American Pie Page #3

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FINCH:

Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of

stool?

STIFLER:

(momentarily puzzled)

I do when I'm throwing them at your

mom, you damn freak.

(then)

Alright then, see you guys tonight.

I'll look for you in the No F***ing

section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a

comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks

off.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a

tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on

his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

KEVIN'S BROTHER

You called me to ask me how to get laid?

KEVIN:

What was I gonna do, call dad? I

don't even know his number.

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Just dial 976-A**hole.

KEVIN:

Yeah, well anyway...I thought you

might have some advice, brother to

brother. I mean, I think tonight she

might, we might really, there's a

chance that -- you know.

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Have you ever heard of the bible?

KEVIN:

What? Not the Bible?

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Well, that's not really the name, but

we always called it that.

KEVIN:

Does it tell me how to get laid?

KEVIN'S BROTHER

You know what, nevermind. You're not

ready.

KEVIN:

Ready for what?

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck

at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,

CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a

table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with

condiments.

KEVIN:

You ever hear of something called The

Bible?

OZ:

Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA

Weekly.

JIM:

Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive

SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind

seeks outgoing companion."

Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.

OZ:

"Fun loving" -- insane.

KEVIN:

Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"

equals old.

JIM:

No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is

really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.

FINCH:

Perhaps you should consider actually

answering an ad.

JIM:

Finch, you can be the one to date a

nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your

damn imitation hot dog.

FINCH:

("for the hundredth time")

This is no imitation. Removing the

hot dog from the Ultradog yields a

better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no

dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's

all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.

KEVIN:

(checks his watch)

Alright...I'm shooting for a nine

o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five

after.

JIM:

You can crash at Stifler's?

KEVIN:

It's all good.

(He pulls out some gum)

Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically

skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of

Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.

OZ:

(repulsed)

Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.

KEVIN:

You got something up your sleeve for

tonight, Finch?

FINCH:

A foolproof plan, my friend. You

shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded

by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the

Manfred Mann remake].

OZ:

(sings along)

And little hurly-burly came by in her

curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed

I ri-hide --

KEVIN:

How the hell do you know all these

random songs?

OZ:

It's early Springsteen, dude, this is

classic. This was before the cheesy

remake.

JIM:

This was remade? Into what?

OZ:

(chiming in as the chorus hits)

Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose

like a deuce, another runner in the

night, blinded...

KEVIN:

At least now I know what the hell

they're saying.

JIM:

So, does my hair look better --

(flips a small lock of hair

onto his forehead)

like this, or...

(flips it back up)

like this?

OZ:

Who cares?

JIM:

Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian

chick, she might be there tonight.

Now, do you think she'd prefer --

(flips hair down again)

Cool Hip Jim...

(flips it back up)

or Laid Back Jim?

KEVIN:

The difference is so phenomenal, I

can't decide.

EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING

They exit the restaurant.

JIM:

What about you? You're the one with

the girlfriend and you're still

stranded on third base.

KEVIN:

You know, I've never got that sh*t.

What exactly constitutes third base?

OZ:

(holds up a couple fingers)

Contact, dude.

KEVIN:

Then where does a blowj*b figure in?

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