American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #3

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Dude, your girlfriend just went from

the lamest to the coolest in one shot.

You guys think it could be, like,

some sort of a test?

- No, no.

- No, no.

Tracy's a smart girl.

She's mature enough to see

that you're a man...

- Yeah.

...and you have certain needs.

You think so?

Absolutely.

You're driving.

Now get in the car

so we can go get you some random p*ssy.

Gentlemen, it's Friday afternoon,

we've got a full tank of gas,

a quarter ounce of weed,

three cases of beer,

a ten-pound tank of nitrous,

we're underage...

And I am too drunk to drive.

Hit it.

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

You sure this sh*t's safe?

It's as safe as any other chemical

used to freeze-dry animals.

Look at the size of that f***ing chicken.

Where?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- RYAN:
Whoa, what the f***?

- What f***ing chicken?

Relax, he's hallucinating.

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

Yeah, Tracy. What were you thinking?

But you guys told me

I had to give him a reason to stick around.

Yeah, you give him a reason,

not give him a free pass

to go have a weekend orgy.

You've got to stop this.

If he has sex this weekend,

what do you think's gonna happen?

That it will get it out of his system.

Oh, yeah. That's how it works.

He's gonna go from

getting laid back to dry humping.

It's pretty risky, Tracy.

Risky? It's a f***ing Pandora's box, literally.

And once he's felt

the soft pink velvet on the inside of the box,

he's not gonna go back

to rubbing his dick on the outside of the lid.

Never thought of it like that.

Tracy, men are like dogs

that run around and hump

anything they see.

Now go and get your dog back on its leash.

(CELLPHONE BUZZING)

Come on, Erik.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Sorry, kids. It's for the best.

Tracy?

Oh, Mr. Levenstein.

- Hi.

- Hi.

You're back for more yoga.

Well, my wife is hooked on it,

and she thinks if I can be

a little more flexible, we can try some new...

Have you ever heard of a book

called the Kama Sutra?

No.

Oh, well, my wife just got it,

and there's some stuff in there that requires

some serious stretching,

if you know what I mean.

Are you okay, honey?

You look a little upset.

Oh, you know, just some boyfriend stuff.

Oh, boyfriend stuff.

Well, if there's anything I can do.

No offense or anything,

but I don't think you'd understand.

Oh, I see.

You know, my son had his fair share

of relationship/sexual/

pastry-related difficulties,

and I think my advice

helped him over the years.

Well, do you have any advice for a girl

dumb enough to give her virgin boyfriend

a guilt-free pass for the weekend?

I'm sorry, a guilt-free pass?

That means he could do whatever he wants

this weekend with no consequences.

Oh my!

Well, that certainly sounds progressive,

and a safe bet on what is probably gonna be

a humdrum weekend.

He's at the Naked Mile this weekend.

You gave your boyfriend a guilt-free pass

to the Naked Mile? Are you kidding me?

Tracy, the Naked Mile is insane. You...

From what I hear.

I wouldn't know from personal experience

because I, you know,

I have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

But, look, Tracy,

even if your boyfriend is at this Naked Mile,

it doesn't mean he's gonna do anything.

Really?

Well, just because he can,

doesn't mean he will.

Relationships are all about trust.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, namaste.

Namaste.

Hey, have you seen my phone?

No.

Maybe you left it back at school.

No, no, I thought I put in my backpack.

Hey, you wanna pull over

at that stop up ahead? I gotta take a piss.

Just piss in a can or something.

Man, I could cut my dick on the lip.

Well, piss out the window.

Love that breeze off the lake.

COOZE:
This place is incredible.

Just think, next year

I'm gonna be going here.

Yeah, thanks to Daddy

and his alumni connections.

F*** off.

I told you, I got in on my SAT scores.

You scored five points

above being legally retarded.

(RYAN AND ERIK LAUGHING)

Whatever. Still got in.

Hey, why does it smell like piss back here?

RYAN:
This is it. Beta Delta Xi.

- ERIK:
This is the house?

- RYAN:
Yeah.

Cool.

Whoa.

What's going on here?

I have no idea.

ALL:
Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.

Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.

Hold your drink!

MAN:
Whoa.

MAN:
Okay.

Yeah.

How you feeling there, Stretch?

Little dizzy?

'Cause guess what?

Stifler can drink this sh*t all day long.

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL:
Stifler!

Your cousin is my hero.

(MAN WHISTLING)

- All right, everybody freeze!

- Oh, sh*t.

Campus security.

Nobody takes another drink...

...till I got my bet down. I got $200 on Stifler!

Spanky, you had me going,

you silly son of a b*tch.

OFFICER:
Let's do it. Do it!

Yeah.

You got steel nuts, my man.

I'll give you that much.

But you're no match for the Stif-man.

F*** you, Stifler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(ALL MURMURING)

What's the matter, Boy Band?

You need a little something

to settle your stomach?

(BELCHING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(BLOWING)

Yeah, take in the Stifler essence.

Mighty pungent.

(ALL YELLING)

Yeah!

And still Heavyweight Drinking Champion

of the World,

Dwight "The Iron Liver" Stifler!

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm a bad motherf***er, baby!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

He's okay. He's okay.

Hey, cousin.

How you doing?

I'm fine, Dwight. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Hey, I heard that you killed

Grandma with your cumshot.

That sucks, man.

Should we take him to the hospital?

RYAN:
No, he'll be fine.

He told me he does this, like, once a month.

Okay, well, you guys keep an eye on him.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

So, when are we gonna start partying?

Oh, someone's feeling a little frisky.

Let's just say I finally decided

to live up to the family name.

Stifler? We got a serious problem, man.

Mike and the guys just got arrested

trying to steal a monkey from the zoo.

So what's the problem?

Just take the money out of my bail fund.

They're almost half our football team.

We gotta put a team

on the field, man, or we're done.

- Why?

- 'Cause we're already on probation.

We gotta participate in every intermural event

or we're kicked off campus, man.

We're four guys short.

I play football.

I played freshman year.

What about you?

A little Nerf here and there.

Good enough. Stifler?

Mmm?

Can you play?

Don't ever

ask if Stifler can play.

I'm good.

The team we're playing's

been undefeated five straight years.

These guys must be pretty serious.

F***ing-A-right, they're serious.

Lambda Pi Gamma.

They're our arch rivals in everything:

Sports, women, booze.

These guys are f***ing evil.

MAN 1:
Get ready!

MAN 2:
Come on!

Down!

Blue 42.

They're midgets.

Hut, hut!

Don't let their size fool you.

These guys are f***ing animals.

Did I do too much nitrous?

A midget fraternity?

Those rich midgets from those infomercials

gave the school some huge grant,

and started a school

for the vertically challenged and a fraternity.

And this is where every midget

in America wants to be.

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