American Pie 5: The Naked Mile

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(GROANING)

Oh, honey, you don't look so good.

You should stay home from brunch.

- Are you sure?

- Mmm.

I really want to go.

You stay and rest.

You can see Grandma when we get back.

Thank you, Videobarn dumpster.

Wanna f*** me, baby?

Oh, yes. Yeah.

You wanna f*** me?

Hey, Erik. Do you know if your dad

still has my clippers?

I have no idea, Mr. Williams.

All right. Go back to what you were doing.

(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)

You wanna f*** me, baby?

Yeah.

(WOMAN MOANING)

Yeah. F*** me, baby.

Yes, please.

Oh, do me, baby.

Honey.

Yeah, just like that.

Oh, yeah! So good, so good, baby.

Oh, yeah!

I told you I was paying.

So what's the difference

if you forgot the coupon?

Honey, she doesn't like to waste money.

There's no way I'm letting you pay full price

when there's a two-for-one coupon

sitting on the counter.

I'll be right out.

I'm coming, too. Now I gotta pee.

I'll check on Erik.

ERIK:
Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, that's good.

- You like that? I like that, too.

- Oh, yeah!

HARRY:
Here we go.

MOTHER:
Okay, Mom.

- Harder.

- Harder? Okay.

Oh, yeah! So good.

- Like this?

- Yeah, right there, babe.

- Like this? Like this?

- Yeah.

Baby, do me just like that.

Okay, attagirl.

- From behind?

- Oh, yeah, baby! Harder!

- Okay.

- All right.

- You wanna cum for me, baby?

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah? Cum for me, baby.

- I'm so close. I will.

MOTHER:
We're almost there.

You're gonna cum for me?

I'm about to. I'm about to.

That's it, baby.

(SCREAMING)

Grandma. Grandma.

HARRY:
Grandma.

ERIK:
And that's the day

my grandmother died.

And it's pretty much the story of my life.

But let me back things up a little bit.

That's me. Not exactly the life of the party.

That's my buddy, Mike Coozeman.

Everybody calls him Cooze

'cause that's all he's ever interested in.

Cooze is a self-proclaimed ladies' man

and a legend in his own mind.

Sometimes his methods are...

(GROANS)

questionable.

Very smooth.

Oh, please. I consider that foreplay.

Where's Ryan?

I don't know.

Last time I saw him,

he was dancing with Stacey and Shelly.

ERIK:
That's my best friend, Ryan Grimm.

I don't know how he does it.

See, I told you there was enough

for both of you.

He moved here in second grade.

Believe it or not, back then,

I was the one showing him the ropes.

Now he's the quarterback

of the football team,

and the coolest guy in school.

Hey, I brought you a vodka and ginger ale

so it won't upset your stomach.

Oh, thanks.

That's my girlfriend, Tracy.

We met in Biology, junior year.

TEACHER:
Now make the first

incision into your frogs.

Cut along the ventral side from the pelvic

to the pectoral girdle.

Oh!

I don't know what she saw in me,

but when I finally got up the nerve

to ask her out, she said yes.

And for some reason,

she kept going out with me.

It's like she totally gets me.

And I try my best to get her.

Come on. Take the low one. It's easy.

(SIGHING)

Screw it.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Oh!

Are you all right?

I don't know.

Is it possible to break your ass?

Okay, I promise I'll never make you

ride a horse again.

Looks like she's perfect, right?

There's just one problem.

Tracy's not ready to have sex yet,

so that makes me a virgin.

Now, being one of the only virgins in school

is bad enough,

but it's even worse for me.

Yup.

I'm a Stifler.

My cousins are the legendary Stifler boys.

Steve, his brother, Matt,

and our other cousin, Dwight.

You see, with my last name

comes responsibility,

a reputation that I'm supposed to live up to.

Unfortunately, I've let down the family name

on more than one occasion.

What's your problem, Erik?

Your cousin would've helped me

steal this beer.

Dude, a real Stifler

would have totally f***ed that goat.

If you were really a Stifler,

you would have nailed Tracy by now.

ERIK:
Stifler.

My name, my legacy, my curse.

I can't believe you killed your grandmother

from jerking off.

The coroner's findings were inconclusive.

Why are you still whacking it

to that dumpster porn?

Yeah, why don't you just go on the Internet

like a normal person?

Well, because my mom

put on that CyberNanny

after you spent the entire night looking up

German fetish porn.

Man, you are pathetic.

You know who I blame for this? Tracy.

What? Why?

Because, if she would just give up

a little ass,

then maybe you wouldn't be killing

your relatives with your money shot.

Erik, you cannot graduate a virgin.

For Christ's sake, you're a Stifler.

Hey, sweetie. How was your math class?

It was all right. How was English?

Pretty interesting, actually.

You know that kid

that I always tell you about?

- He was doing that pencil thing all...

- That's cool.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Erik, we've been dating for two years.

I know when something's bothering you.

Nothing's wrong.

I don't know why you think

you have this psychic ability to read me.

Because I do. What is it?

You're gonna think I'm an a**hole.

Let's just forget about it.

Come on, Erik, you know you can talk to me

about anything.

All right.

It's the sex.

I mean,

we've been together for two years.

Two years, Trace.

I mean, when we were juniors,

it was one thing,

but we're seniors now,

and this whole virgin thing

is starting to have

some serious consequences.

I mean, people are dying.

I told you, I'm not ready yet.

I am so ready.

Can't I be ready enough for the both of us?

It doesn't work that way.

It should.

I'm sorry, Erik.

I know how patient you've been.

I know. It's just sometimes...

What?

Well, you're a girl.

It's a lot easier for you to be a virgin

because the longer you stay a virgin,

the more pure and innocent you seem.

The longer I stay a virgin,

the more I become the laughingstock

of the entire school.

I'm sorry, but... I mean...

I'm sorry I brought it up.

(BELL RINGING)

I gotta go. I'll see you after school.

Okay.

Bye.

I'm telling you, his dick was this big.

NATALIE:
What about Erik?

I bet he's got a big one.

Well, Tracy wouldn't know.

Whatever.

Yeah, I guess it's pretty hard

to figure out dick size from dry humping.

Brooke, that's mean.

Just because I don't have a catalog

of the school's dick sizes like you,

doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two.

Okay, so how big is Erik's?

See? Told you.

Come on, Brooke.

It's not like that with us.

I mean, Erik's different.

He respects my boundaries.

Well, you better give that boy

a reason to stick around,

or he's gonna find a girl

with looser boundaries.

Erik would never do that.

Yeah, that's what you said about Trent.

He broke up with you over sex,

and that was sophomore year.

Yeah, this just isn't gonna

work without the sex.

God, Trent is cute,

and I heard he just broke up with Holly.

Look, Tracy, we love you, and we love Erik,

but let's get real.

He's a guy, and guys have certain needs.

They really do.

It's like a caveman thing or something.

Yeah, I can't believe

you've kept him tied up this long.

Hey, Erik, guess who I just talked to?

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