American Idiots Page #5

Did you have to rip

my top open, huh, Alan?

- F***ing a**hole.

- I was giving them a show.

What's the harm?

Besides, you have great tits.

All I'm saying is, like,

what if it's real... the strigoi?

And there are more

of them out there?

It's ridiculous! The world's

not coming to an end by strigoi.

There are a lot of things,

actually, that happen

that no one has

an explanation for.

Someone should have been

called is all I'm saying.

Like who? The cops?

I need my bag.

Kev, would you grab it for me?

- It's an emergency.

- Fine.

- Which one is it?

- The pink one.

Obviously.

- Uh, you want me to grab something?

- Xanax pronto.

Oka-aaay!

F***ing bong rip,

how about one of those, please.

Whoa, what the f*** is this?

- What the f*** is that?

- Oh my God!

- Get it out of here!

- Hey hey hey.

Calm down, everybody, please.

- Let me explain.

- Lookit,

it has pubic hair on it.

Oh my God!

Kevin, get that out of here!

- No telling where that's been.

- I teach classes

on how to give the perfect...

B.J.

The course is called

"Slob on the knob

and give a good job."

What? What don't you just use

a banana or something?

It's the visual effect.

They learn better if it seems real.

Well, why the f*** would you

even need it on this trip anyway?

Well, you never know

who's going to need

a Mr. Tugglesworth of their own.

And practice makes perfect.

Hey, look at these two.

Probably running from the strigoi.

Look like a couple of hippies.

- Dude, pull over.

- No, Kevin!

- No hitchhikers!

- We can't leave them out there.

I mean they have weed.

I know it. I'm positive.

And... and... and if

anything happens,

I take full responsibility.

I will take your blowj*b class.

I... I will do the bob-my-knob thing.

Come on!

Come on,

I'll blow Mr. Tugglesworth!

Now that I gotta see.

You take full responsibility?

- Oh yeah.

- Whoo!

Thank you for extracting us

from that derelict and...

- arenaceous desert floor.

- Yes yes yes.

Ahh, and this is my love partner

and traveling companion...

Destiny.

- Dest... Destiny.

- Destiny.

Bless your souls

for your kindness.

They seem nice.

- I don't know about that.

- Yeah right, Kevin.

You guys got any weed?

- Oh, we don't have any weed.

- No weed.

- No weed.

- Hello, Mr. Tugglesworth.

This is gonna be good.

Sure you guys don't have

any weed at all?

- No...

- Destructive...

vegetation...

...in our possessions.

Damn it!

But we do have

the dried gift of the mother.

Oh snap!

Join us for a blessing?

Hell yeah.

The Earth turns

all on a ship of souls.

Come with me.

And she rewards us with life.

We suck

from the dusky teat.

Birth, life,

death.

We suck the life of the mother

and taste birth.

- Destiny, anoint him.

- Yes, anoint me!

- I'm so ready.

- Show him your dark cycle.

Baby, there's no rides out here.

Cycle of life, a**hole.

Come on, Wyatt, let's go.

Take this with you.

- So lame, so lame!

- We're cleansing ourselves of you.

Wyatt, don't be so mean.

That dumb b*tch on the skateboard.

She can't even catch up.

Cool ritual, b*tch.

Naw, man, I don't think it's a sign.

It was a total fluke.

You're not a sh*t magnet.

- I'm sorry.

- It was a really nice ceremony.

I mean she really honored you.

- Okay okay. Leave him alone.

Oh dude.

I'm on f***ing fire, man.

Yeah, what the f***

are you doing here?

Dude?

- What?

- Dude!

What?

Dude!

What... what?

What?

- Dude?

- What?

What?

Again, what are you

doing here on the RV?

What do you mean what am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you, just some kind

of f***ing ninja Batman or something?

F***ing ladies wrestling league

here or something, man?

Dude, what are you doing here?

I think you dented

my f***ing beard, man!

What are you doing here?

You mean prior to being accosted

and having my f***ing joint

stabbed out on me?

I was using the f***ing

facilities, man.

You know,

the f***ing head here?

Dude!

Oh, dude.

Dude, you're not supposed...

you crapped in the RV?

You're not... no one

craps in the RV, dude!

Hey, man, well, it sure the sh*t

ain't a f***ing reading chair,

now is it there, Komatsu.

Not f***ing comfortable enough.

- Hey, man.

- No no, I don't like it here.

Dude, how did you...

Dude felt the pressure.

Release was the option I had, man.

I came here for some

quiet time, you know?

Meditate on my colon, you know?

Maybe f***ing blow a jay.

Next thing I know,

this motherf***er's moving, man.

But I got... oh sh*t.

I gotta tell you though,

as far as RV shitters go,

This has

got some f***ing space, man.

I f***ing like this guy.

You know.

I could spend some

f***ing time in here.

It's got some nice

wallpaper and sh*t, man.

Dude, listen, we can't...

If they find out you're on here,

they're gonna flip, okay?

So just lay low and just chill, man.

And we'll figure out

a way to get you off.

You know what? I think you're the one

who needs to f***ing drop a deuce.

Okay.

Look at you,

all f***ing backed up.

F***ing ninja back up.

I think you need to ninja

that sh*t right out of there, man.

Okay, just chill and be quiet.

Why don't you keep it

on the DL and have a hit?

Shut up.

Oh well,

I guess I'll have a drink.

I'll drink to that!

Wow, I'm so stoned.

Hmm.

That really took it out of me.

Yeah, her too.

You lucky guy.

Wyatt, what's wrong?

I don't know.

Something doesn't feel right.

I think we need to turn around.

No, you were just having

a bad dream, that's all.

We're not turning around.

You love her, end of story.

Okay?

Get some rest.

All right.

A sunny afternoon

I've been up for hours

and I don't know what to do today.

Tomorrow, forever...

You all right, Uncle Kenny?

You need me to drive?

Oh, I'll be fine. I'm fine.

Nobody drives Ernest but me.

I'll be fine.

All right then.

Let me know if you need something.

I will, thanks.

I want to leave this place

and start again

I don't want to go back

where I began

I want to find

somewhere I belong

I don't want to make

this last word.

Without a song

I should clean this place up.

Grab a shower and shave

and go outside...

As long as I am by it.

The phone never rings

I don't know what I'm doing.

But I'm making new friends

I know that this ain't working...

Hey, what do you think about

that waitress over at Nick's diner?

She sure was something.

Those were some monstrous jugs,

weren't they?

Oh yeah, I gave them titties

a pearl necklace last weekend.

Whoo-wee!

Boy, you give a girl a piece of jewelry,

she might let you slip it in her.

No, you dumbass.

I didn't buy her nothing.

I shot it on her neck.

- You shot what on her neck?

- My f***ing spunk!

My essence.

My goddamn man-chowder.

Oh, she let you do that?

Hell yeah, she let me do that!

She was like, "Oh, Daddy,

goo me up, Daddy!

Goo me up!"

Then she held

her big old jugs up like that

and I sprayed 'em like Engine 59.

I even got a little on her lip too.

You oughta try that one.

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