American Splendor Page #9

JOYCE:

Hi, Harvey. We finally meet in

person.

She politely offers her hand. Harvey shakes it, but he looks

overwhelmed, worried and pessimistic.

HARVEY:

Hiya. Look, before we get started

with any of this, ya might as well

know right off the bat. I had a

vasectomy.

Joyce lets go of his hand. She stares at him in disbelief.

CUT TO:

INT. TGIF STYLE RESTAURANT - 1980’S - NIGHT

The most awkward date in history. Seated in an ultra-yuppie

restaurant filled with business lunchers, Harvey and Joyce

hide behind their menus. While everyone else looks slick and

successful, these two compete for the world’s worst posture.

.

HARVEY:

What’s wrong?

JOYCE:

Nothing.

HARVEY:

Somethin’s wrong. Yer lookin’

around everywhere.

JOYCE:

I guess I never imagined you eating

in a place like this.

47.

HARVEY:

Me? I never been here. I thought

you’d like it. But obviously ya

don’t, do ya?

JOYCE:

It’s fine. What difference does it

make?

Harvey shakes his head, feeling more pessimistic.

HARVEY:

I dunno. None, I guess.

(beat)

They sure got a lot of meat on this

menu.

JOYCE:

You’re a vegetarian?

HARVEY:

Kinda. I mean ever since I got a

pet cat, I couldn’t eat animals

anymore.

Joyce grabs a bread stick.

JOYCE:

Hmm. I support and identify with

groups like PETA, but unfortunately

I’m a self-diagnosed anemic. Also,

I have all these food allergies to

vegetables that give me serious

intestinal distress. I guess I

have a lot of borderline health

disorders that limit me politically

when it comes to eating.

Harvey just stares at her.

HARVEY:

Wow. Yer a sick woman, huh?

JOYCE:

Not yet. But I expect to be.

Everyone in my family’s got some

kind of degenerative illness.

A cheery waitress bounces over.

WAITRESS:

(sing song)

Good afternoon!

48.

WAITRESS(cont'd)

I’m your server Cindy! What can I

bring you two today?

They slowly look up at her.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S APARTMENT - 1980’S - NIGHT

JOYCE and HARVEY enter the apartment. The place is a mess,

as usual.

HARVEY:

Look, I was gonna clean up, but why

should I give you any false

notions? The truth is I got a

serious problem with cleanliness.

I could wash a dish ten times and

it’d still dirty. They even kicked

me outta the Army ‘cause I couldn’t

learn ta make a bed.

Joyce puts down her bag.

JOYCE:

I’ve seen worse.

She slumps down on the sofa as if she’s been here a million

times. She rubs her head. Harvey sits next to her.

JOYCE (cont’d)

Harvey, go get me water and a few

aspirin.

Harvey just bounces back up and obeys.

HARVEY:

What, ya got a headache?

JOYCE:

No, but I want to avoid one.

Harvey empties the aspirin bottle in his palm. For some

reason, he’s feeling more comfortable.

HARVEY:

Well lemme tell ya Joyce, it sure

is nice ta have company. I mean,

despite all your problems, you seem

like a great person. An’ hey,

sorry if my dating skills are kinda

rusty, but I’ve just been through

hell and back with women.

49.

HARVEY(cont'd)

I mean that last one turned out to

be a real nasty b*tch.

Harvey arrives back with the aspirin. He hands it to Joyce.

JOYCE:

I had a nice time with you, too.

Joyce swallows the pill. Harvey sits down next to her.

HARVEY:

Yeah? You had a nice time?

JOYCE:

Don’t make people repeat

themselves. It’s annoying.

HARVEY:

Oh, sorry.

They’re inches away from each other.

JOYCE:

C’mere ...

She pulls him close. Harvey plants a kiss on her.

They slowly separate. Joyce’s eyes are closed. She likes

him. He kisses her again. They start making out, moaning a

bit.

But before it gets heavy-JOYCE

(cont’d)

Harvey?

HARVEY:

Yeah?

Joyce opens her eyes. She looks uneasy.

JOYCE:

Which door’s the bathroom?

INT. HARVEY’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM DOOR - 1980’S - DAY

Harvey stands by the bathroom door, despondent. From inside

we hear the sounds of moaning and flushing.

50.

HARVEY:

Hey, Joyce! What’s wrong? What is

it?

.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S BATHROOM - DAY

FLUSH! Joyce is doubled over on the toilet. She’s looking

green.

JOYCE:

Ugh! I don’t know. I think that

yuppie food did me in.

BACK TO:

INT. HARVEY’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM DOOR - DAY

OUTSIDE THE DOOR

HARVEY:

I feel terrible. Lemme at least do

something for you.

BACK TO:

INT. HARVEY’S BATHROOM - DAY

Joyce gets to her feet and puts her glasses back on. She

picks up a can and sprays air freshener around the room.

Then she looks at the can and realizes it’s WD-40.

HARVEY:

Can I make ya something? How about

some chamomile tea?

Joyce puts the can down.

JOYCE:

Chamomile tea? What the hell’s a

guy like you doing with that? I

thought you drink soda pop for

breakfast.

HARVEY (O.S.)

I dunno. I noticed you drank a lot

of it when we started talkin’ on

the phone. So I stocked up on

herbal teas for your visit.

51.

Joyce turns her head to the door. She’s truly surprised by

what Harvey’s just said. And very moved. She smiles to

herself.

BACK TO:

INT. HARVEY’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM DOOR - DAY

Harvey stands there waiting.

HARVEY:

The girl at the Food Co-op picked

me out all kinds of herbal stuff.

One of ‘ems good for stomachaches.

Grandma Bear’s Tummy Mint, I think.

Are you still there?

Joyce slowly opens the door. She leans against the door

frame like she’s just been through a war.

She takes off her glasses and cleans them off with her shirt.

JOYCE:

Harvey, we better skip this whole

courtship thing and just get

married.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S BEDROOM - 1980’S - DAY

Harvey and Joyce are in bed, lying in each other’s arms.

They look quite contented.

HARVEY:

Man, am I glad I talked you into

comin’ up here. Any more time

alone and I mighta lost it fer

good.

.

JOYCE:

Me too.

HARVEY:

So you don’t have any problems with

movin’ to Cleveland?

JOYCE:

Not really. I find most American

cities depressing in the same way.

52.

HARVEY:

An’ yer okay with the vasectomy

thing?

She shrugs.

EXT. PARKING LOT - V.A. HOSPITAL - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY approaches the building. Instead of dragging his feet

like usual, he seems to be floating on a cloud. We haven’t

seen Harvey this happy since... well, since never.

He stops by a junker car and peeks in the window, finding

TOBY eating lunch alone. He has an entire White Castle

smorgasbord spread across the front seat.

Harvey knocks on the window. Toby rolls it down.

HARVEY:

Ay Toby.

TOBY:

(mouth full)

No you can’t have any of my White

Castle hamburgers so please don’t

even ask.

HARVEY:

Can I have a fry?

Harvey reaches for a handful of Toby’s fries.

TOBY:

Okay, but just a couple, Harvey.

I’m not going to eat dinner until

very late and this has got to hold

me over.

Harvey leans in, always amused by Toby. He steals another

fry.

HARVEY:

(munching)

Whattya got, a church function?

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