American Pie 2 Page #6

I just shoved a trumpet in your ass.

Aren't instruments fun?

Okay, I think you've just

crossed my threshold.

Call me in two weeks. I'll be home then.

We can finish lessons.

Pointer-- less tongue.

- What is it? A guest book?

- Yeah, and look at this entry.

''Best thing was the blow-out

at Tom Myers' place.

- There he is.

- A night not soon to be forgotten.

August '93.''

It's your brother, man. Look.

Yeah, his cottage was

right down on the beach.

Guys, this is what

our party's gotta be.

- Something we'll always remember.

- Yes, definitely.

Absolutely.

- You go fish.

- Finch, we're playing gin.

Gin.

What the f***?

''Dear Jim.

Chicago is beautiful,

but it would be better if you were here.

I'm counting the days.

Love, Nadia.''

Well, I wish

you were here, Nadia.

- Have you been dirty?

- Oh, yes, baby. Ive been dirty.

Do you want me to clean you?

''Apply a few drops

to achieve desired lubrication.''

All right.

I that a loofah,

or are you just glad to see me?

What the hell.

Sh*t.

God!

I been missin' out.

Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t!

- Everybody okay?

- I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Shut the f*** up or I'll break down

this door and pummel your ass!

No, don't come in here. I'm fine.

I just fell out of the bed.

- You sure?

- Okay, good night, then.

- 'Night.

- We'll see you in the morning.

Oh, sh*t!

- Poison control.

- Hello?

Yeah, I kind of...

Super Glued myself...

to myself.

No, no!

Don't send an ambulance.

Look, is there anything, you know,

around the house?

Paint thinner.

Sh*t.

Don't move!

Stay where you are!

Hands where we can see 'em!

Both hands!

Get the other hand up, God damn it!

I can't! I can't!

I'm glued!

I'm glued!

Sorry.

Relax your hands.

I'll take it from here, okay?

Don't worry, Jimbo.

You're gonna be fine, buddy.

Jim, this happens

to the best of us.

Left foot first.

Easy does it. Good.

- Watch your head.

- All right. Take a seat.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you a family member?

F***, no!

This is just too good to miss!

Okay, sir, you're just gonna have

to wait here. All right?

This summer's

turned out to be great.

Mucilage is dangerous territory...

and I would think

any adhesive product...

would have a warning

right on the tube.

I thought it was a lubricant.

I was trying to use lubricant.

Son, couldn't you have left

that disgusting thing at home?

Excuse me?

Well, that kind of material

is offensive to me.

Oh, well, we're sorry.

But, you see,

my son couldn't leave it at home...

because he's having

a bit of a medical emergency.

Thanks, Dad.

Your opinion of his taste

in video rentals, I'm afraid...

is not a priority, lady.

It's at the bottom

of the totem pole.

Thank you. Okay?

My son...

is sitting here right now...

with his hand

glued to his penis!

But that doesn't mean

anything to you, does it?

Because you don't have a penis!

- Or maybe you do!

- Dad!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, it just bugs me

when people speak before they think.

You know, they speak.

- How you doin', son?

- I've been better.

Boy, that doesn't look

too bad, Jim.

Good job, Doctor.

The swelling should subside

in about eight or nine days.

Eight or nine--

Beach party's in a week.

Nadia's coming.

Doctor, my son has

a party in seven days...

and there's a young lady coming...

that he's been waiting to--

he's been waiting to get with.

I'd tell your son to keep

his pants on during that party.

Oh, yes. Believe me, I will be

doing that. It goes without saying.

But if his pants...

decide to come off

during the party...

could he have

full use of his...

penis?

Okay.

This should shave

a couple of days off.

Oh, good.

Thank you, Doctor.

Jim...

that's good news.

This has been a good-news day, son.

Here. Put this on.

Little chilly out there.

Well, here we are.

You know, Jim...

I think we should keep your mother

in the dark about the incident tonight.

I think the whole glue thing

might get her a little queasy.

I don't know how I get myself

into these things.

But thanks for understanding.

You've been really cool.

I mean, between this and...

you know--

You know, you may be

Jimbo or Jumbo...

or Jimbodinny to these guys

in here, but...

I want you to know

there are two people...

who still remember where

James Emanuel Levenstein came from.

We're awful proud of you, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Don't forget your penis cream.

That was it.

Right there.

That was a pure tantric moment.

The fiicus, the water--

it was all erotic.

One more stimulant,

I would have had full release.

Finch, stay the f***

away from that fiicus.

That's a jizz-free fiicus.

There he is. Morning, Jimbo.

How's the twig and giggleberries, man?

Oh, very colourful.

My dick looks like a paint-by-numbers.

You're the only guy I know

whose dick needs an instruction manual.

Casa de Stifler.

You're here now?

No, that's cool.

You know, if you want to

hang out with these guys.

Okay, then.

I'll meet you out front.

- Hey, Stifler, was that--

- Eat sh*t, Shitbreak.

She's here.

My lady has arrived.

- I gotta prepare.

- Here we go.

- Great. Stifler's mom is here?

- This could be a disaster.

Not unless Stifler's mom

drives a moped.

Moped?

F***ers, f***ers, f***ers.

How you doin', boys?

- That's Stifler's little brother.

- What are you doing here?

P*ssy, man.

I'm here for the p*ssy.

Take a number.

Gentlemen, why all the noise?

Everybody knows this is my special day.

- What is that?

- Is that a f***in' dress?

- Are you wearing a dress?

- Shitbreak, meet my little brother.

Little brother, meet Shitbreak.

- That's your brother?

- Yes.

My lady's not coming.

So my entire stockpile

is wasted...

and I look ridiculous!

Excuse me.

- That didn't look too good.

- No.

- Let's go find your room.

- So, where are the f***in' females?

I can't believe

I finally got you alone.

That only took, what, six weeks?

So, are you alone too?

- Yep.

- Good.

I'm all alone.

Guess what I had in mind?

Hey, Marco,

can you get your balls off me?

- What the hell's going on over there?

- Nothing.

It's just my flatmates.

I guess this is kind of

a lost cause, huh?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- See ya this weekend?

- I can't wait.

- I can't wait either.

Bye-bye.

- Surprise!

- Holy-- Nadia!

You're here? You're here.

What are you doing here?

Jim, I got so tired

of sightseeing.

But you're-- you're early.

Okay.

Nice to know you.

- I will leave.

- No!

No.

Don't-- Don't leave.

Don't leave.

No leaving.

It's just,

I'm not gonna be ready--

I mean, the party won't be

ready until Saturday.

I can stay here until then?

Yeah.

I'm gonna be right back.

Is that okay?

- Okay.

- Nadia...

who's in my room.

Now. Holy sh*t.

all right, Ive got a plan.

Okay.

How about I come back with you...

and you say...

''Hello, this is Michele,

my girlfriend.''

And obviously, Nadia won't

expect you to hop in the sack.

And then we break up

the day of the party.

And you're all healed

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