American Pie 2 Page #5

to worry about.

I just remembered, I got that dildo

from the other bedroom.

Holy sh*t!

There's a dildo in my drawer.

Oh, my God!

You could have asked me

if you wanted to borrow it.

Stop it.

- What the hell was that?

- I don't know. Call 9 11 .

- No 9 11 .

- Don't call the police.

- My God, it's the painting kids.

- I'm still calling the cops.

Okay, no, no, no.

This isn't right.

- Look. Stifler did break in here.

- You dick!

But we just followed him in

to get him out.

I just wanted proof that you chicks

are really lesbians.

You wanna mess with 'em?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Let's do it.

You guys like that?

Ozzy, stand by for confirmation.

That's a big 10-4

on the confirmation.

Sounds like your little friends

outside wanna play too.

You won't be needing this.

Who wants me to touch Amber?

l do, l do.

- Who the hell is that?

- Who's this?

This is John... Smith.

I'm turning off my radio now.

Okay.

Where should I touch Amber?

Ass, baby.

Feel that ass!

That's nice.

I know.

You feel his ass first.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I like that.

That's good.

I got some painting

I should--

Jim, hold on.

I can handle it.

- What?

- I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

And I would love

to see that show.

Bravo!

One finger on the cheek.

We want...

palm grasping.

That's too much.

No, no, no.

You don't touch,

we don't touch.

- Squeeze his ass, son. You'll like it.

- Come on, boys.

-Jesus Christ.

- Oh, sh*t.

I'm touching his ass.

I'm touching his ass.

Red Leader,

what's your position?

l'm touching his ass.

l'm touching his ass.

Mommy!

You can go.

That really wasn't bad.

- I wanna go home.

- That's too bad.

Never mind.

I'm staying.

Danielle is feeling my breasts.

No way, dude!

Her breasts are so luscious.

What a wonderful Christmas gift

you bought the boys.

My nipples are so hard.

I think I can fix these.

Sweet Jesus.

Your turn.

Oh, yeah!

No, no, no.

Him.

Kiss.

Dude, no.

- Wait. What?

- You want more?

We want more.

Go get him, tiger.

- You're gonna love it.

- Do it for us.

Okay, dude.

One, two...

three.

- That doesn't even count.

- That totally counted.

- That's how you kiss your mother.

- Don't you say anything!

Make it real.

You do that...

we'll do anything you want.

Anything?

Anything.

- You better like it.

- Promise.

I wouldn't lie.

That is what I'm talking about.

Kev, you can look.

That's it.

Where's your tongue?

Good boys.

- Very good.

- Dude, you're a f***ing lousy kisser.

What? I wasn't trying!

That's not fair!

I wasn't trying there!

No judgment.

Wait a second.

You were trying?

- F*** no!

- You were trying!

- I kissed Jim!

- Silence!

- Ladies.

- Yes?

As you were.

- Here we go.

- Let's do it.

Them girls sound like the two

transvestites we picked up in Biloxi.

- Honey, come on. Food's ready.

- I'm not hungry!

I can't believe this.

Okay, just do it.

- Oh, God.

- It was worth it.

Hello.

Okay, I think that's enough now.

- I want more.

- Hell, yeah. I want more too, baby.

We're gonna get more physical

as soon as we get some--

- Hand jobs.

- Okay!

Hand jobs.

You do him.

We love to watch.

I'm sorry?

- You go.

- We go.

Don't be a wimp.

Okay. It's okay.

I know what I have to do.

I need to keep this party goin'.

I'm takin' one for the team.

Mother of God!

Come on, you pussies!

We had 'em!

- I am not touching that.

- Put that thing away, Stifler.

Why can't you guys

be team players, huh?

I was the one doin'

all the sacrificing'.

And now for our devoted listeners,

back to the show.

Let me try that dildo.

Now, wait just a minute.

Stifler wanted to give

you two hand jobs?

No. Stifler wanted one from us.

What? Bullshit.

He did.

And it was horrible.

Very horrible.

You guys, you wanna

play some ''a**hole''?

Just watching the game, Kev.

I just wanna

do something together.

We just did something together.

Very together.

Ho, ho, ho.

Stifler Claus is here.

Now, just so there's no confusion...

Santa Porn has just brought us

some heterosexual entertainment.

Here you go.

All right. Here.

And the Stifmeister's provided us

some complimentary lubricant.

Whack away, Jim.

Does this stuff really

make a difference?

- Oh, yeah!

- Really?

Stifmeister's palace of love--

straight love.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I'm fine.

- How about you?

- That's Stifler's mom.

Silence.

I didn't really think you were gonna be

in Michigan this summer.

Yeah, you're more than welcome

to be here.

Okay, stop by in a couple of weeks.

We're having a big party.

Okay, bye.

Stifler, was that--

She's coming.

Stifler's mom is coming here.

Efforts must be doubled.

''Efforts must be doubled.''

Absolutely.

Jenny, where'd you put

my clarinet?

- I think I shoved it in your box.

- Thanks.

Bad man.

I'm a bad, bad man.

Jim, what are you

doing here?

Well, I thought

you had said--

You can't just

stand out here.

Loo, l need your help.

Nadia's coming back

and I don't--

I don't wanna be this awkward...

bumbling, nervous guy with her.

I don't wanna seem

like a dork.

Well, I know that feeling.

Spend your life playing

in the band...

it doesn't exactly give you

the ultra-cool hipster image.

- I think you're pretty cool.

- Seriously?

Michele, why did you

ditch me after prom?

I didn't ditch you.

I just--

Our date was over.

I mean, did you want some...

funky, weird,

next-morning goodbye?

It's not like I wanted you to pretend

you were in love with me or something.

Why would I pretend that?

Guys do that.

Yeah, well,

I'm not like other guys.

I know.

Okay, I'm gonna help you.

Really?

Yeah, I feel bad

for saying that you sucked...

even though you kind of did.

Let's just get started.

- Now, I'm a hot girl.

- Right.

- Okay, what do you wanna do?

- I wanna feel your b*obs.

No, you dingbat.

You don't just go

groping away.

You gotta preheat the oven

before you stick in the turkey.

Kiss me, here.

Good. Okay, now...

the collarbone-- kiss.

Good, Jim.

You're making me wet.

Holy sh*t. Really?

No, I was just saying that

so you could practise.

Of course.

Does direction matter,

like clockwise, counter clockwise?

Okay, Jim,

this is what I'm talking about.

Your main problem is

you're so uptight.

Do I seem uptight

about my sexual stuff? No.

The biggest pointer

I could give you is...

you have to feel comfortable

in any situation.

Stand up.

Stand up.

- Now, this is a f***ed-up situation.

- What happened to preheating?

- We're skipping a few chapters.

- Oh, okay.

This is good. This is good.

Obviously.

- Gilligan's island, Mr Howell.

- What?

You've got to control yourself

and think of something nonsexual.

I haven't even touched you yet,

and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, nonsexual.

Right, right.

Okay.

- Chairs.

- Good.

Mastodons.

Cleaning my bathroom.

Dung beetles.

Okay. Now, don't freak out.

I'm gonna do something

to push your threshold.

Oh, that's cold!

What are you doing?

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