American Splendor Page #10

TOBY:

No, I’m driving to Toledo to see a

movie. Would you like to come?

HARVEY:

Nah. I gotta fly to Delaware

tonight. I’m gettin’ married.

53.

TOBY:

Oh. Why Delaware?

HARVEY:

The chick I’m marryin’ is from

Wilmington. Plus, I gotta help her

move her stuff here.

(a beat)

Why you drivin’ ta Toledo to see a

movie?

TOBY:

It’s not playing at the Mapletown.

(a beat)

I didn’t know you had a girlfriend,

Harvey.

HARVEY:

Yeah. We met last week.

Harvey opens the car door and slides in with Toby.

HARVEY (cont’d)

Toby, what movie could possibly be

worth drivin’ 260 miles round trip

for?

.

TOBY:

It’s a new film called “Revenge of

the Nerds.” It’s about a group of

nerd college students who are being

picked on all the time by the

jocks, so they decide to take

revenge. I already saw it once.

HARVEY:

Wow, ya really dig this movie.

TOBY:

I like it a lot, Harvey.

HARVEY:

What are these nerds like? How

would you describe them?

TOBY:

Hmm... Nerds are smart but they

look and act differently than other

people. Like nerds might wear

polyester button-down shirts and

flood pants where their ankles and

their socks are showing.

54.

Toby spills some catsup on his polyester button-down shirt.

He stands up to get a napkin, revealing his flood pants.

HARVEY:

So what yer sayin’ is you identify

with those nerds?

TOBY:

(rubbing out the catsup)

Yes, I consider myself a nerd. And

this movie has uplifted me.

There’s this one scene where a nerd

grabs the microphone during a pep

rally and announces that he is a

nerd and that he is proud of it and

stands up for the rights of other

nerds. Then, he asks the kids at

the pep rally who think they are

nerds to come forward ... So nearly

everyone in the place does. That’s

the way the movie ends.

HARVEY:

So the nerds won, huh?

TOBY:

(smiling)

Yes.

Harvey grabs the rest of Toby’s fries and opens the door to

leave.

HARVEY:

Wow. You got this movie an’ I’m

gettin’ hitched. We both had a

good month, huh?

TOBY:

(finishing his last

burger)

Right. Harvey, how long are you

going to be in Delaware because I’d

really like to see this movie with

you?

HARVEY:

I’m only goin’ for a week but then

I’ll have a wife, so I’ll have to

take her along. Is it a girl

flick?

.

55.

TOBY:

Depends on the girl. What kind of

girl is your new bride? Is she a

nerd?

HARVEY:

I don’t know, man. Maybe. She’s

into herbal teas.

Toby watches Harvey saunter off. He returns to his last

hamburger.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - 1980’S - NIGHT

A brightly lit marquee reads, “REVENGE OF THE NERDS.”

The doors to the theater open and a crowd pours onto the

street.

HARVEY, JOYCE and TOBY are among them. Toby proudly wears a

“Genuine Nerd” button on his striped shirt.

JOYCE:

I agree with Toby. I think it’s a

story of hope and tolerance.

TOBY:

Yes. It’s about time that the

people who get picked on get to be

the heroes.

Harvey scrunches his face in disbelief.

HARVEY:

It’s an entertaining flick an’ I

can see why you like it Toby, but

those people on the screen ain’t

even supposed to be you! They’re

college students whose parents live

in big houses in the suburbs.

They’re gonna get degrees, get good

jobs and stop being nerds.

Joyce hits Harvey.

JOYCE:

Harvey, what did I say about loud

talking? Use your inside voice.

56.

HARVEY:

(whispering loudly)

Look Toby, the guys in that movie

are not 28-year-old file clerks who

live with their grandmothers in an

ethnic ghetto.

JOYCE:

That’s enough, Harvey.

HARVEY:

They didn’t get their computers

like you did -- by trading in a

bunch of box tops and $49.50 at the

supermarket.

Joyce folds her arms in disapproval. Toby starts to laugh.

TOBY:

You’re funny Harvey.

Harvey looks at him, disappointed. He shakes his head.

HARVEY:

Sure, Toby. Go to the movies and

daydream, but “Revenge of the

Nerds” ain’t reality. It’s just

Hollywood bullshit.

.

CUT TO:

EXT. TOBY’S CAR -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER

ANGLE ON TOBY’S CAR (through windshield)

Toby and Joyce continue to analyze the movie in the front

seat as Toby starts the ignition.

CUT TO:

INT. TOBY’S CAR

ANGLE ON HARVEY IN BACK SEAT

Slouched, grumpy and alone on the back seat, Harvey’s still

annoyed by the movie.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

Okay, maybe I was bein’ so harsh on

Toby onna count a’ my own problems.

57.

REAL HARVEY(cont'd)

Y’see, I wasn’t even married a

month and my old lady was already

showin’ signs a’ trouble. Granted,

I tend ta get married fast ‘cause

I’ll take any woman that’ll have

me, but this time I really met my

match ...

CUT TO:

INT. REHEARSAL STUDIO - PRESENT - DAY

HIGH DEFINITION VIDEO DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE

A few items indicating film production are in the frame.

At a table in the foreground, BOB THE DIRECTOR discusses the

character of Joyce with the ACTRESS playing her. The actress

just nods as the director goes on.

We can see THE REAL JOYCE sitting with THE REAL HARVEY in the

distance.

DIRECTOR:

Okay, I think the thing with Joyce

is that as manic as Harvey can be,

she matches him with depression.

In that way they complete each

other. I mean, she’s obviously a

very smart woman, but she has a lot

of trouble functioning in a world

she can’t control. And she’s

totally obsessed with all things

negative; y’know, diseases,

dysfuctions, etc.

THE REAL JOYCE and REAL HARVEY listen curiously -- sometimes

pleased, sometimes displeased -- as their personalities are

dissected and boiled down to a few phrases.

CLOSER SHOT OF REAL JOYCE AND HARVEY

.

The REAL JOYCE puts in her two cents about the actress

playing her. She rants about what it’s like to be portrayed

in a movie, and having a character arc imposed on her life.

She moves into talking about her relationship with Harvey,

and the first years of their marriage -- how impossible it

was to live with him.

The REAL HARVEY just rolls his eyes.

58.

END HIGH DEFINITION VIDEO DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

JOYCE is on a cleaning rampage. She rummages through piles

upon piles of records while HARVEY paces nervously.

JOYCE:

What about these 78’s, Harvey?

Can’t you sell them to one of those

collectors?

HARVEY:

Are ya kidding? No way, man. I

ain’t getting rid of my 78’s.

Joyce throws down the records in frustration. Harvey runs

over to check if they’re scratched.

JOYCE:

(angry)

Forget it then. I give up! How

can I make more storage space, if

you won’t get rid of anything?

HARVEY:

I’ll get rid of stuff. Just not my

good stuff.

JOYCE:

Everything’s your good stuff. How

am I supposed to live here, if

there’s no room for me?

HARVEY:

Aw come on, baby. I’ll make room

for ya. You just have to give me

time. I’m not so good at these

kind of things.

JOYCE:

That’s because you’re obsessive

compulsive Harvey.

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