American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #2

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Who?

Your cousin Stifler up at Michigan.

Why are you talking to my cousin Dwight?

Oh, we talk all the time.

What? We have a lot in common.

What's that crazy bastard up to?

He's in some fraternity,

and all those guys do is drink and f***.

And it just so happens that they're throwing

a monster party this weekend

for the Naked Mile.

What's the Naked Mile?

Oh, dude, it's this thing

where thousands of students

run naked through campus.

It's the way of blowing off

steam after exams.

Thousands of naked chicks?

Stifler says that this party is gonna be epic.

Bottom line is, this place is played out.

High school's over for us.

It's time to plant our flag in a new land.

Porn, cumshot, dead grandmother,

grounded forever?

Don't worry.

Just tell your parents that, you know,

you're thinking about going to school there.

- I don't know, man.

- Oh, please.

Your mom cried when you told her

you were going to school in Boston.

She'll probably help you pack

if she thinks it'll keep you close to home.

I'll help you pack.

I'll make sandwiches.

Chicken salad?

Of course.

Are you gonna get a chance

to see your cousin?

Yeah. We might stop by and say hello.

Now, there's someone you

should definitely look up to.

I bet he doesn't have time

to blow his load on his family.

- Harry, please.

- HARRY:
I don't understand.

When I was your age,

I was up to my neck in poontang.

I didn't have time to spank my monkey.

Thank you for that very

disturbing image, Dad.

I mean, Stiflers do not fake

being sick to stay home and pull dick.

We cut class to get ass.

Yes, I know.

That saying is on our family crest.

Oh, don't let me forget

to pack the Imodium AD.

You know, just in case you get diarrhea.

- Mom.

- I am so excited.

Aren't you excited, Harry?

I'm very excited.

Don't you get excited.

ERIK:
It worked

just like you said.

She's helping me pack,

and she's even making us sandwiches.

- Chicken salad?

- Yup.

Sweet.

See, I told you. Never doubt me.

RYAN:
Man, this weekend is gonna be tits.

I can't wait to see Stifler.

Hey, how come you never call me Stifler?

You're more of an Erik.

(BEEPING)

Hold on.

That's Tracy. I'd better take it.

All right, later.

Hey, sweetie.

Listen, about today, I'm really...

Erik, I wanna have sex.

Excuse me?

TRACY:
I wanna have sex.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

Do you have me on a conference call?

Because if you do, that is so not cool.

Erik, this isn't a joke.

I want to have sex.

Yes! Yes, yes.

TRACY:
Tonight.

What?

Tonight. I wanna have sex tonight.

How am I supposed to get out of my house?

That's up to you.

But at midnight, I'll be in my basement

waiting to be ravished.

I'll be there.

Hypocrite.

So you get the beer and the weed,

and I'll handle the nitrous.

You got it. What's Erik bringing?

Sandwiches.

Nice. Chicken salad and college p*ssy.

My favorite combination.

Yeah, well, at least you'll get to taste

the chicken salad.

Ow.

Hey, what do you think Erik's doing

right now?

Probably beating off to dumpster porn.

No more beating off to dumpster porn.

No more virgin jokes.

Tonight, Erik Stifler becomes a man.

- Hi.

- Come on in.

- All right, listen.

- No.

No talking.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait.

What?

Did you hear something?

No. Don't worry, my parents are passed out.

Are you sure?

You know how my stomach gets.

Here, I'll help you relax.

You brought something, right?

Oh, sh*t. I left it at home.

I can run back and get it.

I'll be back in like five...

No, no, don't worry. I've got one.

Do you wanna put it on or should I?

Let's put it on together.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

(DOOR OPENING)

Sh*t. Someone's coming.

Quick, get behind the bar. Now!

Honey, what are you still doing up?

Yoga.

I ate too much at dinner.

Why don't you take an Alka-Seltzer?

Alka-Seltzer is for babies.

I just need a nightcap.

(FARTING)

Excuse me.

Sounds like you could use an Alka-Seltzer.

Daddy. Here, let me get you your drink.

No, that's okay, honey.

You go back to your yoga.

No, Daddy, I really want to.

Sweetie, I'm a grown man.

I can make my own drink.

(RUSTLING)

What was that?

What was what?

I didn't hear anything.

There was a noise

coming from the laundry room.

I must be hearing things.

See, Daddy? I told you.

Now, come make your drink.

(FARTING)

What the...

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

You all right, baby?

I'm fine, Daddy.

Oh, that sick bastard took

a sh*t in our dryer.

I'm calling the police.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Ryan? Ryan?

Ryan, get up man. Ryan!

What the f***?

It's me. It's Erik.

Dude, why are you naked in my room?

And with a rubber on your dick.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

Look, I'm in serious trouble, okay?

I need your help.

(SNIFFING)

What's that smell?

Did you step in dog sh*t?

Yeah.

Hey, man, thanks for the clothes.

I'll get them back to you.

No, thanks. Why don't you just burn them?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Wonder if I get a reward for turning you in.

NEWSREADER:
If the alleged

improprieties are confirmed,

it could be devastating for the White House.

Sources near the

administration would neither

confirm nor deny the allegations.

And in local news, a masked burglar broke

into an area residence,

defecated in the family dryer,

and then exposed himself to a teenage girl.

Police are continuing the search,

but the whereabouts and

identity of the perpetrator are unknown.

What is wrong with these people?

And now, Dakota Snow

with the weekend forecast.

I don't know.

You scared me.

Sorry.

Listen, about last night...

Yeah, you know,

I'd just really rather not talk about it.

I really think that we should.

Erik, you took a crap in my dryer.

Your dad scared the sh*t out of me.

- Wait.

- You know, let's just...

Let's forget about it, okay?

Okay, but what about the other thing?

The sex?

I'm taking last night as a sign from above.

But maybe...

I mean, if your dad didn't come down...

Erik, I love you. I'm just...

I'm not ready yet.

Really?

Really.

But I also realized just how ready you are.

I don't wanna break up over sex.

I don't think we have to.

I'm not ready. You are.

It's selfish for me to keep you tied down.

So, this is what I'm proposing.

A guilt-free pass for this weekend.

That means you can do

whatever you want up there

with no consequences.

You're sure about this?

I don't think love and sex

have to be tied to each other,

so I'm okay with this.

One weekend. Get it out of your system,

and come back to me.

Is this some kind of a test?

Not at all.

- RYAN:
and one of bomb beer.

- COOZE:
Yes.

See, this is perfect.

Hey, we all set?

I don't know.

I told you he'd puss out.

Tell me you at least

brought the sandwiches.

What's the problem?

There is no problem.

Tracy just gave me

a guilt-free pass for the weekend,

which means I can do anything I want.

Anything?

You mean...

Yeah, she said

that love and sex don't have to be linked.

She wants me to get it out of my system.

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