American Satan Page #6

for statutory rape.

My daughter was seduced

by that lesbian Satan woman,

and there were other band members

in the room, and they were all

having sex together, and it was

unholy, and they took advantage

of my little girl.

They can all go to hell.

Nobody took advantage of me.

I had the best night of my life.

The only problem here is that my

mom and dad don't have sex anymore.

And guess what, Mom, the legal

age of consent in Indiana is 16.

So, Lily, I f***ing love you.

Johnny's my hero.

Relentless forever!

- (MIC THUMPING)

- (WOMAN SPEAKING OVER RADIO)

Really?

Look. No. I'm not. I swear.

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING OVER TV)

Scans came back clear.

It looks like

the surgery got it all

before it had time to spread.

(CHUCKLES) That's amazing.

I'm just gonna keep on,

you know, getting my checkups

and all of that,

and, um, I should be okay.

So I'm gonna hop in the shower

and I'm gonna get ready,

'cause I can't wait

to see your show.

(LILY SPEAKING OVER TV) And what

the (BLEEP) do you guys think?

(CROWD CHEERING OVER TV)

We need less guns and more sex.

Less war and more music.

- And more f***ing sex.

- (CHEERING)

Oh, come on, man,

at least let us play tonight.

This is Johnny

and Vic's hometown.

No, man, listen.

You're off the tour.

I've called all the promoters. We

cannot be guilty by association.

This is f***ing bullshit. This has

nothing to do with that girl and her mom.

Tell you how

this is gonna go down.

You youngsters

are gonna pack up your sh*t,

you're gonna take your

cheesy ass f***ing devil flags

and get the f*** off our tour.

Yeah, well, have fun playing

500 capacity shitholes

the rest of your life, fella!

Come on, guys, the people

already paid to see us play.

- Let's just play...

- F*** you and your poser ass band!

(CLAMORING)

You f***ing dick!

Lily, toss me another one.

I'm calling Elias!

You guys are finished!

I'm calling him right now!

You guys are finished! You're

off this tour! You're off!

I'm callin' him right now,

you f***er!

What the f***'s going on?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Show's cancelled, mate.

Hi, um, this probably isn't the

best first impression of the band,

but it's a pleasure

to finally meet you both.

- Thanks.

- Nice to meet you.

Yeah, um, welcome.

Johnny,

the show's been cancelled.

What do you have

to say about that?

- We'll be back.

- (CROWD CHEERING)

I won't be able to make that,

I'm pretty sure.

- All right, later.

- (PHONE BEEPS)

I have five different promoters

on hold

and they're all wanting

to cancel the shows

- because The Relentless aren't on tour anymore.

- What?

Make that seven. Nashville and

New York just called, freaking out.

- (PHONE RINGS)

- Oh, Jesus. Hello?

Elias? We have an issue.

Tell me you did not

kick them off the tour.

That's what my guys wanted.

What was I supposed to do?

Yeah, well, I'm sure your guys

are gonna want to get paid

for the rest of the shows.

That's not gonna happen when

half the audience wants refunds.

They f***ed a 17-year-old!

I don't care if they f***ing gang-banged

your sister and made you watch.

You don't f***ing kick bands off

my tour without talking to me first!

- (CROWD CHEERING)

- What should I do now?

Maybe you should just,

uh, never call me again

and go get a real f***ing job!

(PHONE BEEPING)

So, what did he say?

He told me I need to re-evaluate

the situation.

FEMALE FAN:

Your van's shot. American Satan.

So you really have

to head straight back?

The label's making me do a bunch

of promo now that we lost this tour.

I wish I didn't have to.

It's gonna take me awhile to get the

grants and the loans that I need for UCLA.

I'm okay if you, if you need

your personal freedom.

- It's just...

- Stop, stop.

Floating on the water

- (CAR HORN HONKING)

- LEO:
All right, love birds, we're leaving!

- LEO:
Come on, Johnny, get in.

- VIC:
Gretchen, come with us!

God, I wish. (CHUCKLES)

- I love you.

- I love you.

Singing

Oh, what heaven knows

Everybody take one.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Could have, uh...

- Thank you.

Best thing

that could have happened

was you getting us kicked off

that tour.

- Really? (CHUCKLES)

- Because there'll be no more clubs in a van.

Straight to the theaters

in a bus.

(CHEERING)

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Cheers.

The hype is f***ing crazy

out there.

And I'd like you to meet

your new tour manager, Hawk.

Oh, hang on a minute.

That's my gig.

No, no, Ricky.

You're the band's manager.

Not the tour manager.

You belong with your ass

in a chair behind a desk.

- Ooh.

- (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Hawk's been doing this 20 years.

He's gonna run security

and make sure

we don't get ripped off

by the promoters.

(SIGHS) God.

Okay, okay, fine. All right.

So, what else do you do?

Sh*t hits the fan, I'm the fan.

Oh, good.

Well, well, okay, look.

Okay, okay, fine. But listen,

don't, don't think for a second

that I'm not going.

A lot of heat out there, guys.

I think we're all in for a ride.

So let's have another round.

Oh, oh, heaven knows

We belong way down below

Oh, oh, tell her so

We belong way down below

Why the f*** would Elias book us

here the day our album comes out?

Well, (STUTTERS) it... Look.

It's probably just the way the

venue availabilities worked out, huh.

There is a method to his

madness. Think about it, guys.

See that out there? That's the

best publicity we can ever get

and it doesn't cost us a penny.

- (DOOR THUDDING)

- Whoa.

They say if no one's hating

then you ain't making an impact.

F*** yeah, man. Let's tear

the house down tonight.

Yeah, about that, the, uh, the county

pressured the venue into shutting the show down.

VIC:

What?

Oh, sh*t.

Where can we celebrate

our f***ing album release, then?

Yeah, I say

we just keep driving, guys.

Well, there is one bar in town

but it's really not worth a sh*t

and I wouldn't suggest

you guys go there.

("I GOT BONES" PLAYING)

Like a moth to a flame

That neon light

Must've been calling our names

'Cause here we are

Drinking down doubles

Okay, guys,

I gotta go to the can.

Grab me a club soda,

and try not to stare at anybody.

...in the first place

We can take another hit

Bring on the sticks

Take me to heaven

With one hell of a kiss

Let them throw their stones Ain't

gonna slow our roll Baby don't you know

Well, this should be

interesting.

Ah, it'll be all right.

We're here, we're together

- we'll have a good time. What else matters?

- DYLAN:
Same here, mate.

Look, I know I can be a bit

of a hothead sometimes, but...

Yeah, sometimes.

But thanks

for putting up with me

- and letting me play with you, yeah?

- Yeah.

We would never sound the way we do

without your drumming, so thank you.

- We wouldn't know each other if it weren't for this cock.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Okay, okay, um, to our

incredible journey together.

- Yeah?

- To American Satan, b*tches.

(ALL CHEERING)

Look what we have here.

- Devil loving faggots.

- Ha.

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