American Idiots

Hello, Wyatt.

I have a few questions

before we complete your profile.

Okay.

Boxers or briefs?

Boxers?

Is your ass hairy?

Well, it's not.

I don't shave my ass

if that's what you mean.

One last question:

Would you rather bang a guy

or get banged by a guy?

What?

I'm not answering that!

So banged in the ass!

I must be hearing things.

Yeah, the summer sun's gone.

So what do I do?

Tryin' to move on,

I found someone new.

But it's not you,

no, it's not you.

And misery lives

down Memory Lane.

When I go down the road,

always feel the same.

'Cause I miss you,

yeah, I miss you.

To be without you

would be pain defined.

And she might.

Still have the magic

in her eyes.

The magic.

She might.

Still have the magic

in her eyes.

The magic.

In her eyes.

Sitting in the room

under candlelight.

Thinking you will never

find your Mr. Right.

But it's not true,

no, it's not true.

And you can be my princess,

I'll be your knight.

My armor might be dirty,

but my love still shines.

Yes, it shines through,

yeah, it still shines through.

To be with you

is happiness defined.

And she might.

Still have the magic

in her eyes.

The magic.

She might.

Still have the magic

in her eyes.

Wipe it off. So dirty.

Oh, so dirty. Wipe it.

Oh oh. Slow down.

Oh oh oh yeah.

Oh, too much for me to handle.

I just...

Okay, oh yes.

I'm open for a little negotiating.

Ready for this? This is what

we've been training for, buddy.

Ready?

Here we go, buddy.

You pack up that

little thumbtack of yours

and haul it on out of here

before I snap it off!

This whole miniature golf course

is calling our names.

Let's finish off this hole

so I can whup your ass!

Oh, you wanna bet?

Hey, it was my turn anyway!

See, that's what you get.

I'm gonna bounce you out.

Oh, look at me, I just gave it to you.

I still give you the game,

just like when you were little!

You need to find a nice girl.

Maybe that'll cook for you

and stop eating

all that fast food, okay?

You know I go on

a lot of nice dates,

but... I don't know.

We're having a party tonight

and maybe I'll meet the one.

What do you want?

You're almost 30 years old, Wyatt.

You need to find yourself a girl.

There's a reason why

somebody's not married by

the time they're 30 years old.

- Yeah? Why's that?

- Because they're f***ing nuts!

You don't want to be 40 and fat

and bald and not have somebody.

I mean, hey,

everybody wants to get some,

but, you know... not everybody

can be Van Halen, you know.

Huh? Van Halen?

Yeah, guys that get some.

No, they're all rock stars

and all bald by now, okay?

They're not getting

any at all, so there.

They may be bald,

but they've got bigger d*cks than me.

Yes, I know.

I've changed your diapers, okay?

- I know what it's like...

- Oh ho ho!

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I know you're not blessed.

- You are not gifted, okay?

- Wow.

It's hard to believe that...

- Hey.

- Whassup, girl?

Are you the guy with the stuff?

Ha, no. I am not.

There's a guy upstairs... Asian guy.

He's got the stuff

you're probably looking for.

Feel free to look around,

check it out.

- Cool, thanks.

- Do it.

Do it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Big time, man.

- The party's a little out of control.

Dude, what are you worried about?

Look at this.

They're chilling, they're all having

a good time. It's a party.

- You know what a party is, right?

- I do.

Don't worry about it.

I got your house unlocked.

We're good.

We're good. I'll be back.

That scares me the most.

Hi, is this your house?

- Yeah.

- You want to show me around?

- Uh...

- Hey, Ange, leave him alone, okay?

You can't have every guy.

We'll see about that.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hey, Angie, go find Kevin.

He's the, uh,

dirty Asian guy.

- Your friend is a lucky man.

- Really?

You gotta do this to me.

After all is said and done.

Can we go back

to where we've begun?

- Hey!

- Hey-yyy.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Are you Kevin?

- Well, if you're asking

for the double-wide over there,

then no, I'm Jason.

I'm the one who's asking.

Well, then you found me.

You're kinda cute.

Thanks.

You know I exfoliate

and drink a lot of water...

what do you mean kinda?

How about you show me

around your house?

And what about you?

Hmm, I'm sorry.

I have morals.

That's good, because I was just

about to give up on your kind.

- Oh, off to the dark side, are we?

- "Dark side."

Now that's funny.

I always get the worm,

in more ways than one.

I... I...

Are you gonna offer me

some of that drink?

Yeah, I'm... sh*t, I'm sorry.

I'm not a very good host.

Yeah, it totally confused me, because

normally gay guys are great hosts.

- Let's play a game.

- Okay okay.

First one to scream

takes a bodyshot.

Uh, okay.

- Here's one.

- That was a...

okay, I guess it is my turn, huh?

Uh-huh.

Suck it up, stud.

- Can I have that...

- Yeah yeah.

What the f***?

- How about another one?

- I don't like this game.

- Go on!

- Well, I guess it's not that bad.

- The game is...

- Oh yeah.

Oh f***!

What, you can't hold

your liquor, you p*ssy?

What? I wish your face

was your p*ssy.

Uh-huh.

I want you inside me.

I don't have a condom.

- I don't care, go in me.

- Okay.

That's... this... oh.

- That's the ticket.

- Ow. Where are you?

You're not inside me.

- What are you f***ing?

- Uh, it's these sheets.

They must be

a nice 1,000-thread count.

I mean, it felt good.

I'm taking over.

Oh, okay.

- Oh yeah?

- Baby, I like it.

Oh yeah?

How about this?

Much better.

- Is that?

- Huh, how do you like that?

You little b*tch!

You like that?

Dude...

- Dude?

- What's up, f***ers?

Has this stoner been

in here the entire time?

Hey, man, can I get in

on some of this?

Dude, what the hell

are you doing here?

My mom had blonde hair too,

just like yours.

In fact my dad was

Asian too, I think.

Are you a real blonde?

Get the hell out of here!

All right, all right, chill out.

All right, so, uh...

hey, forget it.

Hey, I love you a**holes.

Remember that, all right?

You need a beat?

Catch me in the hood.

See me in the street,

I got what you want

I got what you need,

I'm in the black Lexus...

Oh my God, get it off me!

Oh my God!

Dude, what the f***

do you have all over you?

- And what's that smell?

- Dude, I was f***ing that chick...

thank you, by the way.

She's awesome.

And we were going at it so good and I

was f***ing her reverse cowboy, right?

Like she was turned around,

her ass facing you.

Yeah, I know what

the reverse cowboy is, Kevin!

All right, well, anyway,

I must have been doing her so good

because all I remember

is she was screaming

and I looked down...

dude, it's everywhere!

- In my bed?!

- And all over me. It's everywhere!

It's everywhere.

Oh, are you just gonna

stay in bed all day?

Or are you gonna do

something productive?

Gimme a break. I didn't get home

from the bar until 4:00 in the morning.

Yeah, I know.

But I think that if you just

wake up a little earlier,

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