American Idiots Page #4

I can't believe he called me."

But I didn't know whether

to sh*t or go blind,

so I just closed one eye and farted.

So...

what say you and me put some

pizza rolls on the heater

and see if we can't find ourselves

at the bottom of a bottle of moonshine?

- Sounds divine.

- It's a date then!

Make sure you get

your sweet ass

back home safe and sound

from Las Vegas.

I just jumped me the RV.

I'm figure on jumping on something else.

All right then,

well, I gotta get going.

I know some Japs

who want to make a noodle salad

outta this here

little troublemaker.

- That is disgusting.

- All right then.

I'll see you later.

It's a date.

She says

she's coming down tonight.

Needs a place

to crash in town tonight.

Wants to know exactly

how I feel

I mumble underneath

my breath...

This is so much fun!

I love road trips.

Me too! Let's sing

some show tunes, huh?

Yes yes, let's sing show tunes.

Show tunes show tunes!

Oh my God, I know one too!

It goes:

Gay gay gay gay gay.

For f***'s sake, Kev.

Don't be such a 'phobe, huh?

- Yeah, Kevin.

- What? I just don't want

to hear f***ing

show tunes all night.

So you think this is a mistake?

- Chasing her?

- Yeah.

- I can't really say.

- Why not?

Well, Wyatt, I'm your friend.

I would even say

- you're my best friend.

- Yeah, I'd say that too.

And we've been close for so long,

but I can't tell you what to do here.

I mean,

I can't take that responsibility.

I won't put that on myself

if it goes the other way

- and I don't think you'd want me to.

- No, I...

you know, it's just...

I don't know.

I have so many questions.

What is it about me that made her leave?

I mean, what if it's a sign?

What if she leaves again?

I don't think I could bear that.

Do you love her?

Yeah. I mean,

I'm miserable without her.

You invested a lot

of yourself in her.

I mean, all this has to go right

or it's just a big waste of time.

But do you think that

equals love?

Or do you think that's just

missing something, you know?

So you're saying this is

a big waste of time?

Never said that, Wyatt.

I just want you to be sure.

I don't want you to get hurt again.

Yeah, man, I think

Ellen's right, you know?

I don't think anybody

wants you to get hurt again.

Right? Because when you are,

you act like a f***ing b*tch

and I don't know how much

more of it I can take.

Okay? So what we're gonna do...

this is the plan:

You're gonna go punch

the groom in the dick,

take her back,

quit being a douche, act normal,

and then you're gonna knock her up

and squeeze out a bunch

of other little douches.

- F***ing A!

- Right?

Because I'll be damned

if I'm gonna ride in this box

with the frigging

show-tunes twins here,

featuring Bob the Knob

and Loosey Bowels,

and a cheap-ass episode

of "Dr. Phil" going on back here.

So what do you want?

- A f***ing beer!

- I can make that happen.

- Holla!

- That's nothing.

Get it.

Uncle Kenny, can we please

get Kevin some beer?

Because he's gonna drive me

crazy and this is gonna be

- a really long trip without it.

- Yeah, sure.

Excellent.

Bathrooms?

Yeah, right over there to the left.

- I gotta pay a visit.

- Yes, thank you for sharing.

What's it gonna be, my friends?

We will take

three six-packs of Bud

and a Coke and a water

for my gay little friend right here.

- You're a douche.

- Mm-hmm.

Coconut water,

got electrolytes,

good for the kidneys.

- Three six-pack of beer.

- Ohhh.

That was fast.

Ready to go.

The bathrooms in here are atrocious.

There was something slippery

on the handle

and I swear there was

a glory hole in the wall.

Gentlemen, 52.55.

- Damn!

- What?

- That's a little steep, isn't it?

- Pesos or dollars?

Oh sh*t!

- Oh sh*t what?

- It's the sarge.

- Sarge like...

- The sarge is coming.

...like sergeant?

- Sergeant of what?

Oh man. I'd throw my dick

in cocaine to get...

- Shut the hell up.

- Do you see... I see that, come on.

Marcus, I thought you were

gonna close down for a while.

We were, sheriff.

I just had these last customers

- and I was...

- Lock the doors.

- On it.

- Hey.

Oh, I love what you do

with that chain.

Go eat a bowl of d*cks,

you douchewad.

Come on, that was awesome.

I don't know what this

is all about,

but you can't just lock us in.

Oh no?

Just did, sweetcakes.

What are you gonna do about it?

Well, what do you want me to do?

I'll bet you'd rather be at home

with a cup of warm cocoa

curled up

in a Winnie the Pooh snuggie,

reading Oprah's book of the week.

Well, that ain't gonna happen.

You see, we are hunters

and we are here on a mission.

It's supposed to be

a secret mission,

but now you faggots

are in my mission.

Excuse me?

Well, two regular people

and one f*ggot.

- That's you.

- Listen, we just want beer.

That's all.

We all want something, son.

Have you ever seen a man

with a dragon tattoo on his dick?

Well, I have!

My daddy.

He used to ride bicycles naked

when he was drunk and on leave.

He'd ride endless circles

singing a song

about a man with a dragon in his lap.

What's this all about?

Have you ever heard of a strigoi?

Half zombie, half vampire,

one quarter werewolf?

One and a quarter's

not even possible.

Not possible?

Then what do you call

the devil beast

we have locked up

in the back there right now?

- What was that awful sound?

- Holy was that?

Settle down.

And we mean to take

him out right now.

And I don't mean for dinner.

Then we will come back

and deal with you.

You all have to be inspected

and cleansed.

Is that like a sponge bath?

'Cause if so,

I'd really like for her...

Shut the hell up.

This cleansing could kill you.

But it is the only way.

Winter, to the back.

You've gotta get us out of here, man.

I can't... the sarge.

I'm getting the gist here pretty good.

Please open the door,

and we'll be outta here

like the f***ing wind.

What the high holy was that?

Dude, if you don't let us out of here

right now, I'm going to

penetrate your colon so deep

that your sh*t is gonna

have my Nike marks on it.

This is insane.

There is no such thing

as a strigoi.

Am I on "Fear Tactics" right now?

Marcus?

My ex-fiance is

getting married in...

...17 hours.

Marrying another guy?

Yeah, hence the "ex" part.

I gotta stop her.

Do you love her?

Of course I do.

I was almost married once.

Then you know exactly how I feel.

Yeah. She broke my heart.

Katie broke mine, but you see

I have a chance to change that.

But you gotta let me

out of here to do that.

Do you think so?

I can do this

for the both of us, Marcus.

Oh, to hell with it.

Love needs to win sometimes.

- Yeah!

- Yes.

Come on, you all get out of here.

Let's get out of here quick.

- What are you doing?

- Beer... we need it.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Let's get the hell outta here.

What the hell?

Oh-hhhh sh*t!

Let's get outta here!

Now that was purely awesome.

Jesus, Becky, nice right hook.

You almost broke my jaw.

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