American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Page #7

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Yeah!

Okay, listen up, 'cause I got a plan

that's gonna make you guys legends.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Give a big Beta House welcome

to Ryan "Steel Rod" Grimm

and Mike "Everhard" Coozeman!

Yeah, Cooze!

(ALL CHEERING)

Tonight is the dawning of a new era

in meaningless male competition.

The Heavyweight Hard-On

Championship of the World!

For the first phase of the competition,

a bucket will be hung

on the dong of each of our contestants.

That bucket will be filled

with a pitcher of beer.

First person to drop the bucket is the loser.

(ALL BOOING)

So let the penis games begin!

Commence the pouring!

You like that?

Oh, yeah, baby!

(GROANING)

Oh, I am so sorry about that!

Still good.

Next competition.

The ring toss.

- Let's have it, girls.

- Come on.

That's right! On that penis!

Come on, baby, just like Six Flags.

Wrong head!

Ring around the cocksy.

You needed an extra inch on that one.

Can you believe this?

Do not let Cooze win.

Next competition!

I got a nine-inch strike zone, baby.

- You cocky prick.

- You can't miss it!

It's a hardball, son!

Hey, boner, boner, boner.

Swing, boner!

Deep center, baby!

Foul ball!

Bunt.

That is it. We're calling it a tie.

Your Co-Hard-on Champions of the World,

Ryan "Steel Rod" Grimm

and Mike "Everhard" Coozeman!

(ALL CHEERING)

Fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine...

Who's the f***in' champ, baby?

BROOKE:
Boys are a bad influence.

I mean, you have no idea

what he's doing or who he's doing it with.

This guilt-free pass thing?

Completely ridiculous.

The bottom line is this. You two will never be

on the same level again.

You're a virgin and he's not.

It's just not gonna work.

So, what?

I'm supposed to break up with him?

No, but you need to get back

on the same level.

You need to sleep with somebody. Tonight.

- Brooke.

- Shut up, Natalie.

It's the only way.

Imagine a month from now,

you decide to do it with Erik.

All you're going to be thinking is that he's

already had sex with some other girl.

The relationship will not be

equal unless you do this.

Oh, look. There's Trent.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Perfect.

Hey, cool. A pool table. Do you play?

Sometimes.

Well, what do you want to play?

I don't care.

Okay. Well, how about nine-ball?

Look, nine-ball.

It's... It's easy. You just have to get the balls

in order from one through nine.

I'll show you. I'll break right now.

You'll be good at it.

- Erik.

- Yeah.

(CRASHING)

Come here.

This is special to you, right?

I mean, this weekend, this night?

- Erik?

- Yes?

This is sex, not Shakespeare.

Are you sure you want to?

Because I doubt I'll be very good.

Don't worry.

I know how to handle guys like you.

Guys like me?

Virgins.

I can take care of virgins.

You mean, I'm not your first virgin?

I have a bit of a confession.

Some girls like blonds, some like muscles.

I like virgins.

Are you ready for a special night?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey there, beautiful.

Didn't expect to see you here tonight.

I came to apologize.

I heard about what happened,

and I wanted to let you know

that I didn't know anything about it.

You're not just here to set me up?

I would never want

to let anything happen to that gorgeous face.

You sure you're supposed

to be dancing on enemy territory like this?

I dance where I want, with who I want.

I like your style.

And your ass.

You know, I don't usually go for

suburban, jock, Abercrombie clones,

- but there is something about you.

- Yeah?

Well, I tend to have

that effect on pacifist, vegan bisexuals.

This guy's got good taste.

You sure you're up for this

after that little incident downstairs?

They don't call me "Everhard" because

I've only got one bullet in the chamber.

But just to be sure...

Should you be taking more of that?

More? I didn't take it the first time.

- You mean...

- That's right, baby.

We're gonna have a good time tonight.

Now get your worthless ass

on the bed, you peasant.

Excuse me?

I said, get on the bed

you worthless peasant!

What is your problem?

Whoa, what's that? What...

- Oh, God!

- I said, get on the bed,

and I meant it.

Oh, yeah, baby. I get it.

And I'm into it.

Shut up!

(SCREAMING)

All right! All right! All right!

Brandy.

Look, I can't do this. I'm really sorry, okay?

I mean, you're really gorgeous

and really cool,

and I'm sure that every single

guy on this planet

would love to sleep with you, including me.

But I just can't.

I'm in love.

I hope this girl knows how lucky she is.

I seriously doubt that.

Got to say it again. It's a very nice surprise.

What can I say? I'm full of them.

So, what about Erik?

We're on a weekend guilt-free pass.

We can do anything we want.

Anything?

Anything.

I like the sound of that.

Is this your room?

Why, yes, it is, my diminutive goddess.

Good, because we are going to need

a little bit of privacy.

(MOANING)

That's it, you pathetic slave. Keep doing that.

Don't you think this is

getting a little out of hand?

Oh, you haven't even seen

"out of hand" yet.

I didn't mean we had to stop.

Oh, we're not stopping.

We're just getting started.

You ready to get kinky?

Whoa, this isn't kinky yet?

Not even close.

What is that noise?

(MOANING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

What the hell?

You got to be kidding me.

(HORSE SNUFFLING)

So, you wanna go upstairs?

Yeah, I do.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(PANTING)

Hi, Mr. Sterling. Is Tracy home?

Hello, Erik. No, she's not.

She's gone to a party

with Brooke and Natalie.

Oh.

Okay. Well, sorry to disturb you, then.

Have a good night!

Crazy little f***er.

We gotta find Tracy. We gotta find Tracy.

We gotta find Tracy.

Where the f*** is Tracy?

I don't think sex has to be just one-on-one.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

What the hell?

Tracy!

Hey!

Trace!

What the hell are you doing here?

And on a horse!

Where's Tracy? I have to see her.

We think it's best if you just leave her alone.

What? Why?

Because we know about

your little sorority slut.

- What are you talking about?

- She saw you kiss that girl on TV.

Sh*t. Wait a second. So what?

I was on a guilt-free pass.

Wake up, Erik. There is no such thing.

Where is Tracy?

Oh, we gave Tracy a guilt-free pass,

and she's using it right now.

Tracy! Trace!

Hey, hey. Tracy Sterling.

Have you seen her?

I think she went upstairs with Trent a little...

Tracy!

Tracy.

(WOMAN MOANING)

Trace, can you hear me? Are you in there?

Trace, if you can hear me, I am sorry.

I am really sorry about everything, okay?

I know you gave me this pass,

but I didn't use it.

I mean I did use it,

but it was only for a few seconds.

I couldn't go through with it,

so I came here looking for you, okay?

Look, I don't care about the sex.

I really don't.

It's not the most important thing. You are.

Trace, I love you.

Can you hear me? I love you!

Do you mind? I'm trying to get laid here.

TRACY:
You rode

a horse for me?

When I heard her, I thought...

I couldn't do it, either.

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