American Idiots Page #3

I'm a fraud and a loser.

Who assumes the identity

of an aging Vegas act.

Silly sassy boy who ain't good.

At nothing at all.

Who's been acting

after all these years.

And still hasn't done jack sh*t.

Fat-ass Elvis, drugged up,

can't-take-a-sh*t Elvis.

Wearing a jacket

that his mama made him.

My mama didn't make it,

it's an original.

You little

Mark Wahlberg wannabe.

Ain't got no car,

drive a Pinto to set

I drive a Cadillac,

you little whiny brat.

Who probably takes dick

in the Walmart alley too...

What the hell's going on?

We're trying to set up a shot here.

- I need to replace you two?

- Sorry.

- No, no sir.

- All right, then shut the f*** up.

I'm sorry, man.

It's all right, man.

Me too. Me too.

I didn't mean that about your suit.

It looks real nice.

I appreciate that. I didn't mean nothing

about the Walmart crack either.

So the director wants

you two on set in an hour.

So we're gonna be quick.

Hey, Wyatt.

I didn't know you got

cast in this commercial.

What's up, Angie?

What are you doing here? Makeup, huh?

Well yeah, I've gotta get

a couple extra bucks.

- I'm gonna hightail my ass to Vegas.

- Yeah?

For work or for pleasure?

Oh...

you don't know.

- Know what?

- Katie moved back home.

No, I didn't know that.

How is she doing?

She's getting married.

A week after she got back,

she met someone.

What happened to

"she wasn't ready"? I mean,

when's the wedding?

In 37 hours.

Hey, I've gotta take this.

But if you need to talk,

I'll be back

in a couple minutes, okay?

Oh my God!

Come here.

I know how you feel.

I really do.

I just wanted to tell you, man,

yours truly,

I've been kicked down

a couple notches by love.

Believe me, man,

I've been kicked down

from Tupelo to Memphis.

Well, great.

That's you and your sh*t

and this is me and my sh*t.

And just because you got sh*t

doesn't mean my sh*t's better.

I still got sh*t!

Wyatt, listen.

You know those rare times

when you find someone...

that special someone...

and that someone special finds you,

and you're both drawn

to each other

and you get closer

and closer and you're like...

- like a set of magnets?

- Yeah, it's called attraction.

Exactly, except

this ain't the good kind.

Huh-uh.

It's the bad kind.

It's the unsexy kind.

- You know what I mean?

- No.

Sometimes the ugly thing in you

is attracted to

the ugly thing in someone else.

It's like you got this little

a**hole living inside you.

Mm-hmm, and... and...

and that little a**hole

is just yearning to get

up out of you.

And she's got that little

a**hole inside of her.

And then these two a**holes,

they come together.

These two a**holes come out

and they shake hands, man.

They kind of give

each other a little wink.

- Winking a**holes?

- That's right.

Okay well, thanks for that.

That's great.

See, Wyatt,

what you see in her

is the same thing that...

that... that's busted

inside of you.

Okay?

And if you truly...

if you truly love that little girl,

you know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna get yourself a cork, man.

You're gonna plug up

them winking a**holes.

So you're saying

I should go get her?

Now you're talking, Jackson.

Let me tell you something.

We get one go-around

in this world, Wyatt.

- Okay?

- Right.

If it was me,

I'd want some goddamn answers.

Right? As opposed to sitting

around here bellyaching

like some little pansy-ass p*ssy.

Yeah, so I'm gonna go

to Vegas and win her back.

Now you're talking, Daddy-o.

Now you're talking.

Hey, guys, so what's going on?

I'm gonna go

plug some a**holes!

Are you sure he said to bring

something nice to wear?

- Like we're going to a wedding?

- That's what he said.

The only girl

he should marry is you.

I've been telling him this

- ever since you grew boobies.

- Never gonna happen.

Well, if all you want is friendship,

then I'm as straight as 6:00.

Cheese and rice.

- Tell me we're not hauling ass

all the way to Vegas...

- No!

...to watch him marry

this white-trash Barbie?

I mean, I knew he was desperate,

but this is ridiculous!

There's no way

Wyatt's getting married.

No no no no no.

I'm not going.

Wherever she's going, I'm not going

- if she's going.

- Relax.

- She's going and so are you.

- Don't touch my bag!

Do you remember

our little fiasco?

What are you guys

talking about?

No no, you don't need to know.

Nobody...

don't ask, don't tell.

It's fine. I didn't feel

anything anyways.

You can deal with each other

for two days.

- Whatever.

- Fine.

- If you stay on your side of the RV.

- Done.

Guys, Katie's getting

married in 27 hours,

and we have to stop it. So let's

pull it together and get going, huh?

We're going a road trip, huh?

What are we waiting for?

Let's load up.

Come on.

Okay, I guess.

Love you.

Oh oh.

Wow.

- Dude... yeah.

- Nice.

It totally reminds me

of an '80s porno set.

You know, this couch is

really comfortable.

You wouldn't think so,

but it is.

Oh, we had some hot nights

in this RV.

Friggin' bananas.

No, I'm serious.

Oooh.

I mean... I mean there was

lots of bananas in here

and we weren't going

to no gorilla farm,

if you know what

I'm talking about.

Let's get this cock wagon rolling!

Hmm?

Uncle Kenny, when was

the last time you drove this thing?

- It does run, right?

- Don't be silly.

Of course.

Let's see, it was Chicago,

the great

Lesbian Luncheon of 2006.

- Five years ago?

- Yeah.

But it is gonna start, right?

Don't be silly.

Why, that's funny.

My God!

I'm going to miss the wedding.

- I'm in the wedding.

- You are not gonna miss the wedding!

It's probably the stupid

battery or something.

We'll just open

that little engine thingy

and jump it.

What the f***?

Oh, what the f*** was that?

Jesus.

Oh my God,

we're gonna get the rabies.

Okay, ideas?

Who's got one?

I vote we take a frigging plane.

I'm trying to remember...

what year was it we gave

the whores the vote?

- Oh, f*** you.

- Kevin.

- Not helping, dude.

- Rotten sack!

I know who to call.

- Who?

- It's this guy I used to date.

Skeeter.

Hey, Skeet,

how are you,

my little sugar lumpy?

Come here, you little

son of a b*tch.

Easy, hey!

Get... you goddamn b*tch.

Get in, come here.

Ow!

Get it out!

Dear dear.

Get in there.

Hey, there you go!

Get in there.

Easy there, there you go.

That's it.

Whoo, how you like that?

Whoo!

Whew.

Well, you are up and running.

- Whoa!

- This little son of a b*tch

just did not want

to give up the fight.

Usually I can get in there

and wear them down a little bit

and then they just don't fight at all.

Pfft! Not this one!

He even look like he done

grown up into the engine.

He... he looked like

that scene from "The Fly"

when he has that pod sticking out

of the side of him like that.

He just looked like

a f***ing Brundlecoon,

all wrapped up in the hoses

and wires and sh*t.

- I never seen it.

- Thanks for coming over, Skeeto!

Well, you called me,

I was like "Wha-aaaat?

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