American Splendor Page #11

A DOOR BUZZER rings. Harvey slams it to unlock the front.

HARVEY:

C’mon. I don’t wanna hear that

psychobabble crap!

59.

JOYCE:

I don’t care if you wanna hear it

or not. You’re the poster child

for the DSM III. I’ll have you

know that I come from a very

dysfunctional family. I can spot

personality disorders a mile

away...

A KNOCK ON THE DOOR interrupts their argument.

.

Joyce storms away to answer it.

ANGLE ON THE DOOR:

Joyce opens it to face a smiling TOBY -- dressed as usual in

a loud polyester fashion don’t. He talks in his strange

robotic voice and avoids all eye contact.

TOBY:

Hello Joyce. Is Harvey home?

Joyce turns to Harvey and points to Toby.

JOYCE:

Borderline autistic!

This scene shrinks into a square up in the corner. The next

few scenes (NEUROSIS MONTAGE) further divide up the full

screen like a comic book.

INT. CLEVELAND COMIC BOOK STORE - 1980’S - DAY

R. CRUMB leaps from behind an autograph table (where he’s

signing comics) to hop on the back of ZAFTIG BABE, who offers

him a piggy-back ride.

Joyce turns to Harvey.

JOYCE:

Polymorphously Perverse.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT - V.A. HOSPITAL - 1980’S - DAY

JOYCE picks up Harvey from work. HARVEY enters the car,

waving goodbye to the ranting MR. BOATS.

She points to Mr. Boats.

60.

JOYCE:

Paranoid Personality Disorder.

INT. HARVEY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

THE TELEPHONE RINGS. A disheveled, tired-looking JOYCE flips

through a novel and lets the machine pick up.

ANSWERING MACHINE

Please leave a message. (Beep)

HARVEY:

(into phone)

Hey Joyce, it’s me. You’re not

gonna believe this but some LA

producer called an’ he wants to do

a play about my life. Call me!

(Click)

Joyce flips the page.

JOYCE:

(to herself)

Delusions of grandeur.

END NEUROSIS MONTAGE (return to full screen)

CUT TO:

INT. THEATER - 1980’S - EVENING

HARVEY and JOYCE sit in a packed theater watching a play.

Joyce looks exhausted.

ANGLE ON STAGE:

A STAGE ACTOR HARVEY and a STAGE ACTOR JOYCE share a couch on

the sparse stage.

.

STAGE ACTOR HARVEY

See, I think comics can be an art

form. With pictures an’ words, a

guy can do pretty much anything!

STAGE ACTOR JOYCE

That’s true, Harvey. But I didn’t

come all the way from Delaware to

talk about comics ...

The “Stage Actor Joyce” lunges over and plants a kiss on him.

61.

ANGLE ON HARVEY AND JOYCE IN AUDIENCE

Harvey digs it but Joyce looks disgusted.

BACK TO STAGE:

We now see STAGE ACTOR HARVEY clutching a tea cup, as STAGE

ACTOR JOYCE kneels before a toilet bowl. Off to the side of

the stage, A SPOT LIGHT illuminates a GUITAR PLAYER, who adds

music to the scene.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY and JOYCE walk through the terminal. Harvey brims

with energy but Joyce looks exhausted.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

If ya think readin’ comics about

yer life seems strange, try

watchin’ a play about it. God only

knows how I’ll feel when I see this

movie. But truth be told, the play

wasn’t half bad, and we got a free

trip outta it. Things were goin’

pretty good for a change. VARIETY

called me “The Blue Collar Mark

Twain,” and Doubleday was

interested in publishing an

anthology of “American Splendor.”

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - BAGGAGE CLAIM - 1980’S - DAY

Harvey nervously taps his foot as he waits for the bags.

Joyce leans against the carousel staring at a YOUNG MOTHER

with a BABY in a Bjorn.

HARVEY:

I hate checkin’ bags, man. It

always takes forever.

He checks his watch. Joyce remains quiet and distant.

HARVEY (cont’d)

Jesus, look at the time. The bus

is gonna leave soon and there won’t

be another one for an hour.

62.

HARVEY(cont'd)

That means I gotta shell out an

extra thirty bucks for a cab.

Harvey spots a bag that he thinks is his.

HARVEY (cont’d)

Hey wait, there’s our -(

a well-dressed man grabs

it)

Figures. That lucky Yuppie’s gonna

get on the bus in time.

Suddenly, Joyce mumbles something to Harvey.

JOYCE:

Y’know Harvey, vasectomies are

reversible.

HARVEY:

(ignoring her)

Damn Yuppies get everything.

JOYCE:

(raising her voice)

Are you listening to me? I said

vasectomies are reversible.

Heads turn.

HARVEY:

What? Whattya talkin’ about? I

don’t want kids. An’ I came clean

about my vasectomy the first time I

set eyes on ya’, right here in this

airport.

More heads turn.

JOYCE:

I know but things have changed. I

think we can be a family.

HARVEY:

Family?! What kinda family could

we possibly be? I ain’t no good

with kids. I can barely take care

of myself.

JOYCE:

I’ll take care of the kid and you.

63.

HARVEY:

(dead serious)

No way Joyce. Forget it. I can’t

do it; I can’t have no kids.

Joyce folds her arms... dejected, defeated.

eavesdroppers looks disappointed as well.

The audience of

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

If the place was a disaster before, believe it or not, it’s

gotten worse. JOYCE seems to have given up on her

organizing... and everything else for that matter.

HARVEY hysterically searches through the mess for a record

album. Joyce just lies listlessly on an open futon on the

middle of the room; it looks as if she hasn’t been up in

days.

HARVEY:

Where the hell is that Ornette

Coleman album, Joyce? I got a

review due tomorrow.

Joyce rolls over.

JOYCE:

I didn’t touch it, Harvey. Would

you let me sleep?

.

HARVEY:

But it’s one o’clock! How late can

a person sleep?

Joyce sits up. This time she means business.

JOYCE:

It happens to be Saturday you

selfish sonofabitch! And don’t you

go telling me what to do. I’m the

one who moved into your city, into

your home, into your vasectomy and

into your screwed-up life. The

least you could do is allow me to

live here my way.

She rolls over and covers her head with the pillow. Harvey

just stands there staring at her.

CUT TO:

64.

INT. SUPERMARKET - 1980’S - DAY

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

I tried everything but nothin’

could get this woman outta bed.

HARVEY peruses the aisles. He pulls box upon box of herbal

tea off the shelves.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.) (cont’d)

I mean she wouldn’t get a job,

wouldn’t go out, wouldn’t make

friends, nothin’.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVEY’S LIVING ROOM - 1980’S - DAY

HARVEY throws boxes of herbal teas at JOYCE as she sprawls

listlessly on the futon. She just yawns and turns over on

her side.

REAL HARVEY (V.O.)

Joyce diagnosed herself as

“clinically depressed.” I don’t

know what the hell she was goin’

through but it was sure takin’ it’s

toll on me.

A frustrated Harvey tries once more to cheer her up.

HARVEY:

(upbeat)

We can go out for dinner tonight.

How ‘bout catching a bite at

Tommy’s?

JOYCE:

(mumbling)

I’m not hungry.

Harvey throws his hands in the air and walks off.

HARVEY:

I give up.

As he passes the answering machine, he notices it’s blinking.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes