American Pie Presents: The Book of Love Page #6

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So I will see you later, nice guys.

- Hey.

- Hey.

I know you want me.

I'm gonna let you take me upstairs

and do me right now.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Kiss me.

STIFLER:
Y'all ready for some pain?

Hey, ladies.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

GIRL:
Oh, my God.

STIFLER:
Oh, my God!

Look at those taters!

Do me from behind.

What?

I thought you liked it doggy style.

ROB:
Huh?

What are you doing back there? Let's go.

You're not putting your dick in that,

are you?

(SCREAMS)

Are you kidding me? Gross.

(THUDS)

(GROANS)

Here. This'll help.

Thanks.

Honey, I know that I can't stop you

from doing certain things,

but I can insist that you are safe.

Did you drink and drive?

No. John Costello drove me home.

Well, I want you to know that if

you find yourself in any carnal situation,

that you... You will use protection.

What do you mean by carnal?

This.

(GROANS)

GIRL:
Are you kidding me? Gross.

Is there no such thing as privacy any more?

I will tell your father that

you're just not up to seeing him today.

You're not feeling well.

Thanks.

How was she?

- How was who?

- Vomit girl.

How do you know about that?

Who do you think is forwarding

all those videos to Mom?

ROB:
I'm ready to give up.

I thought I had the answers.

It's too bad that 99% of the bible's

completely unreadable.

That's it.

We need to reconstruct the bible.

Why?

The secrets are in there.

I mean, there's no one single answer

to getting laid.

Right? We need the whole book

to understand.

Probably has a lot of crap in there

that we need to know, too,

like positions, techniques,

angle of insertion.

Exactly. That's what the bible was

created for, to help guys like us.

And we owe it to the others.

I ruined the bible.

I owe it to future generations

to restore its wisdom.

Dude, I'm all for it, but how?

Where do we start?

From the beginning.

LUBE:
This must be the guy

who created the bible.

(RINGING)

Hello?

ROB:
Hi. May I speak

to Noah Levenstein, please?

Speaking.

Are you the one who created the bible?

No, that would be God.

No, no, no. Hold on.

I'm referring to the bible.

I'm calling from

East Great Falls High School.

NOAH:
It was the summer

of my junior year, 1969,

and my buddies and I,

we take this trip to Amsterdam,

where we run into a group

of semi-attractive Dutch nymphos

who were willing to trade their bodies

for a handful of Jimi Hendrix LPs.

Well, needless to say, we had ourselves

one super weekend with those gals,

sexually speaking, if you get my drift.

But the sad news was,

we had no idea what we were doing.

We had no technique.

And then one day, we were out sight-seeing,

and we run into this Dutch hooker

in the red-light district,

and she tells us about this book.

It was a sex manual, evidently written

in the 19th century by some priest.

Well, we read that thing cover to cover,

and then when we got back

to East Great Falls,

I had the bright idea to write my own book

and add my own observations

and experiences and advice

and leave it in the library for some

other hapless virgin in the class below us.

But I had no idea it had been

passed down for 40 years.

Your book is a legend, Mr Levenstein.

Do you have it here?

Yeah.

May I see it?

Oh.

Oh, my.

Boys.

This is a real piece of history here.

What happened to it?

Well, that's why we're here.

The bible kinda got ruined,

so we wanna call everyone on the list

and try to reconstruct it.

Oh.

Well, I think you boys might need

some help.

Well, girls have the advantage,

because girls talk to each other,

and don't kid yourself,

they talk about the penis.

Penis size, penis shape,

the angle of the bend.

Whether it winks at you. They talk.

Now, to really make love to a woman,

you gotta really care about her.

But... Hey, sex is great, but sex with

someone you love? That's awesome.

Dude, that is so profound.

Telling you.

Yeah, definitely gets lonely on the road.

Sure, I made love to all kinds

of different food groups.

Did you ever try making love

to a peanut-butter sandwich?

Nothing comes close.

What?

Well, maybe a deboned ham hock,

but that takes a whole lot of prep.

Bend your knees.

Next time you spank it, sit Indian-style.

You won't come, not in a million years.

MAN:
Our sex organs

are like musical instruments.

Sure, you can have any technician

blow on your horn,

but to place your instrument into

the hands of a true expert?

That, my young friend, is true harmony.

NOAH:
Guys don't talk to each other

because they view each other

as competitors,

which I think is crazy. You know?

Because men need to help each other

and work together to get laid.

NO AH:
Noah Levenstein, class of '70.

ROB:
Pete Sambrelli?

NO AH:
That's right, the Noah Levenstein.

ROB:
Do you have a number for him?

Hi. This is regarding his advice

on the lubricants.

We found the tongue tornado in Regina.

(BOYS CHEERING)

You said bros befo' hos.

Isn't that what you said? Bros befo' hos.

And then you screwed my girlfriend.

Well, so did the entire glee club, Carlito.

What's your point?

I married her, you a**hole!

- Noah Levenstein.

- Janice?

Jessica.

Well, congratulations!

Who didn't see that coming?

Look at the time. Gotta go.

It's all about chemistry,

and confidence is the key.

MAN:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T,

you've heard that song, right?

Boys, we got another confirmation.

MAN:
You gotta treat your lady right.

You've got to be gentle, kind

and respectful to the one you love.

- Who are you talking to?

- Shut the f*** up.

This is how you get her really excited.

Stick your finger in her ass. Trust me.

Was that two fingers or one?

LUBE:
I'm sorry.

Confidential matter.

NOAH:
Phone, phone. Okay.

LUBE:
Then what happened?

Hello. Yeah. Class of '77.

Yeah, hold on. Let me get a pen.

Pete O'Donnell, please.

Who is this?

Mr O'Donnell, this is Marshall Lubetski.

I just wanted to talk to you about

what you wrote in the bible.

You know, about having anal sex

with Miss Johnson.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

...very much! Mark S.

(ALL CHEERING)

This is not a sex manual.

It is a life manual.

Now, I've been married for 35 years

and not just because

I'm this handsome dude

who knows how to satisfy a woman.

I've been married 35 years

because I love my wife

and I respect my wife.

And whether it's Amsterdam

or East Great Falls,

it all comes down to this.

If you're honest and treat a girl with respect,

then whatever happens is meant to happen,

because it's all perfectly natural.

Boys, I've prepared you for this quest.

And before you lies

the biggest test of your lives.

This book is a powerful weapon,

so use it for good,

not evil.

Yes.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSING)

ROB:
You still looking for the vacuum?

No. I found it in Cody's room. So strange.

I mean, I just don't remember

leaving it there.

(LAUGHS) Losing my mind, clearly.

Hey, Mom, can I go on the ski trip?

Yes.

But no drinking,

and if you do drink, no driving.

Don't worry. If I do anything wrong,

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