American Idiots Page #2

- you might get more stuff done.

- Yeah, and do what?

Let's see, clean the pool,

fix the barbecue!

I am having a bachelorette party

here this weekend.

I'm up now.

Are you happy?

Why do you always

have to wait till the last minute

to do everything?

Okay, I'll do it now.

But we have to have

a little fun time first.

Yeah?

Come on, we haven't touched

each other in a month.

So jack off!

No one's stopping you.

- No kiss bye?

- Mm-hmm.

Love you.

Thanks for coming.

- You've always been there for me.

- Of course.

- You know you're my best friend.

- I know.

- You have it?

- Oh yeah!

- Ta-da!

- Nice box.

She definitely would have found that.

Yeah, that would have been funny.

Wyatt, this is a huge step.

It's big.

Yeah, I know, but...

I mean, it sounds like

you don't like the idea.

No no, it's not that.

She's great.

Well then what?

I'm not going to be able

to make it to dinner tonight.

Yes, you will.

Just bring your d*ckhead boyfriend.

- Hey!

- All right, but seriously though,

I need you more than ever,

so I really need you to be there.

- More than ever, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Did you hear that Kevin got caught

- spanking it, looking at those girls?

- Ugh, yes, I did.

Kevin! He's such a perv.

What an idiot!

You make me.

Smile.

You make me.

Cry

I like.

You.

- You fool.

- Yay!

Thank you, Uncle Kenny.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- Thank you, Uncle Kenny.

That was... quite entertaining.

You know he

just came back

from Palm Springs

from the gay and lesbian rally

to be here at this dinner.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

You really mean the world

to Katie and me.

Oh, Wyatt, that's sweet!

Don't forget to wipe

from front to back when you pee.

Shut up, Kev, before I wipe you

from front to back.

As you all know, Katie and I have been

dating for a while.

And although we've had

our differences from time to time,

I think that

love brings us through.

When you find someone

who can be your true friend,

to love and cherish,

how else can you go wrong?

It's like the cosmos

almost align and there's like

a nuclear reaction.

I have something to say.

Miss Katie Elizabeth Jones,

will you marry me?

Um...

Wait, Wyatt. Can we talk?

Can't we talk about it right here,

in front of all of our family?

Okay.

I just, um...

I'm not... I'm not

ready for marriage.

- Oh sh*t, I knew this was gonna happen.

- Why?

- Shut up, Kevin.

- I just...

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

This is worse than

the ending of "Beaches."

Now that's f***ing funny!

I'm gonna get a drink.

Who needs a refill?

You're a jerk, Paul.

Maybe you should

just skip the refill and go home.

I haven't laughed in years.

Are you kidding me?

This is funny.

Katie, I don't understand.

I can't marry you.

I'm sorry.

Dunbrook and Balcrest, please.

Hey, check this out:

The amazing girls of Brazil,

one of the erotic centers

of the world.

We have traveled the globe

to bring you the real girls

of the world.

- They're life-sized...

- Good dog.

You'll never leave me, will you, baby?

Engagement ring?

The exclusive celebration diamond...

Don't do it, you f***ing idiot!

- Jared's most exclusive...

- Just break your heart.

Come on, girl.

Let's get out of here.

Visit us downtown

in the heart of Austin.

Moping around isn't gonna

help anything, okay?

It's like... it's like

my dad always says:

A setback is a set-up

for a great comeback.

It's good!

Yeah, it's good.

It's really good, right?

You gotta get back

on that horse, right?

And do some mounting

of your own, man.

Stick it in some random chick's ass.

They love that sh*t.

If she's super freaky, dude,

she will lick

that sh*t right off.

But if she does,

I'm telling you, do not

kiss her afterwards.

Dude, what is

with you and anal?

And do you really think your freaky

sex bullshit is helping the situation?

- I think what he needs...

- Alone time

is what I need.

No anal, no hot lunches

in my mouth,

no nothing!

Got it? Got it?

- Yes, fine.

- Okay.

Whatever, dude. We just want

to see you happy again, all right?

- That's it.

- Really we miss you.

- We miss the old Wyatt.

- The old me?

Yes! The one who's

larger than life, man.

Yeah. And, you know,

when the time's right,

you'll meet the one.

My confidence is gone.

Well, figure it out, man,

because you look like a pile of sh*t.

Okay, waffles

for Miss Cutie Pie.

Cherry pie and waffles

for Mr. Sad Eyes.

Thank you.

Scrambled eggs and sausage

for Master Panda Bear.

Mm-hmm,

you know!

Thank you.

You're welcome, sugar.

You sure look cute today.

Oh, thanks.

It's a new shirt.

Boy, oh boy,

if I wasn't married, I'd take you home

and lick your bamboo stick

till it fell off.

Whoa!

With the sweet potato pie

in your ass...

eating good for a week.

So, dude, you booked

an Elvis commercial, man!

- Come on.

- An enema commercial

with Elvis impersonator.

Bam! And then it's gonna be

a national commercial

and you will get paid

like that chick. Right?

- Flo from the Progressive commercials.

- Right.

- I'm telling you, that girl makes bank.

- She's loaded.

Never have to worry

about it again. Besides,

Elvis is always cool, right?

Anytime,

anywhere, whomever,

how he got it.

Okay, but once again:

Elvis impersonator,

okay?

Enema commercial

equals ridiculous.

I think it's pretty cool

I think you're gonna love it.

Well, you know what?

I gotta go.

No!

Sit down.

We're not done, okay?

What do you want from me?

We want you

to get over it, okay?

We're sick of you playing the "victim."

You need to move on.

- You know what they say?

- Hmm?

When you love someone,

let them go.

- And then if they come back...

- Then you know!

Then you know, you know?

You know what?

If you guys believe that sh*t,

- you're retarded.

- Come on.

We're just trying

to cheer you up, okay?

I love you all.

See you later.

Don't be a baby.

You better kill that tomorrow.

Say, chief, think I could

get a Diet Coke?

Hey, look,

if you don't mind me asking,

you seem like you're

a little down in the mouth.

No.

- It's just, uh...

- What is it? Come on.

Come on, you can talk to me.

I got you covered, Sancho.

I don't know, man,

this is weird.

You know what's weird?

A man who's got sadness

in his heart

and ain't got no friends

to cut the track with?

That's weird.

Okay.

My girlfriend left me

when I proposed to her.

In front of everyone.

I'm kneeling down

with the ring in my hand

and she just leaves.

That's a b*tch, man.

That's it?

"That's a b*tch, man"?

That's all you've got to say?

Well, what you want me to say?

Hey, Dad, I got something for you.

- Oh yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

Let's see it.

Oh, my name is Wyatt.

And I'm a sissy simpering boy.

My girlfriend left me.

All those months ago.

Ain't nothing to do about it.

Except cry like the rain.

Don't want to talk to nobody.

'Cause I like the pai-iiin.

Ahhh.

- That's all you got?

- That was it, baby.

All right.

I'm not Elvis,

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