American Pie 2 Page #4

Flank pattern.

- What are you doin'?

- Fishin'.

Are you okay?

- You okay?

- I'm so sorry. Is everybody okay?

Amazing.

The Force is strong

in that one.

Whoa.

The Sherminator detects serious heat

at a distance of two metres.

Preparing to deploy beer.

Dude, let me give you a valuable

piece of advice, okay?

Drop the whole

''Sherminator'' thing.

Please repeat previous statement.

Look, I know your last name

is Sherman, right?

And that rhymes

with The Terminator...

which was a big hit movie

ten years ago.

But you can't tell me

a girl's ever really gone for it.

System overload.

Hasta la vista, Jessica.

Freak.

Vic, hey, you guys are leaving?

You know, we barely had a chance

to hang out, you know, catch up.

- What are you doing this weekend?

- I can get together.

- Cool. Let's hang out.

- All right.

- Bye, Kev.

- See ya, Jess.

No, no, that's all wrong.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

- So what does he mean, ''meet up''?

- You know, like hang out...

grab lunch, whatever.

I told you, we're just friends now.

And he totally understands.

- I'm sure he understands quite well.

- He does.

Oh, no, sir. These are all

wrong for you. I mean, seriously.

Sure. Well, we're friends.

But it's not like I see her

making plans with anyone else.

I don't see her with a boyfriend.

I think that puts me on deck.

Hey, Vicky only slept with

one guy since we went out.

I mean, that like makes me 50%%

of her entire guy-related life.

You dipshit.

She didn't sleep with one guy.

She slept with at least three.

What?

When a girl tells you

how many guys she slept with...

multiply it by three

and that's the real number.

Didn't you f***ers

learn anything at college?

He did not sleep with three girls,

much like Sly and the Family Stone...

aren't gonna dance in here

and gang-bang me...

between the afros

and the bell-bottoms, okay?

It's not gonna happen.

- Kevin did not sleep with three girls.

- Why would he lie to me?

It's not a lie. It's an adjustment.

The rule of three.

- The rule of what?

- Three.

If a guy tells you how many girls he's

been with, it's not even close to that.

Take that number and divide it by three.

Then you get the real total.

So, if Kevin's saying it's been three

girls, it's more like one, or none.

- None?

- Rule of three.

It's an exact science,

consistent as gravity.

Ozzy, I'm happy for you.

At least you've seen a nice bod

while Heather's off suckin' dick.

Keep your fantasies to yourself.

Dude, use your f***in' brain.

''I'm the American college chick.

La, la, la.

Your European cultural sh*t

is so charming.

Hot Spanish guy.

Love your accent.

Love your ding-dong.''

I'm tellin' you, right now there

is a dick in your girlfriend's mouth.

- Knock it off.

- What'd I say?

Oh, my God!

Guys, check it out.

Lesbians.

Lesbians live here.

You know,

Mr Homophobic Wizard...

that it is possible for women

to hold hands and not be gay.

Friends can hold hands.

Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear

about you and your boyfriends.

- Go jerk off.

- Unnecessary.

Tantra teaches you to hold

an orgasm over time...

in anticipation

of an ultimate moment...

to release it upon the world.

I'm filling up to the brim.

That's f***ing disgusting!

I'm gonna throw up.

Hey, Heather. You're in!

How's the studying going?

I'd hardly call it studying.

I've been going

to the Picasso museum...

hanging out

at Sagrada Familia...

going with Pierre

to the Parc Guell.

- Who's Pierre?

- One of the guys in the programme.

He's got a girlfriend back in France, so

we've kind of got something in common.

That sounds cool.

Yeah, I've overheard them

on the phone at night.

And, well, it made me think.

Hey, Oz, l'm reaching under my shirt

and l'm rubbing myself.

Oz, come on. It's phone sex.

Help me out here.

Okay.

I'm going over to my bed.

and l'm lying down.

And I'm slowly...

reaching downstairs.

Grab it.

Tell me how big it is.

Listen, Heather,

I'm feeling kind of awkward.

If we can't be with each other,

then we have to learn to be more vocal.

- Right?

- Right. Okay.

Okay, here we go.

I'm reaching in my pants now.

And I'm rubbing it

for you, Heather.

And it feels so good.

- Yeah, me too.

- Oh, yeah.

I got--

Call waiting.

Sh*t. Hello?

Wrong number.

Hey. Hello. Wrong number.

All right, look, man. I got

my hand on my dick right now, okay...

and I'm trying to have sex

with my girlfriend over the phone.

Good for you, man.

Sorry about that.

Where were we?

I think you were

reaching for something.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Heather. I'm rubbing it

and it feels so good.

Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself.

What else do you want me to do?

Heather, baby.

Why don't you tell me my dick

is as big as Stifler's.

Stifler, get off!

I am getting off just listening

to the two of you guys.

- Keep going.

- We should try this another time.

Yeah, all right.

Bye. I love you.

- I love you.

- Come on you, guys. I was almost there!

- Nice talking with you, Steven.

- Stifler, man!

Repressed.

Check it out.

Potential lesbians

leaving the building.

All right.

Now is my chance.

I need confirmation.

Stifler. Hey, man,

what are you doing?

Go get him.

You ass.

Stifler, get out.

Sh*t, dude!

I found a dildo!

Big blue rubber d*cks

for everyone!

- The people demand rubber d*cks!

- Finch, help.

Dildo, dildo, dildo!

- What are you doing?

- Looking for more lesbian artefacts.

- Where'd you get this?

- Finch's ass.

Sh*t! Guys, they're back.

Stall 'em!

Come on. Come on!

- Come on. Come on.

- This is awesome!

Danielle, Amber, hi.

Just needed the paper, huh?

- Which room?

- I can't remember. I was too excited.

- I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

- Was it in here?

- Why you asking me so many questions?

- Was it in here?

- Maybe.

- Was it or was it not here?

Happy painting, boys.

You gotta get out of there.

They're inside.

Oh, sh*t, balls!

- Very original, Steven.

- Don't call me Steven.

I can wear that

little leopard bikini of mine.

I love that one.

It's so cute on you.

Help me zip, please.

- Did I show you my cute pink shoes?

- Does it match your pink bikini?

They're getting naked.

- Cute.

- Thank you.

Sh*t. She's de-pantsing.

Oh, man.

Wait. They can't hear us inside?

We won't cross over their radio?

No, man.

These work on a CB frequency.

This girl is so hot.

Two possible lesbians

in their bras and panties.

Lesbians?

Did you say lesbians?

Hot lesbians!

- Don't touch me.

- I'm not.

That better not have been

what I thought it was.

This is not gonna fit.

Look at you and look at me.

- Too big.

- I'll get you the blue stringy number.

Johnny West is missing.

Maybe you kicked it

under the bed.

Okay, let me look.

Wait. Didn't you have it

when we were downstairs?

Maybe.

Guys, get the hell

out of there right now.

Come on!

- It's clear!

- Go, go, go!

They're coming back.

I'm just so glad I found him.

He's my favourite collectible.

I know.

Guys, we got nothin'

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