American High School

Man imitating James Brown:

Ummmm-ah!

I say ummmm-ahh!

Good afternoon, Pussycats!

I say good afternoon, Pussycats!

I am here to introduce... Ha ha...

...my best friend

and your captain...

Jonny Awesome!

Thank you, Matt.

What the f*** is up,

American High School?

Yes!

#Ain't this the last time #

#I can feel like you #

#Well, you go from

town to town #

#And everybody knows

who you are... #

Boy:

Yes! Whoo! Awesome.

#Mmm, how do you do? #

#How do you do? #

All right, guys. Ahem.

Unfortunately, we have to

put a pause to the fun for a moment...

...and bring up... You know her

as the boring and the bland...

...and the ordinary...

...and incredibly

unhook-up-able-with... Al...

- Er...

- Unhookupable?

Yeah, she's... Okay,

let's bring up Gwen Adams.

Get up here!

Man, is she ordinary?

Soaky Gwen.

I'm just kidding.

Get up here.

She's a good f*** too, by the way.

Ha ha!

There you go.

Thank you.

I would...

- This must be really difficult for you.

- ...Like...

- Wow. You're definitely...

- Boy:
You suck!

...unpopular.

Boy:

He's a dick!

I mean, if this was MySpace,

Tom wouldn't even be your friend.

Boy #2:

F***ing whore and slut!

Oh yes, sir!

Ha ha ha ha!

Awesome. Whoo!

That's me,

and it's pretty safe to say...

...that I am incredibly unpopular.

But it's not my fault, though.

There are plenty of

contributing loser factors.

For starters, instead of having a cool

dad who lets my girlfriends sleep over...

...my dad just tries to sleep with them.

He used to be an actor.

He made a ton of money...

...on the hit '80s TV show,

"Coast Watch"

...and a lot of Japanese

action flicks.

It'd be nice to have a strong older

brother to look up to.

Maybe this'll kill me.

Too bad I don't.

Don't even ask where

my mom is.

Having the coolest boyfriend

in school is usually a bonus.

Yeah, not when you marry him.

We'll get to that later.

Girl singing:

#What we did right... #

My husband's an exhibitionist...

...and made it his mission to have

sex with me...

...at every landmark in school.

We've never been caught.

Lastly, this...

...is Hilary Weiss!

Hilary is a devil with a vagina.

Hey, Holden.

She wanted Holden

but he wanted me, so I married him.

I want you to take me

to dinner.

Gwen:
She's been trying to steal

my boyfriend since the third grade.

We hate each other,

but I got the man.

I'm running for prom queen...

...to beat out Hilary.

Not like I really care about

that kind of stuff obviously.

But I want to be the one

personally responsible...

...for bringing down Satan.

Ugh!

Oh, and I'm 10 days

late on my period.

Ahh, late for school.

Gotta go.

#Everyone is always

on the go... #

Boy:

Check this out...

Gwen:

Jonny and Matt.

I uploaded a video

of myself onto YouTube...

...shirtless and flexing.

Mad views already, bro.

- Mad views?

- Mad views.

- Nice.

- We're awesome.

So awesome!

Gwen:
They hold the world record

in awesomeness...

...whatever that means.

- Awesome. You got a lighter?

- No.

Gwen:
Oh, here comes Dixie,

Hilary and Trixie.

Together they've slept

with the entire school...

...twice.

You're a chauvinist pig!

Hey, Holden.

How about you and I

have a little dance party...

Gwen:
God, she's such

an idiot!

If there was an award

for fewest brain cells...

...she'd be undefeated.

Oh!

- Cat fight!

- Awesome.

"Ooh, I'm gonna save the day.

I'm gonna pull her away. "

- Bye, Holden.

- Bye, little scaredy cat.

Walk away, walk away.

What the f*** is

wrong with those two?

Who the f*** gets married

in high school?

It's all right.

We like to watch you leave.

California...

...you will never find a more

wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Gwen:
This is our history teacher,

Mr. Seuss.

Rumor has it his ber hot wife

is cheating on him.

She's our art teacher

and vice principal.

You can see from

her photos...

...she's extremely qualified.

California...

...where certain parts of Anaheim

worship a giant rat.

- Kip Dick.

- This means you should swim naked.

Kip Dick, out!

Harass. Be gone.

Seuss, I'm just here to

learn like everybody else...

Yeah, but what you're trying to teach

her, her dad doesn't want her to learn.

Move it.

Fine fine. You know, your class

is boring anyway.

Well, thank you.

But you know, this is only for students

who have graduated this century.

Okay. Quietly...

...as we continue our exciting

adventures in California history...

Ooh! My dad works in porn;

...he works in the state of California

'cause he's awesome!

What the f***?

Did you get high?

- Totally, dude.

- Seuss, Seuss.

Oh, what the... Oh!

And that'll be enough for

California history.

Make sure you've all read

chapter 14...

...one through six, due...

what the heck... Tomorrow.

Yo yo yo!

This is your principal.

I need all my seniors

down to the gymnasium.

I repeat, I need all my seniors down

to the gymnasium.

Ooh, Principal Mann.

Ooh, yeah!

That was another

amazing announcement.

Oh, you were fabulous, sir.

To the gymnasium.

Yo.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Just hanging out with my bros,

being totally awesome.

Yeah.

By the way, your dad

has awesome cologne.

Totally awesome.

It's Essence of Apple.

Well, I'm gonna skedaddle.

- Mr. D.

- Mr. D.

Call me Kip!

All right, Kip.

Nice.

Who's the cutie?

I don't even know.

- Awesome.

- My name's Katie.

Shh.

It doesn't matter.

Why don't you guys swing by

the house later?

We'll throw around the pigskin,

crack a few beers.

- Honey, bring some of your friends.

- You're cute.

I know. I know.

Hey.

Hey, shithead.

How come we never

threw around the pigskin, huh?

That's 'cause I'm ashamed of you.

What the f***, Dad?

I told you never

to call me that.

You never loved me.

Oh my God.

Could you be more of a p*ssy?

Now you're supposed to be a Dick.

Start acting like one.

Look at yourself.

I mean, come on...

Do some push-ups, get a girlfriend,

get a life.

No more jerking off.

Yeah, well maybe if I had a Dick

teaching me how to be a Dick...

I wouldn't be such a p*ssy,

all right?

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

- Real mature. Real mature.

- Talk to the hand.

- F*** you, Dad!

- Hey...

- Cheesy-looking motherf***er.

- The balls...

You know, Jonny's still

single and available.

Dad, I'm married.

Yeah, well, it's never too late

for an upgrade.

Girl:
Quiet. Quiet!

Boy:
It is with pride

to introduce to you...

...the cornerstone

of this school...

Assistant Principal Becky Apple.

Boy:
Look at those!

As seniors on

the fast track to graduation...

...a ritual is often performed.

I am of course

talking about prom.

Man:

I love you!

Prom is the be-all, end-all

of your time here.

On that note, I'd like to hand you over

to the prom chair, Hilary Weiss.

Man:

Whoo!

Totally. I want to bite

your ass!

Thank you, Miss Apple.

Thank you, students.

- Boy:
F***ing suck!

- Without your hard work...

...and dedication, our prom

would not be possible.

You guys are so awesome!

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