American Pie Presents: The Book of Love Page #7

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I'm sure it'll end up on YouTube, so...

Call you when I get there.

(CHATTERING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

Drinking round!

- Deal me in.

- What are you doing here?

Katie.

I know. But what are you doing here?

- I wanna play.

- Right.

Just deal her in, Stifler. What's the big deal?

AMY:
Yeah, deal her in.

Hi, Nathan.

Thanks for the flowers.

I'm sorry about being a jerk.

And, for the record, I've learned my lesson.

I'm ready to respect you

and support you on your pledge.

Really? But why?

I'm in this for you.

I'm not in it just to have sex.

Well, I realised that I'm in this for you,

and if the pledge gets in the way of that,

then how good can it really be?

Sounds like a good basis for the two of us

to just relax and see what happens.

Look. I bought a book.

I was thinking that we could

start on page one

and then see how far we get this weekend.

The first three chapters are foreplay.

Wow.

You know, I've actually been

reading a book, as well.

Have you ever heard of the tongue tornado?

Okay, let's go.

This is supposed to be fun.

This isn't fun.

Just you wait. You possess wisdom now.

Trust in the book.

I mean, what does that mean, anyway?

Do you think I'm too clingy?

No. No, of course not.

Do you even know how to play poker?

KATIE:
I know the game.

And I tell you what,

if I lose, I'll take off all my clothes.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

AMY:
Snap.

ASHLEY:
Nice.

And if I lose?

You apologise to me.

- For what? Blowing you off?

- KATIE:
Yes.

If it's not enough, it was my first time.

I deserve better.

(GASPS)

But if I win,

not only do you apologise to me,

you gotta run through the snow naked.

(ALL CHEERING)

- Yeah.

- It's a deal.

Start stripping, sweetheart.

It's not over yet.

Feeling lucky?

You better hope for a five on the river, baby.

ASHLEY:
She got the five! Unbelievable.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God.

- Strip.

- Hold on a second.

- Strip.

- Strip.

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!

Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!

You want me to strip?

You want some of this?

It's time to get it going, baby!

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, let's go! Here we go, baby.

STIFLER:
Wait, let's talk this over.

Sh*t. It's freezing out here.

Now apologise.

- I'm sorry.

- For what?

I'm sorry for not calling you afterwards.

And what else?

I'm sorry for being a dick, okay?

Now, open the stinking door.

GIRLS:
Oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

Open the door!

Now, tell everyone how you cry

like a little girl after you come.

I cry like a girl after I come, okay?

It's a very intense experience for me.

(MOOSE BELLOWING)

Call 911.

(SCREAMING)

(SNORTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREECHING)

Lube, get the rifle.

(DANA SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

- Was that a moose?

- Was that the tongue tornado?

(DANA SIGHING)

Go get 'em.

Hey, I'll meet you at the lodge later.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Go.

ROB:
Heidi. Wait up.

Do you mind if I ride up with you?

Okay.

Hey. What's up?

We... We're in the same gondola.

Yeah, look at that.

(GROANING)

Oh, God.

I didn't sleep with Stifler.

Yeah. I heard.

- But you still hate me?

- No.

No. Why would you say that?

You haven't said a word to me

since that night.

I know. I'm sorry.

I guess I just...

I needed time to work through my feelings.

And? What did you decide?

Gibbs says that Stifler has to sit on

a foam rubber doughnut for six weeks.

And he says they're talking about

amputating his feet from frostbite.

Gibbs is a liar.

Stifler doesn't need amputation.

That's too bad. I got an A in Shop.

(SNORTS)

Oh, my. Was that a snort?

Come to gloat?

No. Just looking for a fag.

Just 'cause I took a moose pickle up my ass

doesn't mean I'm gay.

Very funny. How's your bum?

Feels like I gave birth to a mayonnaise jar,

but thanks for asking.

Hey, I heard about your boyfriend.

That really sucks.

Yeah. I thought only high school boys

were jerks.

It turns out they never outgrow it.

Imogen, no offence,

and you're the most mature girl I know,

but a 24-year-old dude isn't gonna take

a high-school girl seriously.

I suppose not.

You wanna sit down?

What for?

I just thought we could both use

a friend right now.

Stifler.

My bad. Reflex.

(LAUGHS)

ROB:
I'm sorry.

You have to make your own decisions.

You know, I just...

I thought we had something.

We did.

We do.

I was scared.

Of what?

I really like you.

And I want it to be special.

I guess I just wanted to be ready.

So you almost had sex with Stifler

so you'd be ready for me.

Yeah.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Well, I heard you got some practise.

You know, the truth is,

is nothing happened.

I didn't want it to be random like that.

And...

I couldn't picture my first time

being with anybody else but you.

What was that?

I don't know.

- Looks like we're stuck.

- Yeah.

You know, we could be up here for a while.

Yeah.

LUBE:
Hey, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Why do you hook up with a**holes

like Scott Stifler anyway?

Excuse me, but you don't know me.

(SCOFFS) You know,

you're just the same as all the rest.

I'm just some sort of trophy to you.

You don't care about me.

You just wanna sleep with me,

because you think

it's some sort of status symbol.

Sorry.

(ASHLEY SIGHS)

God.

How long are we gonna be up here?

I'll get help.

ASHLEY:
What are you doing?

It's not that far down,

and there's, like, 20 feet of snow.

What, is this supposed to impress me?

The thought had crossed my mind.

Absolutely not. First of all, it's just wrong.

Second of all,

you're not even supposed to touch the door.

And third, it's just really dangerous, okay?

So just get away from there.

Right. What was I thinking?

Whoa!

(ASHLEY SCREAMING)

Are you okay?

I think I hurt my leg.

(SIGHS)

Idiot.

Are you okay?

Are you crazy?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

About what you said

about how I don't care about you

and you're just a trophy,

that's actually not true.

I really like you.

We went to elementary school together.

I remember when you sang Hey Ya!

In the sixth-grade talent show.

I remember when you fell off the pyramid

at the homecoming game, freshman year.

You were so embarrassed, but I didn't care.

I just liked how you played it off

like it was all part of the routine.

I mean, yeah, sure, you're a super-hot babe,

but I actually like you for you.

Look, this may be a shock to you,

but I have no idea what I'm doing with girls.

But I really wanna learn.

You just give me a chance.

That's all I'm asking.

And I guarantee that

I will make it my life's mission

to satisfy you in every way possible.

- Let's go back to the...

- To the cabin.

Dude. You forgot to sign it.

You sure we can't just keep it

for one more year?

No, guys, it's someone else's turn.

ROB ON COMPUTER:

This is my little brother, Cody,

and this is what he does

with the vacuum every day.

No! Hey! No!

COD Y:
Help! It's stuck! I can't get it off!

(COD Y GRO ANING)

Help! Help! It's stuck.

(LAUGHS) Gotcha.

COD Y:
Help!

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