American Pie Presents: The Book of Love Page #5

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from her point of view.

Yeah, and I might as well just crack

the Da Vinci Code while I'm at it.

Just get her some frankincense and myrrh.

That's a great idea.

I'll just pick up some roofies for you

while I'm out.

You need a prescription for that,

from what I hear.

Lube, pay attention. This applies to you, too.

All right.

Let's try to go in there and just be real.

All right, Oprah.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOY EXCLAIMING)

So, here is my sister getting undressed.

And this one is my cousin in the shower.

She's hot, huh?

And this one is

my grandma masturbating. Yeah?

I love Grandma's work.

(LAUGHING)

So, anyway, every time I'm in the hardware

store and I pass by the stud-finder station,

they always go off.

(MOCK LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

F***!

(SHUDDERING)

(RETCHING)

Hey. Isn't that that chick from Central?

Yeah.

Hey, Stifler.

Oh, hey, there...

Katie.

Katie, right. I knew that.

Just having some fun with you.

Can I talk to you for a second,

like, in private?

Yeah, sure, you know what?

Let me just grab another beer

and I'll be right back with you.

Don't you flake on me.

Dude, you been working out?

Didn't think so.

You two, stay amazing. My God.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, what's up, beautiful?

You know, I got so drunk last weekend

that I nailed my cock to a table,

then set it on fire.

Wanna check it out?

The table or your cock?

God, I love that accent.

Could you do me a favour and just say,

"Spank me, Stifler.

Spank me wee little bum."

How did you know I like to be spanked?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Awesome!

So where's this boyfriend Richard you keep

talking about non-stop all the time?

He doesn't attend high-school parties.

Sounds like you might be in the market

for some home-grown American beef.

Sorry, I'm vegan.

Cheers.

What if I use a cucumber?

Jackie, Sarah, and Krissi with an "I,"

here's how the game works.

Every time you get a question wrong,

you get to pop your top.

- Hey, I've played this game before.

- Krissi,

do you believe that new drugs should be

tested on Animal Crackers?

Absolutely not. Wait...

(IMITATING GAME SHOW BUZZER)

Poppy toppy! If only you listened better.

All right, boys. Tonight's the night.

Wish me luck.

Good luck, buddy.

Good luck, dude.

Tonight, you become a man.

That's it. Tonight, I'm getting laid!

- Yeah, buddy! Yes!

- Yeah, buddy.

- Yes!

- Right here.

Just give it to her nice and slow at first.

Then speed her up.

Dana!

Dana!

Yeah!

(WHOOPS)

Sarah, have you ever made out

with a thespian?

- What?

- Sorry.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

- I can't find Heidi anywhere.

- Maybe she didn't come.

No, no. Her car is outside.

How you making out?

Check it out.

Don't you think maybe Ashley's

just a little bit out of your league?

I don't know. I'm just saying, you know,

you've been at it for years.

Maybe it's just not in the cards for you.

I'm a man of refinement.

Why settle for a six

when you can get a perfect 10?

Okay, whatever you say, man. Good luck.

Right. I'm gonna do it.

Hey, what's up, Ashley?

Hey, Lube.

You want a beer?

Got a beer.

Right.

So...

You obviously know that I'm,

like, totally into you. Right?

Yeah. I've seen the shrine.

(LAUGHS)

All right.

Okay, so I'm just gonna be honest with you.

I'm just gonna lay it out on the line.

No tricks, no hidden agenda at all.

I happen to be a sensitive and expert lover.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

I can guarantee that I will satisfy you

in every way possible,

and I shall not stop until I'm certain

that you are completely happy

with my endeavours.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Look, that was a really interesting speech,

and I don't really wanna embarrass you

in front of everyone, but...

But it's not gonna happen.

I mean, I think that you're,

like, really super cool,

and you're really funny in class

and everything,

but I don't wanna have sex with you.

Okay?

Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay.

- So are we cool?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna go get another beer.

Do you want one?

No, no. I'm... I'm good. I'm good.

- Hey.

- Hey.

(CLEARS THROAT) What you said just now?

Yeah?

Was that true?

Guaranteed satisfaction and you won't stop

until a girl is completely satisfied?

Yeah.

All right. Well, what the hell.

Meet me upstairs

in the first bedroom to the left.

(LAUGHS)

NATHAN:
The truth is, yes,

I was trying to pressure you,

because I really, really wanna have sex.

But I really wanna have sex with you.

And, also, I mean, with us,

hooking up has always been about me.

I wanna forget myself for once

and try to make you feel good for a change.

Like, maybe try and make you feel

the way that you make me feel.

So Stifler tells me

you're a foreign exchange student.

Ja, ja.

My cousin, Nadia, was student here

at East Great Falls 10 years ago.

Not Nadia, Nadia.

Ja, ja.

You mean the Nadia? The legendarily hot...

I mean, really academically gifted Nadia?

Ja, ja.

Well, how do I know for sure?

(GASPING)

You are Nadia's cousin.

Oh!

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh.

You shouldn't... You shouldn't...

It's my phone.

Don't read my phone.

What's this supposed to mean?

"Give her a dose of manthrax"?

Well, I don't... What does that...

I don't know what that...

Do you know what that means?

"I'm getting laid"?

You're advertising this

before it even happens?

- No.

- Wow.

You must be some special kind of a**hole.

No. No, no, no! No. I didn't... It was...

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

Later, loser.

Faster. Okay. Now, slower. Yes, yes.

Slower. Tickle the bunny. Yes, yes.

Oh, God, the man in the boat is out.

Paddle, paddle, do the alphabet. Swirl.

Back to the bunny. That's it.

Okay. Now, more to the left.

More to the left!

- My left or your left?

- My left, my left, my left!

All right.

Hey, have you seen Heidi?

Thanks.

Hey, Rob.

Heidi?

Hey, doggy style.

I told you, you snooze, you lose.

So unless you want mop-up duty,

close the door, pervert.

(STIFLER GIGGLES)

STIFLER:
Hey, where are you going?

This was a horrible idea.

Rob? Excuse me.

Excuse me. Rob. Rob.

- Go away.

- I didn't. I...

I don't wanna see your face right now.

Rob.

(GASPING)

(LAUGHS)

Whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

What happened to forgetting about yourself

and making me feel good?

But I thought I just...

What? You thought that what, Nathan?

That you could just pretend that you cared

about my feelings and my pledge

and then just go

and try again when my guard was down?

No. You don't get it. I...

No. No, you're the one

that's not gonna get it.

Dude, you need to slow down.

Yeah, seriously. Let's just go home.

You, sir...

You, sir, were right about the bible.

Because a**holes get laid!

(BOYS CHEERING)

Yes.

No. No, no, dude. You were right.

- There's something to it.

- What are you talking about?

We tried the nice guy thing

and I believe we're all still virgins.

Well, the nice guy vibe got me

past the bouncer, man.

Hey.

Well, gentlemen, you failed,

and the proof, as they say, is in the Jell-o.

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