American Splendor Page #14

HARVEY:

Whoa whoa, wait a second.

Jerusalem? I can barely drag you

off the futon to go to the

Letterman show.

JOYCE:

Y’know why? ‘Cause I don’t give a

damn about the Letterman show. I

want to work on something important

to me. Something that matters.

Joyce hits a nerve.

HARVEY:

(furious)

Hey! You know I only go on the

show for the extra bread!

78.

People start to look over.

JOYCE:

Harvey ... you’re yelling ...

HARVEY:

Maybe if you got yer lazy ass up

and got a job, I could work on

something that matters, too, huh?!

Joyce doesn’t dignify Harvey with an answer. She stares at

him, her eyes well with hurt.

He sighs, calming down. He looks around sheepishly.

HARVEY (cont’d)

I’m sorry, baby. I -- I’m sorry

...

He grabs her hand.

CUT TO:

EXT. HARVEY’S APARTMENT - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY and JOYCE stroll across the lawn holding hands. They

move towards a waiting CAB. Harvey carries his wife’s bags.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

I guess it was good ta finally see

Joyce excited about somethin’ of

her own. Sure I was happy for her.

But I was still upset for me.

They stop by the cab.

HARVEY:

This is crazy. Can’t ya just do

somethin’ here in Cleveland?

JOYCE:

Harvey, you’ll survive a few weeks

alone.

HARVEY:

Alright...Be careful. I love you,

baby.

They kiss. Harvey grudgingly puts her bags in the car. He

watches as the cab pulls away.

79.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

It was later that night when I

first found the lump.

INT. HARVEY’S BEDROOM - 1980’S - NIGHT

Wearing only his shorts, Harvey lies alone in the communal

futon, flipping through a book. He reaches into his

underwear to scratch his nuts.

Suddenly he stops. He feels something odd ...

For a moment he just freezes. His eyes register panic.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

I was determined to put it outta my

mind until Joyce got back. Easier

said than done.

CUT TO:

INT. V.A. HOSPITAL - 1980’S - DAY

An enraged HARVEY fights with his co-worker MIGUEL.

HARVEY:

What do I care! Just gimme the

chart already!

MIGUEL:

What is your problem today?!

HARVEY:

Look, Miguel! I just don’t wanna

keep comin’ back here for it,

okay?!

MIGUEL:

Harvey, that patient’s due t’be

admitted a week from now! Why do

you always have to be picking

fights with everybody?

HARVEY:

(yelling)

How many times do we gotta go

through the same bullshit. Just

gimme the f***in’ chart!

Offended, Miguel storms off.

80.

MIGUEL:

We’ll see what the doctor says

about this.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - NIGHT

Alone and slumped over his table, HARVEY draws comic ideas

with stick figures. Nothing’s coming to him. He looks like

he’s in anguish.

Frustrated, Harvey crumbles the idea and throws it on the

floor. He knocks over a chair.

INT. HARVEY’S BEDROOM - 1980’S - DAY

He tosses and turns in bed. No way he’s sleeping.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY is yelling into the telephone. It is a bad

connection.

HARVEY:

(loudly into phone)

Whadya mean? Another two weeks?

Ya gotta come home some time!

Hello? DAMNIT!.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK STAGE - NBC STUDIOS - 1980’S - DAY

Without Joyce, a surly HARVEY waits in the wings for his

introduction. He sneaks a peek as Letterman finishes up the

“Stupid Pet Tricks” segment. We hear dogs barking and

audience laughter.

LETTERMAN REGULAR (O.S.)

And there you have it, folks!

Another enlightening episode of

Stupid Pet Tricks!

81.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

I was startin’ ta lose it. Between

the lump, the loneliness -- I felt

like everything wuz closin’ in on

me. And with Joyce over there

savin’ the world, I never felt more

like a sell-out hack in my life.

LETTERMAN REGULAR (O.S.)

Y’know ladies and gentlemen, when

Thoreau wrote that most men lead

lives of quiet depression, he

obviously had not met our first

guest, who happens to lead a life

of whining desperation ...

Harvey clenches his fists.

HARVEY:

(threatening)

Okay, a**hole. You’ll pay for that

one...

Harvey takes off his shirt. He pulls another t-shirt out of

the bag and changes ...

LETTERMAN REGULAR (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome back, Harvey Pekar.

Harvey’s new t-shirt reads “ON STRIKE AGAINST NBC.” He takes

off for the stage, fists clenched, a soldier marching off to

war.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GREEN ROOM - NBC STUDIOS - 1980’S - DAY

We’re positioned behind the monitor, so we can only hear the

show. THE STAGE MANAGER AND TWO PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS

straighten up in the room.

HARVEY (O.S.)

Hey, Dave! You wanna know what my

politics are? I’m a strident

leftist, Dave.

LETTERMAN (O.S.)

I could have guessed half of that.

82.

HARVEY (O.S.)

You coulda guessed all of it, man!

So why don’t we talk about your

parent company, G.E., huh? Let’s

talk about anti-trust violations

and nuclear reactors!

.

STAGE MANAGER:

Joe, put more sodas in the fridge,

there. And let’s clean up the

counters. That Pekar guy’s a pig.

As the P.A.’s walk back and forth in front of the monitor, we

hear the Letterman / Pekar banter grow louder.

Suddenly PRODUCTION ASSISTANT #2 stops and checks out the

monitor.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT #2

Whoa ... you guys. Check this out.

INT. TOBY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

TOBY and his GRANDMOTHER watch HARVEY raise hell on

Letterman. Again, we can’t see the screen.

HARVEY (O.S.)

You’re a cop-out, Letterman.

You’re nothin’ but a shill for G.E.

Toby’s GRANDMOTHER passes him a plate of cookies.

LETTERMAN (O.S.)

First of all, Harvey, what you are

saying is not true. Second of all,

this is not the place to say it.

If you want to talk about this, go

somewhere else, because you’re not

talking about it here!!

CUT TO:

INT. MR. BOAT’S KITCHEN - 1980’S - DAY

Dressed in a bathrobe, Mr. Boats eats a lonely, late-night

snack (cake and milk) at his kitchen table. A 12” TV on the

table has Harvey and Dave on.

HARVEY (O.S.)

Don’t worry, Dave. I won’t come

back unless you beg me.

83.

LETTERMAN (O.S.)

You’re not coming back at all.

HARVEY (O.S.)

What do I care-

LETTERMAN (O.S.)

Because we’ve given you many, many

chances to talk about things that

would be of general interest to

people-

HARVEY (O.S.)

So what?!

Mr. Boats shakes his head.

INT. TOWN CAR - 1980’S - DAY

We see Harvey alone, slumped in the back seat of a Town Car,

heading back towards his hotel. City lights pass over his

troubled face. We still hear the show, as if it’s now in his

head.

.

LETTERMAN (V.O.)

--And also to promote your little

Mickey Mouse magazine. Your little

weekly reader! But you’ve blown

every chance you’ve got. You’re a

dork, Harvey!

HARVEY (V.O.)

Dave, you’re fulla sh*t! You’re

fulla sh*t!!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HARVEY’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - 1980’S - NIGHT

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