American Pie Presents: The Book of Love Page #2

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- Yeah, maybe.

- Dana's pissed at me.

Dude, you gotta play along

with this whole pledge thing.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You haven't exactly

broken the seal yet, either.

Dude, I've been getting to third base

on a regular basis.

I can't go back to jacking off now.

Dude, just use your left hand.

It feels completely different.

- I'm gonna go find Heidi.

- I'm gonna go find Dana.

BOY:
(LAUGHS) No! Dude,

you're gonna make me hurl.

Heidi?

LUBE:
No, no, no, no!

Wait.

Dude, yo.

(LAUGHS) Sluts.

(FARTING)

What the hell?

(LUBE GRUNTS)

Relax, dude.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Get off me, you freak!

Hey, a hundred bucks!

What are you doing?

Rob? You said...

Rob!

(EXCLAIMS)

Dude, nice cock block.

(SHRIEKS)

I'm on fire.

- I'm on fire.

- Oh, my God.

There's a fire. There's a fire, and it's on me.

Oh, my God.

HEIDl:
Rob! Rob! Put it out. Take off

your pants! Take off... Take your pants off!

Oh, God!

(SHRIEKS) Come on!

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hurry, Rob, come on.

Get it out! Get it out!

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, God.

What the hell is going on in here?

Two months seems like an awfully long time

for Saturday detention.

We're supposed to clean up the library.

Do you guys know where the vacuum is?

Nope.

What were you doing in the library anyway?

I wasn't doing anything.

Heidi was already in there.

- I was just looking for her.

- I heard she was blowing some dude.

Cody! Well, I don't know

how you're gonna go on the school ski trip

if you're still on detention.

Mom, I don't see what that has to do with it.

I didn't do anything.

I heard you were the fluffer.

- Cody.

- Look. His lips are chapped.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, we'll see.

All right. I have to go get ready.

Maybe it's in the garage.

Rob? I wanna have a little chat with you.

Do we have to?

Honey, I know that you're growing older,

and I don't know what your father

has told you about things,

but I think it's important to discuss

everything, you know?

Like about sex.

- Are you having sex?

- Mom, I don't wanna talk about this.

No, well, it's just that I found

this sock in the laundry, and, well...

Oh, God, Mom. Put that away.

And, also,

somebody sent me a link to this video.

ROB:
No, no, no, Frizzy! No.

- Mom, just turn it off!

- I don't know how!

Your brother made it my start-up screen.

- Okay, I can... I can fix that.

- You can? Great.

- Yeah.

- Thanks.

- No, no, no, Frizzy! No!

- Thank you for that.

- Okay.

- And we're done. Right? Yeah.

Well, honey, please.

There's no reason to be ashamed.

Masturbation is perfectly natural.

I mean, boys your age

are maybe into experimentation

and trying new things with animals.

I mean, Frizzy, she's been in our family for...

Since she was a puppy...

(STAMMERS) Hey, I'm late.

- You're tardy.

- Sorry.

You can start by cleaning off

all the damaged books

and separating the ruined ones.

I'll be checking on you.

Heidi. Look, about last night...

I don't wanna talk about it.

- Well, I just wanted to tell you...

- Rob.

I'm gonna go empty this bucket.

Do you have any idea what I found here?

- This is the bible.

- I thought that was an urban legend.

No. This is real. This goes back decades.

Okay. So what?

This is exactly what we need

to finally get laid.

How is this thing gonna help us get laid?

It's ruined.

You can't even read most of it.

This book has helped one lucky guy

each year at Great Falls.

And this year, that lucky guy is us.

Even with the damage, it still has

a ton of useful stuff. Check this out.

"February 1st, 1977. The G-spot."

- I can dig it.

- LUBE:
What else you got?

"1991. How to shave your pubes

to make your dick look bigger."

Dad showed me that one.

"2003. I just had

the most amazing sexual experience."

Something I can't read.

"She used a breath mint."

A breath mint? For what?

You moron. You stick it up your tailpipe and

the minty-ness makes your a**hole twitch.

Everyone knows that.

Dude, I don't know. This sounds pretty weak.

Plus, I mean, we can find most of this stuff

on the internet anyway.

No, this is different.

This has personal experiences.

Plus, it's custom-tailored to Great Falls girls.

Since when does punani have a zip code?

What have we got to lose? Nathan,

you've been working on Dana for, what?

Like six months? Only to find out that

she loves the Lord more than sex?

And, Lube, how have all your schemes

to get laid been working out so far?

Minus $100.

Exactly, and me, well, I've been wasting

all my time on some fantasy that someday

Heidi's gonna fall madly in love with me.

Face it, guys, we need help.

And this is it, staring us right in the face.

- I'm in.

- All right.

I'm in.

- Yeah.

- Yes.

(ALL WHOOPING)

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Hey, easy. Guys, it's old.

"May 1st, 1990.

"The simplest way into a girl's pants

is still basic flattery."

That's it? Just flatter her?

- That's it.

- Well, think about it.

How many times do you actually do it?

Walk up to a girl and say,

"Wow, you have beautiful eyes."

Like, never. It's telling us the only proven

way to get women is to be an a**hole,

'cause the guys that actually spew

that kind of crap get laid.

Check it out. Twelve o'clock.

(NATHAN EXCLAIMS)

(CHATTERING)

(WHISTLES)

- All right. Let's put this bible to a test.

- Yes.

- You go talk to her.

- I'm not trying it out on Ashley.

Why don't you go talk to her,

'cause you're the one who likes her?

- I'm eating.

- Okay. I'll do it.

Hey, Ashley.

Hey, Rob. Shopping for your girlfriend?

No... This is... It's for my mom.

She's dating again.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Well, you know, I...

Actually, I wanted to say,

you know,

you have the most gorgeous teeth.

Hey. Come with me.

Jealous? He's making a move

on your lady friend.

Unlike you, I don't mind sharing my women.

(LAUGHS) And what are

you wankers up to today?

- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Cheerio.

- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hello, love.

Word to your mumsie.

Just waiting for some ladies

to join us, in fact.

You nancy boys couldn't get laid

at a Jonas Brothers concert

with a fistful of backstage passes. Cheerio.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT)

Was that a slam?

(IN NORMAL ACCENT)

You bet your bollocks.

- Hold this.

- Yeah.

How does this look?

Great, I'll take it.

Stand up.

Wait, what... What's... Wait, hold... Hold on.

Oh.

(GROANS)

(GASPING)

Should I call you?

Just walk out of the store

and meet me at the food court.

Act natural.

(INAUDIBLE)

Can I help you?

No. No. I'm... I'm just browsing.

Okay, then.

- Have a nice day.

- You, too.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

I'm sorry! I wasn't stealing.

It was a... It was a prank.

I am so sorry.

I think we left the tags on your garments.

Please come back to the register.

We'll figure this out. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, I... I got excited.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(WHISPERS)

That'll be 149.90.

- How much?

- 149.90.

But they're so small.

- Madeleine?

- It's my mom. I'm... I have a note.

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