American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #4

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Hot feet!

DWIGHT:
That's right.

Breakdown.

These guys are the best of the best.

ROCK:
Well, well, well.

If it isn't the regular-size retards

and Captain Retard himself.

You ready to get your ass

kicked again, Shitler?

Get back to Oz there

before you get your ass stomped, Toto.

(LAUGHING)

Toto was the dog, you f***ing idiot.

Lick my balls, big-wheel-riding,

midget motherf***er.

It's little person, f***-nut.

This year, I'm gonna take

a chunk out of your other leg.

You little...

(ALL YELLING)

- You want it? You want it? Come on.

- Take it easy.

Whoa. Whoa.

Out of my way, a**holes.

ERIK:
What's that guy's problem?

That's Rock. He's f***ing crazy.

- He plays dirty.

- ROCK:
Out of my way, you f***ing idiot.

Last year, he bit a chunk out of my thigh.

COOZE:
Jesus!

COOZE:
Hey, his girlfriend's pretty hot.

Yeah. And what's with that regular-size guy?

Oh, it's Rock's cousin.

They had to let him in. Legacy.

What a douchebag.

Can he play?

No, he sucks.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Hey, keep your head up.

Whatever, they're midgets.

How bad can it be?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Holy sh*t!

Keep your head up, b*tch.

I told you, man.

Don't underestimate these little bastards.

Down!

Set!

Hut!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Yeah!

(GROANING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

- Beta!

- Come on!

Let's go, fellas. Get on the line.

Down!

How you feeling, Stifler?

I'm 6'1", Frodo. How about you?

Hut!

(SCREAMING)

The little f***er's biting me again.

(SCREAMING)

Not in my eye!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Funny, you don't look 6'1" from here,

sh*t stain.

(I WISH PLAYING)

DWIGHT:
God,

I hate that f***ing guy.

I'm getting killed out there.

I can't get loose.

They're so fast and small.

I don't know what to do.

Quit crying, you bunch

of bra-wearing pussies.

I just got a hunk taken out of my leg.

You don't hear me crying.

All right, then, let's put

our balls on the table.

Let's go out there and show these little sons

of b*tches what being a Beta's all about.

- You understand what I'm saying, fellas?

- Yeah, yeah.

All right, Beta on three.

- One, two, three, Beta!

- ALL:
Beta!

- Down!

- Set!

DWIGHT:
Hut!

Go!

Go!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah, yeah. Let's go, boys.

All right, we got five seconds left, guys.

If you're about to get

tackled, lateral it to the nearest guy.

It's our only chance.

All right, let's go now.

Come on, Beta on three.

- Beta on three.

- Who's with me?

- One, two, three, Beta!

- ALL:
Beta!

Down!

Set!

Hut!

(MY HERO PLAYING)

(WHOOPING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROANING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(CHEERING)

WOMAN:
We kicked your ass!

(GROANS)

You're still my b*tch, Stifler.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

I can't believe we lost to midgets.

Don't let those Oompa Loompa

bastards get to you.

Right now, we have more important matters

to tend to, gentlemen.

From what I understand,

my cousin has a guilt-free pass

to bang all the girls he can find.

That I do.

Oh, that is good news.

Christ, for a while

I was starting to think you were adopted.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen,

welcome to paradise.

Boys and girls,

we have a celebrity in our midst.

The Heavyweight Drinking Champion

of the World,

Dwight "Iron Liver" Stifler!

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHOOPS)

All right, you p*ssy-wipes,

I'm gonna go find some lady friends.

Try not to blow your wad

in the first minute, huh?

There is no way Allison's

party was better than Jimmy's.

You're nuts. Jimmy's party had two kegs

and those two theater chicks

went down on each other on the pool table

in front of everybody.

What the hell are you two talking about?

What?

Two kegs, theater chicks. Well, guess what?

We're in a college bar

full of unlimited booze and p*ssy,

and we're sitting

at the bar talking about high-school parties.

Ryan? Ryan! What's your problem?

That Great Falls attitude.

All you guys do is talk about Great Falls

like it's the end-all and be-all of existence.

The place is a f***ing trap,

which is why I'm going to California.

I'm not gonna get stuck like the rest of them.

Yeah, I know. I think that's great.

Yeah, but don't you see?

That's what this weekend is about for me.

- What do you mean?

- To see if I can do it.

If I can start over

and accept being low man on the totem pole.

Ryan, it's just a weekend, man.

Maybe to you, but to me

it's a lot more than that.

Man, I sound like a chick.

Mmm-hmm.

I really need to go get some p*ssy.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- No, no, no, no. It's fine.

- I can't believe I did that.

Here, come with me.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

Quick, take off your shirt.

Excuse me?

- Well, I just... I wanna get the stain out.

- Oh, yeah, right.

I knew that.

Are we allowed to be back here?

Oh, yeah, don't worry. I used to bartend here.

Cool.

Look, I'm really,

really sorry about this. Right.

Accidents happen.

- I'm Brandy, by the way.

- I'm Erik.

You know, any other

frat a**hole would bite my head off right now

if I spilled a drink on him.

I'm...

I'm not in a fraternity.

Oh, you're not? So you're independent?

What's that?

You know, a student who's not Greek.

No, I'm just visiting for the weekend.

I'm a senior in high school.

High school?

Yeah.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Really? Most girls slap me

or kick me in the balls when I say that.

Why? It's hysterical.

That's what I say. What are your names?

I'm Jill and this is Alexis.

Hey, this is my buddy Ryan.

- Hey, Ryan.

- Hey, Ryan.

Hey, ladies.

Amnesty International.

Is that some kind of rock band?

It's an organization that works to protect

human rights all over the world.

Oh, yeah.

MAN:
Hey, get away

from our dates.

Down here, a**hole.

What the hell do you want?

Just what he said.

For you two to get away from our dates.

In your dreams, Willow.

There is no way these girls are here with you.

Are you?

- But why?

- They're cool.

And sexy.

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

(GROANS)

Ain't nobody kidding around here, punk.

If you got a problem,

we could settle this right here.

Oh, I would love to.

Okay, stop it, you guys.

Listen, it was really nice meeting you two,

but we're spoken for tonight.

Come on, baby, let's dance.

That did not just happen.

Time for a Stifler blowj*b!

Oh, get sexy, ladies, I love it.

Oh, I feel a stirring in my loins.

You've gotta meet my roommate.

I would love to.

Dude, the f***ing midgets

just stole our women.

RYAN:
Yeah, those f***ers are

out of hand.

I told you guys,

don't underestimate those little bastards.

That midget quarterback

stole my girlfriend last year.

Slut!

ROCK:
Out of my goddamn way.

Holy sh*t!

I thought this place had a no-loser policy.

What are you a**holes doing here?

F*** off, Mighty Mouse.

Man, don't take it out on me

because your ladies like it short and thick,

rather than tall and skinny.

Rock, don't you know, baby?

This bar is like a roller coaster.

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