American Wedding
1
Well, Michelle, we did it.
Happy graduation.
You know,
living at my parents' house,
that's a temporary thing.
We've been going out for,
what, three years.
You're not,
like, getting bored
with things, are you?
Michelle, I'm gonna
ask you something
that I've never
asked you before.
Is it kinky?
I don't think so. No.
You don't have
to be embarrassed
if you wanna
add more spiciness
to our relationship.
Actually,
maybe you could just,
you know,
use your napkin.
My napkin?
MAN:
Mr. Levenstein?Yes.
You have a phone call.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Hello?
Jim, it's Dad.
You left the ring at home.
The box is empty.
But I'm on my way,
and I've got the ring,
so don't panic, Son.
Okay? Bye.
(PHONE BEEPS OFF)
Who was that?
Uh...
That was my dad.
That was my dad.
He couldn't get through on...
I didn't answer my cell,
so he was
getting all worried.
You know how he is.
(STUTTERING)
But everything is okay now.
Everything is perfectly fine.
I think I know what
you're gonna ask me.
That's okay. I don't
have to use my napkin.
What?
I've got my own techniques.
Michelle, where you going?
Michelle?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Okay.
(BELT UNBUCKLES)
(GROANS)
Michelle. Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Michelle.
Psst!
I think you need to stop.
Okay, keep going.
(SHUDDERS)
Oh, my God. Michelle?
Michelle...
(MUMBLES)
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Well, I made it.
Where's Michelle? Washroom?
I was so nervous
she was gonna spot me.
Here's the ring, Son.
Oh!
Let me tell you something.
This is some ring.
Look at the rock
on this baby,
Mr. Big Spender.
I hope you
didn't blow your wad
on this, Son.
Not yet.
Your mother and I
could not be more thrilled
for you, Jim.
I mean, we're so happy.
And I know you're excited,
I can see it in your face.
I mean, you look like
you're ready to burst.
I mean, your cheeks,
they're flush.
I wish your mother
could be here.
Not me.
That's what I wish.
You know, this is one
of those moments, Jim,
that you're gonna remember
for the rest of your life.
Yes, it is.
You bet it is.
I cannot believe my son
is gonna pop the question.
(THUD)
What was that?
That?
Knocking on wood.
What is this...
Popping what? What question?
You're a wreck.
What?
You need some air.
You need some air.
Okay, walk me to my car.
No, I'm not walking...
Listen to me!
It's for your good.
(ALL GASPING)
Dad.
Oh! Son!
My pants!
Your penis!
I got my pants, Dad!
What the hell...
(GASPING)
Jeez! God, Dad.
Wear your pants.
I got the pants!
What are you doing?
He had abdominal cramps...
I can explain all this.
Everybody calm
down here, quiet!
Lower your voice.
Disgusting.
Now,
I came here to do something,
(SIGHS) and damn it,
I'm gonna do it.
Michelle?
(CROWD GASPING)
Hello, dear.
Michelle Annabeth Flaherty,
I love you
more than I could
ever explain
at this particular moment.
Dad, the ring.
Oh.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
My son.
I'm the happiest
man in the world.
(CROWD GASPING)
We should all be so happy.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Cheers. Gentlemen.
Sweetheart.
I'm impressed.
Marriage is a binding,
unifying, eternal,
never-ending,
permanent chaining
together of two people.
Jim, have you
thought this through?
Yes.
Finch, thank you.
I had been trying to
figure it out for a while.
You know,
when is the right time?
Then finally I realized,
"Duh, you love the girl.
Marry her."
Aw.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)
Oh! Let's dance.
Dance? No.
No, you have
to learn sometime.
Come on.
Don't laugh at me.
Yeah, okay.
Just glad that's not me.
Finch,
you don't think
there's one girl
you're destined
to spend your
entire life with?
They're all for me, Kevin.
Not so bad? All right.
Do this.
(GROANS)
I'm sorry.
The wedding should be
rather entertaining.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Bro, that's it?
There's no keg anywhere.
Jim.
Hey, John.
The food and
"F" for presentation.
The good news for you...
What's that?
We're gonna be
ushers at the wedding.
(SIGHS)
This is amazing.
I don't recognize half
the people in this place.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
At least they
all brought gifts.
Hello.
Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.
Oh! Hello!
Harold Flaherty.
Hi.
How lovely to meet you.
Please come in.
We've been expecting you.
How was your trip?
Delightful.
Who's excited
about the wedding?
Anxious might
be more accurate.
We've never met your son.
You'll get to meet him.
Rudy and Sam would
like to meet him, too.
Better bring them
in from the car.
They've been
cooped up for hours.
For heaven's sake.
You brought your sons?
Our dogs.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, honey, why don't
you go get those
critters out of the car
and we'll start
on some cocktails.
Thank you.
I'd love one.
Long trip?
I'll get the dogs.
There's one thing
that'll make this
wedding perfect.
No Stifler.
That's one dick
we are not inviting.
Motion seconded.
Motion carried.
So, Finch,
what are you gonna do with
I'll frame it.
Then I'll write my memoirs.
You should come
to law school, man.
You know I could
use the company.
Kids,
Michelle's parents are here.
Come on, we're waiting.
Oh, crumbs on the shirt.
That's bad.
Okay, that's fine.
I'll change. I'll change.
F***ers!
Well, polish my nuts
and serve me a milkshake.
What's up?
That's right.
Oh! Cake?
Hope it's good.
Oh, gee.
Thanks for inviting me
to the graduation party,
f***er.
(SCOFFS)
Oh! F***ing right, doggy.
That's good cake! Holy sh*t!
Hi. How are you?
Congratulations.
Hey...
(GIGGLES)
"Congratulation, Jism!"
Excuse me. Stifler?
Hey, Jim!
Stifler,
what are you doing here?
Okay, man...
Happy fuckday, assmouth!
Put the cake down.
Check it out.
I made it all by myself.
Cute.
What happened to my invite?
Got lost in the mail,
fuckface?
Quiet!
Bite yourself.
That's what I thought.
I think I can
spell "Cajun Rectum."
Seriously, man.
Oh, Jesus.
Damn it, Stifler.
Jim, look what you did!
Look what I did?
Look at this sh*t!
What am I supposed to do now?
Are you happy now, man?
Why are you here?
My dick looks like
a corn dog.
I got cake
all over my balls.
JIM'S MOM:
Jim, honey?Sh*t.
The Flahertys are waiting.
Do you think
he's upstairs, honey?
Oh, you're f***ed now, Jim.
(STIFLER CACKLES)
(GROWLING)
(BARKING)
Stifler, get up.
This dog's great!
Is it weird
that it feels good?
(LAUGHING)
All right...
I know you'll just love him.
Jesus, Stifler.
Stop enjoying it so much.
Lick it up!
You little sh*t.
Take your pants off, man.
(GASPING)
(SCREAMING)
Good Lord!
Oh, God!
Jim?
No, it's not
what it looks like.
What are you doing, Son?
My dogs!
Don't go in there, darling!
Lord knows what
they'll do to you!
I love this dog!
I was trying to
get him off, Dad.
That is your son?
Back away from the animal.
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"American Wedding" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/american_wedding_2721>.
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