American Pie Page #2

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JIM:

Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little

Mermaid on TV the other night? That

Ariel, whew.

OZ:

She's a mermaid, dude.

JIM:

(trumping him)

Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.

OZ:

She's a cartoon, dude.

JIM:

A hot cartoon.

OZ:

Is there anything you don't jerk off

to?

JIM:

C-Span?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz

bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it

again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

KEVIN:

Then she said -- she loves me.

OZ:

Oh sh*t dude, the L-word!

JIM:

And you said...

KEVIN:

Nothing, I just hugged her back.

JIM:

You think she was serious?

KEVIN:

I couldn't tell -- She could've meant

like, "I love you grandma" or "I love

you Vanderbilt."

OZ:

Just don't bring it up, hang low,

maybe she won't mention it again.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of

which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

MICHELLE:

And what we should do today, in band?

Instead of playing our instruments

regularly? We should play them

backwards! That'll be so funny!

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting

to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys

shudder.

OZ:

(to Jim)

You guys got the Latin homework?

JIM:

No -- Kevin, you?

KEVIN:

(offended)

Please.

(then)

We're all golden, we're college bound.

I figured it out -- I can get a c-

minus in every class, and it's not

gonna make a difference. U of M, here

I come.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting

a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

VICKY:

Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.

JESSICA:

Yeah right.

VICKY:

What? We both have cars.

JESSICA:

Yeah but, no offense, you're talking

about a post-high school, long-

distance relationship, and you and

Kevin haven't even done it yet.

VICKY:

That's not why we're going out.

JESSICA:

What the hell are you expecting him to

drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and

cookies?

VICKY:

Jessica! He'll drive there for me,

and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.

We're going to have sex when he's

ready and I'm ready. It's got to be

completely perfect. I want the right

place, the right time, the right

moment.

JESSICA:

Vicky, it's not a space shuttle

launch, it's sex. So did you do the

physics write-up?

VICKY:

(offended, a la Kevin)

Please.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.

PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

JIM:

There's our man.

KEVIN:

Finch, you got the Latin homework?

FINCH:

Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.

The guys keep staring. A beat.

KEVIN:

Whatever.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz

is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a

maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part

of the group.

STIFLER:

(yelling)

NOVA!!

OZ:

Stifler!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear

hug.

STIFLER:

You coming to party tonight,

Ostreicher, ya fuckface?

OZ:

Depends if my date wants to stop by.

STIFLER:

That junior chick?

OZ:

Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm

working on something new.

STIFLER:

Yeah right. I got an idea for

something new. How 'bout you guys

actually locate your d*cks, remove the

shrink wrap, and f***in' use 'em.

OZ:

Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a

college chick!

STIFLER:

Bullshit. From where?

OZ:

She works part-time at my dad's store.

STIFLER:

Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like

your dad works at her store.

OZ:

Dude, he does not.

KEVIN:

Really, Stifler. He's the manager.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

STIFLER:

Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm

f***in' impressed. I mean, "Footlong

or six-inch, white or wheat," that's

some serious sh*t to master.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

KEVIN:

(half-joking)

Stifler, you're such an a**hole.

STIFLER:

Meyers, what's the deal with you and

Vicky, anyway? You've been going out

since Homecoming and all she'll do is

blow you? Sh*t, I'd drop her like a

steaming turd.

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