American Wedding Page #2

Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty,

I presume.

STIFLER:
Where are you going?

Well, lunch is served.

I really hope (STUTTERING)

That we can all

just forget about this,

and move on, and start again.

Start again fresh.

Jim, if you hope to be

the provider and protector

for our firstborn daughter,

you have a long way to go.

Thank you, sir.

They think

you're an angel

and I'm just some

ungrateful dog rapist.

They just think they raised

the proper little band girl.

And, besides, sometimes

it's nice to be

more traditional.

How so? How do

you mean traditional?

I'm thinking

about the wedding.

How it's just this one day,

one day where

everyone's eyes are

on me for a change.

I've just never

walked into a room

and had everyone go,

"Ooh" and "Ah"

and "Isn't she elegant?"

That is exactly

how our wedding

is going to be.

I promise.

Sh*t. I got a frosted

ass crack. Hey, Finch?

You want this

for here or to go?

"A witty saying

proves nothing." Voltaire.

"Suck my dick." Ron Jeremy.

Boys, anybody seen

the bride's parents?

No? Hmm.

Wait a second.

Come on, Stifler.

This isn't

a graduation party.

It's time to go.

Wait, hold on!

Jim's getting married,

isn't he?

Holy f***ing sh*t!

This is major!

Do you have the slightest idea

how important this is?

We get to have

a bachelor party. Yes!

We celebrate the death of Jim

with a party in his honor.

Chicks and b*obs.

Tits and ass.

Titties, ta-tas,

casabas, bazoongas,

all up in our frigging faces!

Come on, buck up, fellows!

Show some enthusiasm!

It's gonna be f***ing great!

Oh, my God!

Finch,

he does make a good point.

Yeah, he does.

You never heard me say that.

I do not deserve

a girl this cool.

Michelle said the wedding

was doable, right?

A wedding. A wedding, yeah.

I promised her her wedding.

You know, the wedding

of her dreams.

Okay, what's the problem?

Dancing.

She's gonna want to dance.

There's that whole tradition.

The first dance

at the reception.

She is gonna wanna dance

Fred Astaire kind of sh*t.

I can't do that.

She learned all

that from band camp.

Okay, so you take lessons,

you know. Right away.

Lessons. Okay.

I have to convince

her parents that

I'm not a shithead.

Yeah, challenging.

Indeed challenging.

But doable. What else?

What else?

I don't know what else.

That's the thing.

She cares

too much to tell me.

She doesn't want me to worry

that she might be worried.

So I'm worried.

Recon.

You mean, like,

spying on Michelle?

Spying is deceitful.

Extra attention

means you're concerned.

This is true.

This is good.

Guys,

here's to the next step.

Shut up with that stepping.

Put your glass down.

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

We'll find a wonderful one

somewhere, I promise.

We'll keep looking.

Is everything okay here?

The study can get a little

chilly sometimes.

You have enough blankets?

We're fine. Thank you.

I was kind of hoping

that someday soon,

we could have a little talk.

I'd really like to tell you

why I think I'll make

a good husband,

whenever you get a chance.

Oh! Why is that?

Come on.

(DOG BARKS)

See, I was saying

that soon we could talk.

(STUTTERING)

This right now is sort

of the preliminary talk

before the future

longer talk,

which would be like a quiet,

a private dinner talk.

(YIPPING)

Let him finish.

(DOG PANTING)

(DOG YIPPING)

I'm talking to you.

(MRS. FLAHERTY SHUSHING)

Okay.

Good talking to you.

No. These aren't gonna work.

Wow!

You guys in

a sporting goods store.

Very good.

Hey, Finch,

I think they got your size.

Oh, beautiful.

Jim needs to learn to

dance for his wedding.

You know,

I think he's screwed.

Of course he's screwed.

He's getting married.

I can't wait to

see this disaster.

What makes you think

you're invited?

(SLURPING)

I already called up

Jim's mom. Got the info.

I'm preparing for

the festivities.

It's time for me to boom-boom

with the bridesmaids,

Finchfucker.

'Cause I'm gonna hang out

with my wang out.

And I'm gonna rock out

with my cock out!

Yeah, that's what

I'm talking about.

(LAUGHS)

JIM:
All right, Stifler.

This is a little

difficult to explain.

Look, you're okay.

You're okay.

I mean, I like you.

Yeah, great.

You can blow me

after practice.

I'm working, dude.

(YELLING)

Come on! Work it! Hustle!

See, my mom

didn't know that...

Push it! Move it! Come on!

There was a misunderstanding.

You're not invited!

Hold!

Dude, how the hell

do you even think

you're getting married?

I've been looking out

for your sex life

since high school.

You what?

Oh! Oh!

(LAUGHS)

The first tits

this guy ever saw

were because of me!

The first girl

he ever hooked up with

was at my party,

at my cottage!

That girl's

the girl he's marrying.

The Stiffman

showed him the way.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Hallelujah, Stifler!

But, my f***ers,

this mofo right here

does not want

the Stifmeister,

the Grand f***ing Facilitator

to attend the wedding.

Who sucks donkey dick?

Jim sucks donkey dick!

The answer's no, okay?

I'm sorry.

The answer's no.

I can dance.

What?

I can dance.

(ALL CONTINUE CHANTING)

STIFLER:

Five, six, seven, eight...

Okay. What exactly

is this here?

Left box turn.

Left box turn. Okay.

Hi. Stop looking

into my eyes.

Sorry. Sorry.

Now how do you know this?

How do you know

how to do this?

My mom made me take it

for three f***in' years.

Yeah?

I hated it.

No, you're really good.

You should take

ballet or something.

Fuckface!

What part of

"this sucks my ass"

do you not

under-f***in'-stand?

This is exactly

what I'm talking about,

Steven.

You can't behave like this.

If you wanna

come to the wedding,

I'm sorry,

you cannot act like this.

Are you saying

I'm impolite or something?

Impolite would

be an improvement.

Look, just try not to be,

you know, you.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

F*** this sh*t.

It's not worth it.

Wait, Stifler. Hold on.

Okay, what if you planned

the bachelor party?

With a dildo show?

Sure. If you can

find the time to fit it in,

go ahead.

Surprise me.

Sorry, chief.

It only gets

you halfway there.

What do you mean?

I need assurances that

I'm gonna get some quality

action at this wedding.

(STUTTERING) I'm sorry,

I can't make that promise.

Well, let me put it

to you this way, Jimbo.

No p*ssy, no dancing. Okay?

No p*ssy, no dancing.

How's that for polite?

(RAZZING)

(CACKLES)

Jim, your suspicions

are confirmed.

Michelle wants a dress

that she can't get.

The dress she wants is Amsale.

They have a store in Chicago.

If we leave right now,

we can get there by

the time they close.

It's a three-hour drive.

STIFLER:

Three-hour drive?

Kick f***ing ass!

Are we going to Chicago

to see titties?

We are talking about

getting Michelle

a dress in Chicago.

Now, please vanish.

Hey, Finch, what's

the capital of Thailand?

Bang cock.

(LAUGHS)

Dude...

Okay, I got shotgun.

(GROANING)

STIFLER:
Let's get this

dress sh*t over with.

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