American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #6

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and it's nice having a guy like you around.

Now, seriously, go.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

All I have to say is,

thank you, Dad,

for getting my dumb ass into this school.

Gentlemen, we have officially

arrived at our destination.

ROCK:
Look who decided to show up.

I didn't think you guys

would have the balls for this.

I guess I was right.

Check it out. They still got their clothes on.

Where is old Shitler? I guess the king of

the Naked Mile didn't make it this year.

Nobody starts this f***ing

Naked Mile without me!

(ALL CHEERING)

The king has arrived! Bring out your titties!

You really think that little beating

you gave me could keep me away?

You and the Lollypop Guild

punch like a bunch of five-year-olds.

This is my f***ing school.

Guys.

Right, screw those guys.

We're here to have fun, right?

Oh, f***ing-A-right,

we're here to have some fun.

Hey, why the hell

do you guys still have your clothes on?

Listen, Stifler, we were talking and...

Hey, Stifler. I like your IVs.

DWIGHT:
Hello, ladies.

Looking sexy as always.

Heard you were in the hospital.

Just a little beating by a bunch of midgets.

Hey, Cooze.

Jill the Thrill. Back on the Cooze radar.

(IMITATING RADAR BEEPING)

Hey, Erik.

Hey, Brandy.

- Ryan.

- Alexis.

So, you ladies ready to run this Mile

and get extra f***ing sexy?

- Hell, yeah!

- Hell, yeah!

What about you guys?

Yeah, what are you guys doing still dressed?

Well, we figured we'd just watch the Mile

and then meet you guys

at the party afterwards.

That's too bad 'cause this

Naked Mile is gonna be crazy.

Really crazy. Right, Brandy?

Absolutely out of control.

Yeah! That's what

I'm f***ing talking about, boys.

Set the c*cks free!

Let's huddle up over here. Come on, fellas.

Cock huddle.

All right, b*tch tits.

I got a little surprise for you f***ers.

What do you got?

Just a little pharmaceutical delight for later.

JACKSON:
Stifler! You uncircumcised twat!

Jackson, you little-dicked motherf***er.

What is this?

It looks like some kind of E.

- Should we take it now?

- He said save it for later.

F*** that!

I'm about to run naked through the streets.

I need all the drug-induced courage

I can get.

I'm so glad you guys decided to run.

You must work out.

Yeah, well, I play football.

I love football players.

Did anybody ever tell you

that you have a nice ass?

That guy's a prick!

Hey, Stifler, is this supposed

to be some pretty good E?

What E?

The pills you gave us.

Oh, sh*t! You retards.

That's not E.

It's that f***ing four-hour hard-on drug.

- Oh, sh*t.

- DWIGHT:
I scored some at the hospital.

I thought you limp-dicked

b*tches could use some.

- Oh, God.

- Holy f***, you didn't...

Holy sh*t!

I don't think I can talk this one down, man.

It's got a mind of its own.

Hey, do not run behind me. Okay?

It's... It's just that we thought that it was...

Honey, don't apologize.

Yeah, you guys are running with us.

Oh, man!

This is going to be the best Naked Mile ever!

Good evening...

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

(BEEPING)

Who is that guy?

That is big, bad Noah Levenstein.

The craziest bastard

this campus has ever known.

My bad. My bad. Welcome to the Naked Mile.

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes, you know, when I started this race

many, many...

Christ, he started this whole

thing back in the '60s.

...many years ago.

It was just... Just a passive protest.

Just a way to "stick it

to the man," so to speak.

Right on. Right on.

But over the years,

it's become somewhat less political.

And now, it's just

some sort of Roman orgy,

which I'm down with, by the way.

But let's keep one thing in mind.

This is about

showing the world your youthful exuberance,

and your unabashed commitment

to higher learning,

and having fun while you're doing it,

which is where the naked part comes in.

ALL:
Yeah!

And being completely naked is, of course,

a perfectly natural thing.

There's not one part of one's body

one should be ashamed of,

be it one's pubic region

or one's breasts,

as in the case with you young ladies...

(ALL CHEERING)

...and a couple of you young men.

But you should all just revel

in the glory of being seen

as the people you are.

Incidentally, if anyone has anything...

Come on, let's f***ing do this!

I second that motion, young man.

Okay, everybody ready.

Get set...

Still going?

You know it, baby. Hell, yeah!

You love the Boss Hogg!

(WHOOPING)

All right, yeah. Look at this.

Look at all these teats.

I'm adrift in a sea of boobies,

and my balls are scraping the pavement.

Oh, heads up.

Look, its the boner guys.

Nice c*cks.

Oh, you got that right, sexy.

Dude, you have serious issues.

Hey, naked people only!

(LAUGHING)

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Come on, sweetie. Let's finish this thing.

I'm standing at the finish

line of a very proud, but strange tradition

called the Naked Mile.

Ever year after exams

hundreds of students

run a mile through campus

in nothing more than their birthday suits.

(LAUGHING)

This is the greatest thing ever!

Hell, yeah!

I can't believe we did this!

Yeah! Naked Mile, baby!

Beta House f***ing rules!

Come on, marathon men.

Let's get ready for the party.

I did it. I really did it.

Way to go, Coz. That's my cousin.

DWIGHT:
Yeah, buddy!

Some people call it lewd behavior,

but the students say it's just

a good way to blow off steam.

And maybe,

find love.

This is Hal Michaels,

reporting from the Naked Mile.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Stifler has arrived!

(HOWLING)

Yeah! Yeah!

Holy sh*t! Is this even the same house?

I think I had a wet dream

that started like this.

It's those guys.

And ended like that.

Wow, taking those pills

might just be the best thing

you guys ever did for your social lives.

Oh, yeah.

You wanna dance?

Is my dick hard?

Of course the Cooze wants to dance.

(SCREAMS)

Are you gonna dance, sexy?

Or are you one of those

football players who's too cool to dance?

Oh, baby, they don't call me

the White Shadow for nothing.

Come on, cutie.

What a bastard.

I told you to call off

that stupid guilt-free pass.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Is there anything we can do for you?

No, I think I just want to be alone.

No way. We are not leaving you alone

so you can beat yourself up.

Yeah, but I told him to do it.

I mean, I can't get mad about it now.

Would you quit being so logical, Tracy?

We're girls.

Boys should know better

than to trust us to be rational.

It's not in our nature.

It's really not.

So, you are going to get dressed.

Then, we're going to Allison's party.

That will get your mind off of Erik.

I don't want to.

Well, you don't have a vote in this.

Now get dressed.

Check out our boy.

Think he's going to lose it tonight?

Nope. Bet he screws it up

and ends up jerking off in the bathroom.

I'll bet 20 bucks says he nails her.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, you're on.

Hey, hard-on brothers.

Do you guys have any idea how much

everybody here has been talking about you?

I was getting that feeling.

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