American Splendor Page #13

the hell do you get that stuff?

Letterman cracks up. The Audience laughs even harder.

71.

HARVEY (cont’d)

I’m no show biz phoney. I’m

telling the truth. Come on, man.

The Audience can’t believe this guy’s holding his own with

Letterman.

INT. GREEN ROOM - NBC STUDIOS - 1980’S - DAY

ANGLE ON LETTERMAN REGULAR

LETTERMAN REGULAR

(to Joyce)

At least he’s keeping up with

Letterman.

JOYCE:

Pandering is more like it.

Suddenly, Joyce walks over to the monitor and looks for the

channel. She hits a button, but it only changes the frame of

the show.

JOYCE (cont’d)

Damnit.

LETTERMAN REGULAR

Excuse me, but what are you doing?

JOYCE:

I’m trying to get some news. You

know there’s a big story about to

break about the US selling arms to

Iran and the Contras.

LETTERMAN REGULAR

That’s a monitor.

JOYCE:

Ugh. Just forget it.

Joyce gives up. She sinks back into her seat and pulls a

book from her bag. The Letterman Regular stares at her like

she’s from Mars.

LETTERMAN SHOW - STOCK FOOTAGE

ANGLE ON THE MONITOR

72.

LETTERMAN:

Harvey, I know you’ve got a job.

I’ve got a job. We’re both very

lucky. We both have jobs.

HARVEY:

Then what’s the matter?

Once again laughs and a big round of applause. Letterman

pulls out Joyce’s mysterious doll and props it up on the

table.

LETTERMAN:

We’ve gotta go. Harvey I like you.

I’m on your side. I enjoy the

comic books. And here, quickly

tell us about the little doll here.

HARVEY:

My wife made it.

INT. GREEN ROOM - NBC STUDIOS - 1980’S - DAY

BACK TO JOYCE.

She suddenly perks up.

JOYCE:

Finally something good.

(to Letterman Regular)

Watch this.

LETTERMAN SHOW - STOCK FOOTAGE

.

CLOSE-UP OF THE DOLL

It is an absolutely horrific but oddly evocative “Harvey Rag

Doll.” His face is inspired by Crumb’s drawings of Harvey

but even more extreme. His little T-shirt reads, “American

Splendor.”

The Audience is in stitches.

LETTERMAN:

They’re made out of your old

clothing.

HARVEY:

That’s right.

LETTERMAN:

And what do these go for?

73.

HARVEY:

Thirty-four bucks.

LETTERMAN:

(shocked)

Thirty-four dollars? Thirty-four

dollars for this?

HARVEY:

What are ya cheap. You cheaper

than me?

LETTERMAN:

Would you pay thirty-four dollars

for that?

HARVEY:

No but I’m not asking it. My wife

is.

BACK TO:

INT. GREEN ROOM - NBC STUDIOS - 1980’S - DAY

JOYCE stares at the monitor, expressionless. The STAGE

MANAGER sticks his head in.

STAGE MANAGER:

He’s a natural.

LETTERMAN REGULAR

He is. Good stuff.

The Stage Manager grabs the Regular.

STAGE MANAGER:

C’mon. Your turn.

A smiling HARVEY (the actor now) waltzes in straight from his

command performance.

HARVEY:

Whad’ya think?

Joyce taps her finger on Letterman’s image on the monitor.

JOYCE:

Megalomaniac.

DISSOLVE TO:

74.

INT. NEW YORK HOTEL ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY tries on a ripped T-shirt for Joyce who lies on the

bed.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

It became clear pretty fast that I

was invited on the show just for

laughs. But what the hell did I

care? Letterman was an okay guy.

Let him take pot shots at me,

s’long as I got paid an’ got to

plug my comics.

CUT TO:

LETTERMAN SHOW - STOCK FOOTAGE

MONTAGE:
A series of actual HARVEY appearances on LATE NIGHT

WITH LETTERMAN.

INT. GREEN ROOM - NBC STUDIOS - 1980’S - DAY

JOYCE, whose different outfits reflect time passage, watches

each time from the GREEN ROOM.

.

LETTERMAN SHOW - STOCK FOOTAGE

HARVEY, in a ratty T-shirt, spars with LETTERMAN.

LETTERMAN:

Harvey, you are the embodiment of

the American dream ...

The Audience laughs.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

Funny thing is, somethin’ about me

and Letterman clicked for the

viewers. He kept wantin’ me back.

LETTERMAN SHOW - STOCK FOOTAGE - ANOTHER SHOW

LETTERMAN introduces his favorite guest.

LETTERMAN:

It is my pleasure to welcome back

our next guest, the lovable Harvey

Pekar!

75.

HARVEY walks out with a box of donuts. He starts giving

Letterman an earful right off the bat.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

Here was this slick, ambitious guy

with millions, winnin’ over the

country by makin’ light of

everything. And then there was

me... A messy loser with no dough

who takes everything too seriously.

LETTERMAN:

Tell me Harvey, what do you do to

get away from the pressure of being

-- well, a file clerk? (laughter)

HARVEY:

Go ahead and laugh, folks. But he

has more contempt for you than I

do!

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE CASTLE - 1980’S - DAY

The burger joint has been transformed into a film set with

lights, cameras and lots of trendy MTV types.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

An it wasn’t just me gettin’ all

the attention. As a result of my

appearances on Letterman, my buddy

Toby Radloff landed a gig on MTV

extolling the virtues of White

Castle burgers...

OFF TO THE SIDE:

Two HOT BABES slave over TOBY as he gets his hair and make-up

done.

HARVEY wanders onto the set. He finally spots Toby in the

corner. As he heads over to say hello, Harvey bumps into the

MTV DIRECTOR -- a new wave fashion victim who looks like a

lost member of A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS.

.

MTV DIRECTOR:

Christ! Watch where you’re going!

76.

HARVEY:

(muttering)

F***in’ yuppie or whatever kinda

freak you are.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

That day on the set with those MTV

jerks, I had an epiphany. It

seemed that real, salt of the earth

people like Toby an’ me were bein’

coopted by these huge corporations.

We were gettin’ held up and

ridiculed as losers in the system.

What can I say, it was the 80’s

man.

CUT TO:

MTV PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

TOBY, dressed in dark sunglasses and a turtleneck, stands in

front of a White Castle. He delivers his lines in his

trademark robotic style. There’s an MTV logo on the bottom

of the screen.

TOBY:

Hamburgers are a safer addiction

than drugs. Say no to drugs. Say

yes to White Castle!

CUT TO:

INT. CLEVELAND DINER - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY and JOYCE eat breakfast together. Harvey reads a

Katherine Mansfield book as JOYCE reads a newspaper.

JOYCE:

(looking up from the

paper)

Harvey, I’ve been reading about

these kids who grew up in war zones

-- Palestinians, Israelis, El

Salvadorians, Cambodians... These

kids are amazing and they’re -

A YUPPIE in a jogging suit walks up to Harvey, interrupting

Joyce in mid-sentence.

77.

YUPPIE:

Hey, you’re that guy from the

Letterman show, right?

HARVEY:

(smiling)

Yeah, that’s me.

YUPPIE:

That’s so excellent. You and

Stupid Pet Tricks are a riot.

Harvey’s not smiling anymore. This guy’s a jerk.

HARVEY:

Yeah? Then why dontcha buy one of

my comics, man. That’s the only

reason I go on that dumb show

anyway.

YUPPIE:

Right, sure. Later, Harvey Pekar!

The Yuppie rushes out.

.

HARVEY:

A**hole.

JOYCE:

Anyway, I want to do a political

comic book about these kids.

There’s a conference in Jerusalem

in a few weeks, and I can start by

doing interviews there.

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