American Idiots Page #6

Sh*t. Donna would never let me

goo up that waitress.

She'd kill me!

Huh-uh, huh-uh.

Are you inbred or something?

Donna!

Give Donna the goo.

This ain't useful...

How on earth did they ever

let you have a gun?

- Son of a b*tch.

- What the hell was that?

Damned RV hit our car, man.

Hey, boy.

You want to step out of that vehicle

and keep your hands

where I can see 'em, please.

Yes sir, officer.

Over there, miss. This way.

Whoa whoa, sir. Over here.

You too.

Come on, Pops, come on.

Are we still in Texas?

Have you been drinking, son?

No, officer. I must have

fallen asleep at the wheel.

We'll just see about that.

What about drugs?

- You been doing them drugs, boy?

- No.

Nothing.

Okay, why don't you just

keep your lips sealed

and give me your license

and registration?

We'll see if you have

any warrants coming back.

You better hope and pray

you don't come back with any warrants.

No, officer,

I don't have any warrants.

Uncle Kenny,

you hit their patrol car?

I changed the music

to a country station,

- all of a sudden, kaboom!

- Country's like the worst choice!

You should have picked something,

like, more upbeat.

- Like Green Bay?

- Green Bay?

- Green Day.

- Green Day, yes yes!

- Green Day would work.

- Oh yeah yeah!

What if he picked that...

what is that album called again?

"Pukie"?

Wouldn't that be great, Kev?

All I know is I'm driving

the rest of the way.

Like hell you are.

Nobody drives Ernest but me.

- I'm fine.

- Ernest?

Okay, shut it, shut it!

Just shut it already!

Do you realize how much trouble

- you guys are all in?

- Whatever.

Listen to me, people around these parts

don't take too kindly to your kind.

I might end up throwing you in jail.

You ever been

to a gang bang? Huh?

You know what it's like

to be gang-raped? Sweet thing?

Bending down, picking up the soap?

You're gonna find out the hard way.

- That's not so bad.

- He's clear, partner.

- Clear.

- You know what? Check the RV.

Step aside, sir. Aside!

- Sorry.

- Here.

Thank... thank you, officer.

My God. Nothing!

Except this.

What do you make of this, partner?

Goddamn sickos.

Right? You know what?

I want to give

one of them girls a cavity search!

But you wouldn't know

what to do with one of those girls

if they was sitting on your face.

- Maybe a pearl necklace.

- Take this!

- All right, who's first?!

- One Lincoln seven.

Stay right here.

One Lincoln seven. Go ahead.

415, customer at a minimart

stating a half-man,

half-zombie being chased

by a shirtless female officer.

Sumbitch zombie man-beast

chasing folks over at the minimart!

Hey, Jess, let's go!

What about a citation?

Forget about the citation.

I had a pearl necklace for you, honey.

Old truckers never die

I'll tell you, girl, I wouldn't lie.

What can I do do do?

- Let's get outta here!

- Let's go!

- Yup! Let's go!

- Right?

Sh*t.

Hey, Ellen, can you... can...

my leg's falling asleep.

Hey, Ellen,

my leg's falling asleep.

Can you move a little bit?

No, seriously,

I can't feel my leg.

Oh sh*t!

Dude, what are you doing?

Nothing.

I'm... I'm... I'm fine.

I just dropped something.

Go back to sleep.

It's too late for that.

What the f*** are we listening to?

I'm just trying

to stay awake, man.

- Change it if you want.

- Yeah, I'll find something.

- No, wait!

- Oh sh*t!

Nice boner, dude! Does Ellen

know you're skull-f***ing her?

- What's going on, huh?

- Dude, Ellen is sleeping on Wyatt's lap

and he's got a huge boner.

Classic.

Interesting.

It's not funny.

- It doesn't mean anything.

- Oh, I beg to differ, my dear.

It's not even a boner!

It's just a bulge in my pants.

Naw naw, that's bullshit, man.

- That is fully a boner.

- Shut up! Ellen.

Oh, you... f***, man!

Yeah, motherf***er!

Oh, I'm going to punch you

in the dick later.

- Number one or number two?

- Oh, come on!

No no, first rule of the RV

is no one dumps in the RV

unless they want to empty the RV.

- Sh*t!

- Not here, grasshopper.

Ha ha!

Frickin' bridge troll.

"Number one or number two?

Cannot cross my bridge

if it's number two."

Hey hey, you gotta pull over, dude.

I gotta go.

We don't have time to stop.

Use the bathroom back there.

- I can't, it's number two.

- Contract your sphincter.

Come on, man, I gotta go.

I'm about to crap my pants.

Hey, maybe it's time

to pay Angie back?

- Piss off, Wyatt!

- Wyatt, if Kevin shits the rug,

you're cleaning it.

- Come on, man.

- I will, I will!

I'm just messing with him.

I don't know, Kev.

This is an Indian reservation

in the middle of nowhere.

I don't have a good feeling about this.

What the f*** are you doing

on an Indian reservation?

The road goes right through it.

Um, well, f*** it.

I can't hold it, man.

So just pull over

and I'll say an apology

and a prayer to the great buffalo

then for making doodie on his land.

Oh yes, the big one!

The big one!

Oh, you... God.

- Oh!

- Use another stall, buddy.

I'm taking a sh*t!

Oh f***!

Oh, you've gotta...

Oh, God damn it.

It's just you and me, old buddy.

I need half of you for later.

Half of you for now.

Okay.

No time. No.

Ohhhh my.

How long are you gonna be?

How long are you gonna be?

I just sat down, man.

I might be awhile.

- You're disabled?

- No-oooo.

How long are you gonna be?

I'm disabled right now, man.

Get the f*** outta here. Whew.

I'm not leaving

until you open this door.

- Why?

- You gonna be awhile?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

What's wrong with you, man?

- Use another stall.

- I'm crippled, you dumbass.

Come out!

You wanna use your dick

for a birthday candle?

You'd better open this door.

I can't, man,

you're gonna have to wait.

- I'm mid-squeeze right now, nubs.

- Come on!

I'm not leaving

until you open this door.

What, did you get f***ing hit

in the head or something, man?

Use a different stall, you weirdo!

- What?

- I said you're gonna have to wait.

Figure something out,

Wheelie Jim!

What the f***?

Uncle Kenny,

why are you sitting?

He's not in there.

What's going on?

It seems he has offended some

big-shot tribal leader

or something.

Yeah, he offends everyone.

Where is he, in the office?

It's not gonna be that easy.

What the hell is going on here?

Your friend has offended an elder

and therefore

he must be punished.

Well, you bring him down

right now or we are calling the cops.

Go ahead.

They have no jurisdiction here.

No, wait, is there

some kind of offering

that we can make?

Here, it's all I have.

Please just take it.

And here.

I got a couple too.

Your white-man money

is no good here.

- But you just took it.

- Huh?

I am unburdening you.

The less you have,

the better you are.

No, you listen to me!

I don't have time to...

Okay okay!

This isn't gonna resolve anything.

Is there anything that

we can do to bring our friend back?

I will call the council and I

will relay to them your request.

Okay, fine.

When do we start?

- I need to borrow a phone.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes