American Pie Presents: The Book of Love Page #4

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Excuse me. Take notes.

- Hey, lmogen.

- Stifler.

The word for the day is "legs."

So?

So, why don't we go back to my place

and spread the word?

Well, how about you save your breath?

You're gonna need it

to inflate your date later.

Gentlemen, it is time we got laid.

Really? And what is it

we've been trying to do all this time?

No, no. We need to get laid.

Right here. September 9th, 1995.

Can you give us the executive summary?

No, not that. This.

LUBE:
We are going on a road trip.

How long do you intend

on staying in Canada?

Just a couple of hours.

What's the nature of your visit?

We've driven many miles

in search of vertical smiles.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

We use kilometres here.

Then we've driven many clicks

to wet our d*cks?

LUBE:
Yes!

ROB:
Yeah!

- That works, right?

- Bye-bye.

(LAUGHS)

F***ing Americans.

(BOYS CHEERING)

You know, the exchange rate on the dollar

is really gonna help us out.

Yeah.

Okay, up ahead, turn right.

- You sure?

- Yes. Turn right.

Okay, boys. Let's do this.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Come on, you p*ssy. Let's get laid.

The bible says to ask for Monique.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Hi. Are you Monique?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) No, moi, no, no, no.

Mais, Monique, she is inside.

Come. Come, boys.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(POP SONG PLAYING)

Boys, entrez chez nous.

C'est magnifique, no? I will get Monique.

She will be so happy to see you.

In the meantime, make yourselves at home.

(EXCLAIMS)

Jesus, tits. We came to the right place.

Is that a moose?

Condom?

Why, thank you.

Gentlemen.

Thank you.

Very much.

Thank you.

LUBE:
Can't wait to see Monique.

(DOOR OPENING)

(ALL GASP)

(STAMMERING) We're here to see Monique.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I am Monique.

Well, that's... That's okay.

Come, come. I make you a nice drink.

(BONE CRACKS)

(GRUNTING)

Could you just give us just one minute?

Okay. Let's go.

(STAMMERING)

Let's just talk about this for a second here.

- Yeah, I mean, it can't be that bad, right?

- Are you insane?

Listen, I put a lot of mileage on my mom's

minivan coming all the way up here.

The bible says she's got a lot of experience.

- This could be very educational for all of us.

- Really?

- He's up.

- No, no. Why am I first?

NATHAN:
It was your idea.

Don't... Don't insult Monique.

She has an entire chapter in the bible.

Come on, you're going to have a nice time.

LUBE:
(LAUGHS)

You two crazy kids have fun.

(WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

And welcome.

So... So, how does this work?

Am I supposed to pay you?

No, no, no. Not yet.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHS)

I see.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(UNZIPPING PANTS)

(MOANING)

(MOANING)

You've got one active imagination, boy.

(GASPS)

How long was I out?

Only about eight seconds that time.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BONE CRACKING)

(GROANS)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No. No, no, no.

Yes. Yes.

(MOANING)

(ROB MOANING LOUDLY)

ROB:
Monique! That's really nice.

(CLACKING)

ROB:
That's it.

I'm so sorry. I usually last a lot longer.

Hey.

Hey, was I supposed to

tap you on the shoulder or something?

Oh, no. No.

Help! Help! Help, help, help!

NATHAN:
Go, go, go! Go!

LUBE:
I'm coming!

- Jesus. Dude.

- Oh, God!

What, do you need an audience?

No, no. Wait, guys. I think she's dead!

Excuse me?

Oh, my God. This is not good.

I can't get her off.

I think she had a heart attack.

Help! She's got lockjaw. Get her off of me!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- It's lockjaw.

Lockjaw! Lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw,

lockjaw, lockjaw!

- Okay.

- Get her off!

(ALL CLAMOURING)

I'm sorry!

(SCREAMING)

Phone. Phone. Wait. Clear!

Sh*t. What am I doing?

Clear, clear!

(SCREAMING)

Okay. Come down here.

Grab her legs. One, two, three.

Forget it. It's totally screwed up. Oh, God.

(DOOR OPENING)

(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

What you do to maman?

(SHRIEKS)

(BOYS SCREAMING)

(CRYING) Maman! You killed maman!

You killed maman!

(ROARING)

F***ing Americans! Come back here.

I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you cowards!

ROB:
I killed her.

I killed her with my sperm!

Hey, man, when it's your time to go,

it's your time to go. She led a full life.

How do you know that?

Man, what do you want me to say?

You're the one that murdered her!

I can't believe that was the woman

the bible said we should have sex with.

Right here. "September 9th, 1995."

Let me see that.

No. No, that's a seven!

That's 1975. It's from the '70s.

- I thought it was a nine.

- NATHAN:
Shut up! Shut up!

- I didn't do anything!

- Shut up! Just shut up! I wanna go home.

I don't wanna be here.

(THUDS)

Oh, my God! I just hit a squirrel.

LUBE:
Well, that went well.

ROB:
Guys, I think it's time

we try my interpretation.

Look, Nathan, you've been trying to

convince Dana to sleep with you,

instead of just listening to her.

Right, you know?

Trying to see things from her point of view?

Showing just...

Just a little respect.

And you, you're still trying

to trick women into sleeping with you,

instead of just being honest.

And you're still too much of a p*ssy

to tell Heidi you're into her.

You going to Stifler's house tonight?

Yeah. I'll probably go with Dana.

So any luck losing that thing you were

trying to get rid of?

- Rob.

- I'm just asking.

Maybe you should mind your own business.

What's with you today?

I wanna tell you something that

I've been wanting to say for a long time.

Okay.

I really like you.

I really like you, too.

No, not like that. I really like you.

Oh.

- Rob...

- I think you're great.

You have a great personality.

I laugh at all your jokes. You're pretty.

Oh, God, you're pretty. You even smell great.

I don't know. I'm just...

I'm happy when I'm around you.

Now, I don't know if you feel the same way,

but if you do...

Let's not waste any more time. Right?

Let's just

see where our feelings take us.

I feel the same way.

- You do?

- Yes.

This is great.

Why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you?

(LAUGHING)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

It's about that time, so I gotta go.

But I'll see you tonight?

Yes.

- DANA:
Dad?

- Mmm-hmm?

There she is.

(GASPING) They saw me!

Get down! Get down!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh.

- Drive. Drive.

It's cool. It's cool.

Nathan, look, I've been thinking.

Maybe I've been too hard on you.

You have?

You obviously love my daughter,

and you two should be together.

- We should?

- Absolutely.

Honey, it is not right

to give a man blue balls.

If you want boys to like you, you gotta

put out. Here, start with Nathan's friend.

This is so not cool.

I mean, fantasising about

your best friend's girlfriend?

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

- Dad! Stop! Stop.

- Fucknut!

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, girls.

- Party looks good.

- Yeah.

Uh-huh.

All right, listen to me. Stay focused.

Be honest, show respect

and just say whatever's on your mind.

Stop, jerk.

I can't even get near Dana.

She'll be here. She's coming with Heidi.

Just try and think of things

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