American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #5

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Yeah, it has a height requirement,

- and I'm afraid you just don't measure up!

- Motherf***er.

- Easy! Easy! Easy!

- Whoa!

This isn't over, Shitler.

Oh, you got that right!

Never get in my way, woman.

What's up?

B*tch.

BRANDY:
That did not happen.

I swear to God, I was running

through the streets with nylons on my head

and the condom still on.

I can't believe I just told you that story.

I think it's great.

I mean, think of it this way,

you'll never forget your first time.

Well, it wasn't...

Technically...

Oh, no, wait.

- You mean you didn't even get to...

- He came down too fast.

Thank you.

Thank you for laughing at my misfortune.

I think you're a sweetheart.

And you're really cute.

This is me.

So, are you guys

running the Mile tomorrow?

I don't know. There's something about

running naked down the street

while you're still a virgin...

Didn't stop you before.

Touch.

You never know, that virgin thing,

it could totally change

by the end of the weekend.

Thanks for walking me home.

What the hell happened to you last night?

What's up, fellas?

What's up?

What's up is we got

cock-blocked by some midgets at the bar.

Cooze, never mind that.

Where the hell were you?

Well, Mother,

if you must know, I was with a girl.

Bullshit. What girl?

Her name is Brandy.

She's in a sorority and she's hot,

and I'm supposed to meet her

at the Mile tonight.

Dude, I don't get it.

We come to college,

we get blown off by chicks for midgets,

and you're hanging out with a sorority girl?

What the f*** is going on here?

So, what are you gonna do?

What do you mean?

He's gonna bang that chick.

Aren't you?

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course I will.

I'm on a guilt-free pass, why wouldn't I?

Why the hesitation, man?

- Oh, sh*t! You're not gonna do it.

- I said I'll do it.

Erik, you've been given a gift from above.

Don't f*** it up.

I won't.

Yes, you will.

No.

I... I gotta get out of here.

(BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

ERIK:
Hey, it's me.

Calling to see how you're doing.

I'm fine,

- I'm just studying.

- Okay.

Cool.

So, did you guys decide

if you're gonna run in the Naked Mile?

No, not yet.

But you know me, I'll probably just wimp out.

I mean, you don't have to.

Yeah, I know.

Are you okay?

I mean, you sound a little weird.

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I just wanted to call and say hello.

Thanks, but you don't need to check in.

I mean, go, have fun.

That's what this weekend's all about.

You're the greatest.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Erik Stifler.

- Hey, Mr. Levenstein.

- Hello, Erik, good to see you.

Yeah. Wow, I haven't seen you

since my parents' New Year's party, right?

Yes, well, your folks really,

really know how to ring in the new year.

Look, I'm sorry about my dad

giving you that wedgie in front of everybody.

Well, your dad's been doing

that to me since we were kids,

and strangely enough, I enjoy it.

So, what are you doing up here?

Oh, well, I went to school here

and, you know, I like to come

back every now and then

and check out the campus.

That's the only reason I'm here.

No other reason that I can think of.

And what about you?

What are you doing here?

Actually, it's kind of personal.

- Oh. Well, say no more.

- Okay.

Okay, listen, good seeing you.

Yeah, for sure.

Mr. Levenstein, you were a counselor

at Tall Oaks Band Camp

with my cousin, Matt, right?

Yes. Yes, I was. And your cousin Matt

needed some counseling...

- Yeah.

...I might add. I gave him some advice.

Advice. Do you think I could

confide something in you?

Well, sure. Yes, Erik, anything. Anything.

Okay.

I'm a virgin.

Okay, can I stop you there?

You're a Stifler and a virgin?

Yeah.

Well, so you're a virgin. What's the big deal?

Well, the other night, my girlfriend and I...

We tried to, you know...

Right. But her father

came down before we had the chance to.

So she changed her mind

completely about the sex,

but she gave me a guilt-free

pass for the weekend.

You got the guilt-free pass?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

you've got the old guilt-free pass dilemma.

- Yeah.

- It's a tough one.

I didn't think people your age

knew about that kind of stuff.

I believe I know more

about this than you think.

Good, because I just

don't know what to do here.

I mean, I've got

this smoking-hot sorority girl all over me.

Well, you know, my son Jim

went through kind of a similar dilemma.

He was going out with this very attractive

foreign-exchange student named Nadia.

Right, right, yeah. That's the one he blew his

load too early with, right?

- Yes.

- Twice.

- Yes.

- Over the Internet.

- Yes, that's the one.

- Yeah.

Well, blowing loads aside...

Yeah.

The next summer Nadia came

to visit Jim at the beach,

and he turned her down

because he had fallen in love with Michelle,

who he later married,

and is now the mother of my grandchild.

So you're saying

I shouldn't hook up with this sorority girl?

I'm saying I think

only you know the answer to that, Erik.

Well, gotta run.

Oh, Erik, I was sorry to hear

about your grandmother.

Last night was amazing.

Yeah, it was.

The three of us should

do it again sometime.

Definitely.

Definitely.

Hey, buddy.

You know how to get to Murray Street?

Oh, yeah, man.

Just go right down Maryland, down to...

What the...

What is this? Enter the Midget?

It's little people, a**hole.

Come get some.

Come get some, baby!

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

Midgets jumped Stifler.

- What?

- What?

The midgets jumped Stifler.

He's in the hospital right now.

Oh, sh*t.

Holy sh*t.

Man, he is f***ed up.

First Grandma, and now this.

All right, we gotta get

those f***ing midgets.

Yeah, man.

Jesus, Ryan, keep it down, will you?

I got a huge f***ing headache.

We thought this guy was you.

F***, no.

I don't know what happened to that p*ssy.

Hey, man, what the hell happened?

Rock and his boys jumped me,

wearing all black and ski masks.

Like I wouldn't know it was them.

Are you all right?

Are you gonna be able to run in the Mile?

Doesn't look like it.

Doc says the Stif-man's gonna be laid up

for at least a couple of more days.

Hey, don't worry.

We will find those little f***ers.

No. I appreciate it, okay?

Stifler'll think of something.

Now you guys are up here

to do two things: Have fun,

and run naked

with hundreds of hot,

big-breasted, horny women.

You understand?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Good. Now get the f***

out of here so I can get some sleep.

Hey, Erik, stick around for a second.

Yeah.

Listen, I know what you're going through.

- You do?

- Sure, yeah. I had the same problem

when I was in middle school.

But living up to

the family name is not an easy thing, man.

Yeah. What did you do?

Well, I whipped out

my dick in class, stole the principal's car,

and then I f***ed a lunch lady.

Oh.

But, hey, that's me.

What do you think I should do?

It's not for me to decide or advise.

You gotta figure that out on your own.

But I will say this.

We got a pretty f***ed-up family,

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