American Pie Presents: The Book of Love Page #3

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(LAUGHS)

- Thank you.

- Have a nice day.

Come again.

What took you so long? Did you get it?

Sure did. I even stole you a bag so

you don't have to touch it till you get home.

Great. Thanks.

Hey. What's up, Ashley?

What are you pillow biters doing here?

Stifler.

Don't eat that. You're gonna get fat.

I'm super horny.

Wanna suck me off in the Sharper lmage?

Okay.

(GIGGLING)

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING)

(WHISPERING) Dana.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Didn't mean to disrupt the...

This morning's mass.

(WHISPERING) What are you doing here?

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Did you really think that

this is the best time to discuss this?

Well, you weren't answering any of my texts.

(SHUSHING)

- I'll be right back, okay?

- (WHISPERING) Okay.

PRIEST ON PA:
What is faith?

When you flip the light switch

in your kitchen,

you know that the light will turn on.

Some might call that faith, but I tell you,

that is not the real faith.

Okay, so what is so important that

you needed to come and interrupt church?

I don't really get why

you're so mad at me right now.

Because you don't respect me.

This is all just a big joke to you.

You know what? You're right,

because this is just another phase for you.

Just like your little stint on yearbook.

You stuck with that for, what,

two weeks before you got bored with it?

Why is it so hard for you to believe

that I wanna

(ON PA) wait until marriage?

NATHAN ON PA:

Because you slept with Doug Wheeler

and Scott Thompson on the same night.

DANA:
That doesn't count. I was drunk.

(WHISPERING) Is that Dana?

As soon as you get bored

with this whole pledge thing,

you're just gonna jump right back

in the saddle again.

And when you get to college,

don't even tell me

that you won't be experimenting

with the standard lesbian hookups,

having three-ways, trying anal.

(ALL GASPING)

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

That's what I'm talking...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Fine. Just relax.

- Do something!

- PRIEST:
Faith is...

- She's your daughter.

- Go!

PRIEST:
Faith is the rock-solid...

DANA:
You don't think I'm committed to this?

My parents waited until marriage.

NATHAN:
(LAUGHS) My dad

went to high school with your mom.

He said she blew the whole football team

and had to have her stomach pumped.

(ALL GASPING)

DANA:
Don't be gross, okay?

Plus, your dad was a Beta.

Those guys are notorious poon slayers.

F*** it! This is bullshit!

(PEOPLE MUTTERING)

You know you want this.

Did we miss communion?

(STUDENTS CHEERING)

COMMENTATOR 1 ON PA:

Been a rough go for the

East Great Falls Blazers in this game...

CHEERLEADERS:

Go, Blazers!

... which is surprising, since this is

the last home game of the season.

You'd think they'd really

pump up the power there.

Look at him! Watch that guy! Watch that guy!

Even though it's close to a tie,

we were hoping for better defence from the...

Oh, my gosh, wait.

So, what did your dad say?

He said if he ever sees Nathan

within 100 feet of me,

he's gonna castrate him

with a rusty Garden Weasel.

Oh, no. So what?

Is it over between you guys or what?

I don't know.

Well, if you ever want to try a mnage,

you're welcome to join Richard and me.

- No.

- No.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Please don't say

"young boy" around Coach Daly.

COMMENTATOR 2 ON PA:

Yeah, out here he's...

- What about you, missy?

- What?

How's your sex life?

You guys, I'm gonna go through with it.

I am. I am.

You're so boring.

I would've thought you'd be fielding offers

after your striptease in the library.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm still just waiting for the right time.

CHEERLEADERS:
Blue and white,

let's go, fight, win. Let's go, fight, win.

Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Blazers!

Fight, win.

Blue and white, let's go, fight, win.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

I think that is quite enough pictures

of the cheerleaders.

How about we get some of the game?

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(GRUNTS)

As you were.

Douche bag.

CHEERLEADERS:
Blue and white...

COMMENTATOR 1:

Shearson's bringing the ball up court.

He passes it off to Scott Stifler.

(STUDENTS EXCLAIM)

Central takes a charge from Shearson.

Time out, Blazers.

What are we gonna do now, Bill?

COMMENTATOR 2:

Ten seconds in the game.

I think these guys

really need to get their act...

Get your head in the game, doggy style.

You can finish your wet dream later.

- I'm sorry.

- This is it for this game.

Hey, Scott? Can I talk to you for a sec?

- Are you nuts? I'm in the middle of a game.

- Last home game of the season.

(GIGGLES)

Really gotta get their act together.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Tie game, 89 all, 3.9 seconds left.

Let's see what's gonna happen here.

- Central's got the ball.

- CHEERLEADERS:
Go, Blazers!

They have the advantage.

Looks like... Double screen!

Shearson gets the ball.

He passes it to Scott Stifler. It's good! It's in!

(BUZZER BUZZING)

The game's over.

91-89 for East Great Falls Blazers.

This is incredible, folks!

This means we're going on to the playoffs!

Unbelievable! It's exciting.

What a chain of events

that has occurred here today!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Honey, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, sure.

Is... Is that a Bible?

What? No. No, it's...

Well, honey, it's okay to read the Bible.

I mean, gosh, you act like

I caught you reading pornography.

(FORCED LAUGH)

What did you wanna talk about?

Well, I just got

my credit card statement and...

And here on your card

there's a charge here for a lingerie store.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm gonna pay you back for that, Mom.

Is there a girl you're seeing?

No. Mom, it's complicated.

- Did you buy something for yourself?

- No!

Because it's a very normal area

of exploration.

My book says that most fetishes are not

homosexual in nature,

and, well, you know, boys, they tend to...

Yes, Mom, that's it. You figured it out.

I love wearing women's underwear.

Thongs, G-strings,

a little teddy now and then.

It's so soft and silky smooth.

The frillier the better.

Sexy.

Oh, God! Come on.

Gotcha.

(HUMMING)

(HISSING)

So it was for a girl.

Yeah, Mom.

Great.

So, you know that thing

you told me before the dance?

Yeah.

Right, well,

I was thinking about that conversation.

So, what about it?

I was just thinking, you know,

maybe you should wait.

I know. You know, I've thought about it, too,

but I still feel like

I'm making this whole thing

into, like, this huge deal. I mean,

it's consuming my every thought.

(SIGHS)

I don't know, Rob.

I still feel like it's best

if I just get it over with.

Yeah. I can see that.

ROB ON PHONE:
You figured it out.

I love wearing women's underwear.

Thongs, G-strings,

a little teddy now and then.

It's so soft and silky smooth.

The frillier the better.

What is up with this crap, butt nugget?

That was taken completely out of context.

All right? I was being facetious.

That means he wasn't being serious.

I know what facetious means, dick face.

Are you trying to repel

all the p*ssy in school?

- No...

- Tick tock, doggy boy.

You cock is on the clock.

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