American Pie Presents: The Book of Love

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MAN 1 ON COMPUTER: Mistress,

spank my bottom. Spank it really hard!

Please, spank my bottom!

- That is unpleasant.

- Spank it really hard.

WOMAN ON COMPUTER: Lick my nipples.

No, thank you, pregnant lady.

MAN 2 ON COMPUTER: Strip, soldier!

You're gonna find out

why they call me the drill sergeant.

(WHIP CRACKS)

(SIGHS)

That's... That's nice, baby.

No, Frizzy! No!

(GROANING)

(GASPING)

No, no, no, Frizzy! No!

Frizzy.

(PHONE BEEPS)

No, no, no, wait! Cody! No.

ROB ON PHONE:
No, no, no, Frizzy! No!

Don't worry about it, man.

Everyone's got a sex tape.

Please.

Yeah, except they're having sex with people.

- (GRO ANING) Frizzy.

- Right.

It's not technically incest

if your family member's a different species.

So, are you getting close with Dana yet?

The rumours are true. She's taken the pledge.

No sex? She was your sure thing.

- Faith-camp propaganda, man.

- NATHAN:
She's waiting until marriage.

I thought she had sex with six guys.

What?

Get to class.

No cell phones in the hall, Alyson.

You can pick this up from my office

today after school.

No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy!

Well, I've seen worse.

No, no, no, Frizzy! No!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Miss Johnson. Lunch today?

I'll have to check my calendar, perv... Pete.

No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy!

Look. Look. Look at that.

No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy!

(CHEERLEADER EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

- Hey, just ignore them.

- Oh, God. You saw it, too?

- Just so you know, it's not at all...

- Hey, don't worry about it.

Frizzy's a good-looking dog.

So, do you wanna do it? Are we on?

Rob? Rob? Are we on for seventh period?

Yeah. I... I'll...

- I'll meet you over there.

- Okay.

- Doggy style!

- Hey, Stifler.

Is that your girlfriend?

No, we're just... We're just... We're friends.

Just friends? How sweet.

Well, she seems awful ripe.

If you don't pick the fruit, I will.

STIFLER:
Hey, beautiful.

STIFLER:
Wow!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

CHARLES ON PA:
Good morning,

East Great Falls Blazers.

Don't forget about the big game

against Central this week

and the Aloha Dance this Friday

from 7:
00 to midnight.

Hawaiian shirts and leis

are recommended for entrance.

(CHARLES GIGGLES)

- PRINCIPAL ON PA: Charles, knock that off.

- Sorry.

(MR O'DONNELL CLEARS THROAT)

Let's focus on the quiz, please.

Douche bag.

I'm serious about this pledge, you know.

I know.

- So just dancing tonight.

- Yeah. Just dancing.

The horizontal hula.

Nathan.

Poor Nathan.

His willy must be hard enough

to cut glass by now.

Nathan loves me, and Nathan respects me.

Okay. A, a guy never respects a girl

enough to give up sex.

And, B, well, what about you?

You must be feeling

pretty randy by now, Dana.

Okay, well, yeah, maybe, like, the tiniest bit,

but I really feel like I'm connecting

with the higher power here.

Yes, I know, and that is totally fab,

but I know I couldn't do it.

I'm way too into giving blow jobs.

Ask Richard.

Hey, don't listen to lmogen, okay?

Sex is a really big deal,

and if you feel like you're not ready,

then I think you should wait.

DANA:
But...

No offence, Heidi, but you have no idea

what you're talking about.

Text me later.

- Hey, Rob.

- ROB:
Yeah?

- Can I ask you something?

- Sure. What's up?

Well, it's kind of personal.

Okay.

I've been thinking.

You know I'm a virgin, right?

It's just... I don't know.

Everyone's already done it

like a million times already,

and I know I don't have a boyfriend

or whatever, but...

But sometimes I feel like I should just

get it over with.

You know? I mean,

just get past this whole thing, this virgin.

What does that even mean, anyway?

So I've never had a penis in my vagina,

but so what?

Why do I have to label everything?

Like, "She's too innocent.

"She can't handle it." I'm not that innocent.

I've seen Showgirls and Blue Lagoon.

Anyways, I think I've decided to just do it.

But what do you think?

Yeah. I think you should definitely

go ahead and get it over with.

(LAUGHS) Thanks.

Let's get back to work.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHOOPS)

Stifcam coming at you live

from the Aloha Dance

here at the East Great Falls...

This chick just grabbed my ass.

She wants to play

the Stifmeister's flute skin.

Let go find some of that

sweet-looking pinoche, Gibbsy.

Hey, check it out. There's Heidi.

LUBE:
All right, all right.

She looks highly doable.

All right, so what's the game plan here?

I don't know. Ask her to dance, I guess.

You need a plan, all right?

It's all about establishing your intentions.

See, right now,

she thinks of you as just a friend.

You need to break that paradigm.

Remember, friends don't let friends

just be friends.

- Right.

- I'm serious. You cannot puss out here.

All right, take it easy.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Wait. Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Here, don't forget these.

You only need those when you're alone.

Right. Right. Okay.

- (EXCLAIMS) Okay!

- What? What's wrong?

I can't.

- But it's only second base.

- I know. But if we go there,

then we're gonna wanna go further.

But Adam and Eve did it.

(GASPS)

I'm sorry. Hey, hey.

I love you. Do you know that?

Come here.

Is God okay with a blow job?

(GASPS)

I thought you understood

how I felt about this.

I told you, it's important for me

to save myself until marriage.

You've had sex with seven guys.

(GASPING)

And it was six, not seven!

Well, one was a black guy,

so he counts as two.

Dana.

- Dana, come on.

- F*** off.

Dana. Come on, Dana. Dana!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, girls.

This is gonna be for Sit-on-my-face-book.

I need you to kiss one time, okay?

I don't know.

Come on.

It's gonna be seen by millions of people.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

(BOYS CHEERING)

Okay, we're gonna go again,

but this time,

sneak in some tongue for daddy.

Okay.

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

That's what I'm talking about, baby!

(BOYS CHEERING)

Stifmeister strikes again!

Dude.

You're gonna love this. Check this out.

Yeah. So?

Watch and learn.

"You're hot.

"Give me your number

and let's get together."

I throw this at a hot girl,

and she's so impressed

that I'm literally throwing around a Benjamin

that she wants to hook up with me.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

- I'm gonna go find Dana.

- All right, man.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Watch out. Coming through.

(DANCE SONG PLAYING)

So, I was thinking about what

we were talking about, you know, before.

- Yeah. Yeah, I remember.

- Right. So I was thinking, why wait?

Right? I mean, you might as well,

you know, get it over with.

What? Like, here? At the dance?

Well, there's always the library.

- Yeah, the library.

- I'm kidding.

- Yeah. I know.

- But seriously, after the dance,

I don't know if you...

- What are you doing?

- Looking for my money.

- C-note thing?

- Yeah.

- Lose your money?

- Shut up.

Ooh.

And we're back. What's up, dude?

Where's Heidi?

I don't know.

- She was here a second ago.

- Maybe she went to the bathroom.

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