American Pie

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INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded

shirts...pants...socks...and hear

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.

JIM (O.S.)

Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more

appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in

and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional

glimpses of what looks like --

JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)

...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is

possible to watch the pay channels while they're

scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in

the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,

short, horny.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Give it to me! Yes!

JIM:

Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.

We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next

to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy

model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"

section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the

"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Don't you love my sexy body?!

JIM:

I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off

the floor.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

You're so big!

JIM:

Yeah, that's right.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)

(deep macho voice)

Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)

Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

JIM:

Man, shut up!

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after

which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers

himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's

oblivious to his doings.

JIM'S MOM

Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say

sweet dreams.

JIM:

Yep, okay Mom, 'night.

JIM'S MOM

(leans in to Jim)

Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.

She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)

Is something wrong with the reception?

JIM:

Yeah. Damn cable. There's this

nature show that I'm trying to watch.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

F*** me! Yes!

JIM:

Uh...

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,

but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

JIM:

(choking)

Must...be...broken...

JIM'S DAD enters.

JIM'S DAD

What the heck is this?

JIM:

Nothing!

JIM'S MOM

I think he's trying to watch one of

the illegal channels.

JIM:

Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal!

They're pay channels. How could a

television channel be illegal?! God,

get a clue!

JIM'S DAD

James, don't speak that way to your

mother!

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)

Play with my hairy balls!

JIM'S DAD

Turn that garbage off! Give me that!

Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the

pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed

aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his

shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.

JIM'S MOM

Oh my God!

JIM'S DAD

Honey, why don't you let me handle this

one.

He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his

half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long,

strained beat.

JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)

Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,

son, I'll buy you some dirty

magazines.

Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape,

humiliated.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)

Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:

"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place

To Be"

EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY

The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.

He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school

senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.

She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big

"Vanderbilt" return address on it.

KEVIN:

It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.

You got in.

VICKY:

You think so?

She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various

forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

KEVIN:

"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but

after keeping you on the wait list for

the past couple months, we've decided

you are now rejected. Enclosed is a

100-page, full-color brochure on how

rejected you are."

VICKY:

Kevin, this is serious!

KEVIN:

You got in.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles

concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and

hug.

VICKY:

I love you!

She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,

almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky

senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball

in a lacrosse stick.

OZ:

Illegal channels? Sh*t, if there's

any channel that should be illegal,

it's whatever that women's channel is.

Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some

sh*t.

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