American Pie 2 Page #7

and back on the market.

- You're evil.

- No way!

I'm like Cupid.

And I know how

to make a girl jealous.

This is gonna be fun.

I'm sorry I didn't

tell you sooner...

but we just started seeing

each other a few weeks ago.

But I'd really love it

if you stayed here.

I think you should stay

and have fun at the party.

Good for you, Jim.

Of course I will stay.

That's great--

That's my nipples!

She just loves my nipples.

- Oh, my God.

- You still broken?

No.

I'm fine.

I might have to

actually go through with this.

What's the big deal

with Nadia, anyway?

I mean, okay...

so she's 50,000 times hotter

than most girls...

but come on, it's just sex.

Oh, no.

You saw the thing on the Internet.

Did it look like I might have had...

a slight interest in Nadia then?

Add another year to that.

Okay.

Hey, why don't you bring Nadia

to the concert first?

It'll be a cool date.

We'll see how things go.

Michele, you have been great.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Come on.

You ready to break up?

You big, stupid dummy!

Theatre is so cool!

I don't care if you are the best lay

I've ever had in my life.

- I hate your guts anyway.

- Don't say that.

And I don't care if you did give me

ten orgasms in a row...

because you smell really bad.

I smell really bad!

Because we've been having

so much sex, and--

and I haven't showered,

and I wanna shower!

So, don't you go being all

super sexy guy any more...

because I am now impervious...

to your unrelenting machismo

and sexual ardour.

And that includes f***ing me

in the ass! So there!

We had something special.

Vicki. Hey.

I'm so glad you came.

You want something to drink or--

Can I help you?

- Kevin.

- What?

That's my date.

You saved them all.

How sweet.

You don't think I'm a dork?

Whatever you are, Jim,

it is what I like.

Kevin left.

Didn't look good.

Kevin left?

Just wandered down the beach.

You okay, Kev?

Wanna tell us what's up?

Wanna feel Finch's ass?

No, I went to say hi to Vicky...

and she was there with a date.

You hooked up with three girls

this year. You're doing fine.

Rule of three, Oz.

I guess I was living in the past--

wanting to party with you guys...

and be with Vicky,

just like high school.

You remember

that day after prom?

You know, we made

a toast to the next step.

I guess I never took it.

My brother said that by the end

of the summer I'd see the big picture.

And I see it.

No matter what, times change

and things are different.

The problem is,

I don't want them to be.

You know, Kevin,

I haven't moved on either.

I've been obsessed

with the one woman...

I can't have a real future with...

other than a very kinky,

extremely warped one.

I got to find a new goddess.

It's gonna take patience,

but I've been celibate all summer.

- You kinda get used to it, though, huh?

- Are you insane?

Look, Kev, different does not

necessarily mean worse.

As a matter of fact,

I think things are just getting better.

Or am I gonna have to drag your ass

back to that party and prove it to you?

I'll walk.

You know,

you have beautiful eyes.

- Oh, you're sweet.

- That's a really nice top.

- Oh. Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Wanna f***?

- Are you serious?

Come on, baby.

Give it to the Stifmeister.

- I think you better--

- Your loss.

Wow. You know,

you have beautiful eyes.

Come here, dude.

You're making an ass out of yourself.

You're ruining my mojo.

And you're not the Stifmeister, okay?

It takes years to develop

true Stifmeister style.

Come on, man!

I just wanna see some b*obs.

- Hey, Pop Tart.

- Dream on, midget.

Excuse him. Come here.

Take this. You're on cop watch.

Go out in the driveway.

See any cops, call me, okay?

All right.

Gentlemen,

this appears to be a party.

Guys, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go look for Nadia.

Good luck.

So what was this year like for you?

Did you miss high school?

Well, no.

When you travel as much as I do,

you get used to moving on.

But I have great memories.

- Wow, can we go in there?

- The lighthouse?

Yes.

Yes, we can.

How romantic.

Jim, come on.

It's beautiful!

Cool!

Jim, I have told you

my memories from high school.

What are yours?

You.

You have not changed.

Jim, relax.

We are just, how do you say,

tooting our horns.

Actually,

that is quite difficult.

What do you mean?

Well, this one time

at band camp--

Holy sh*t!

What? Tell me.

Well, this one time at band camp...

I got stuck playing this trombone.

And I can't play anything at all.

So I totally sucked.

And everyone thought

I was this Petey guy...

but I didn't know what to think,

so I just kept playing and playing...

and I didn't know

what I was doing.

It was so funny!

- I gotta go.

- What? Why?

Please don't take this

the wrong way...

but you're--

you're everything

that I used to want.

And as much as I may really...

really regret

what I'm about to do...

there's somebody else

I want to be with.

You want the band geek?

Nadia...

I am a band geek.

I just never joined the band.

You go get your geek.

Someday I will find mine.

Hey. Kevin Myers.

Hi.

Sorry I was a dick before.

It's okay, man.

My name's Brett.

- Can you give us a sec?

- Sure.

Look, you don't have to do this.

Maybe I was being selfish...

in wanting to be your friend.

Maybe it's just not gonna work.

I would much rather have you as a friend

than not have you in my life at all.

Party on!

- From the lighthouse all the way--

- Hey, handsome.

What are you doing here?

I was gonna pick you up

at the airport in two hours.

I took an earlier flight,

and I thought I'd surprise you.

- Yeah, you did.

- Kinda weird without the phone, huh?

We'll get used to it.

Come on. I wanna hear all about it.

We'll grab you a drink.

Steve, this cop-watch

thing is horseshit.

Hello?

Man, this sucks.

Who is it out there?

It's the Stifmeister, baby.

I that so?

Life's a b*tch, isn't it?

It's all right.

You don't have to say anything.

I'm used to girls ignoring me.

Or making fun of me.

''Come on, Sherman.

Be the Sherminator.''

Like the movie.

How clever.

I get it, okay?

Maybe I am a geek.

Whatever.

Yes! Yes, you are!

All right.

I am the Sherminator.

A sophisticated sex robot

sent back through time...

to change the future

for one lucky lady.

I am lucky lady?

That's right, Nadia.

You've been targeted

for Shermination.

Come with me

if you want to live.

Help!

- F*** me, geek!

- Affirmative!

No f***in' way!

- Forget it.

- Like you have a chance.

Cheers, bud.

Hey, Steve, look what I found.

- Dude, don't touch the shirt.

-Just look.

- Hi.

- Hey, there.

Brilliant.

You found lesbians.

Good luck trying to break

through that force field.

- Lesbians?

- We never said that.

- What?

- We never said that.

Oh, man.

I will do anything-- anything--

to sleep with you chicks.

Okay? I'll grab

every guy's ass in this room.

I'll caress it, even.

I'll shave some ass if they need it.

Oh, yeah.

You heard me.

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