American Wedding

1

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, Michelle, we did it.

Happy graduation.

You know,

living at my parents' house,

that's a temporary thing.

We've been going out for,

what, three years.

You're not,

like, getting bored

with things, are you?

Michelle, I'm gonna

ask you something

that I've never

asked you before.

Is it kinky?

I don't think so. No.

You don't have

to be embarrassed

if you wanna

add more spiciness

to our relationship.

Actually,

maybe you could just,

you know,

use your napkin.

My napkin?

MAN:
Mr. Levenstein?

Yes.

You have a phone call.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello?

Jim, it's Dad.

You left the ring at home.

The box is empty.

But I'm on my way,

and I've got the ring,

so don't panic, Son.

Okay? Bye.

(PHONE BEEPS OFF)

Who was that?

Uh...

That was my dad.

That was my dad.

He couldn't get through on...

I didn't answer my cell,

so he was

getting all worried.

You know how he is.

(STUTTERING)

But everything is okay now.

Everything is perfectly fine.

I think I know what

you're gonna ask me.

That's okay. I don't

have to use my napkin.

What?

I've got my own techniques.

Michelle, where you going?

Michelle?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay.

(BELT UNBUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Michelle. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Michelle.

Psst!

I think you need to stop.

Okay, keep going.

(SHUDDERS)

Oh, my God. Michelle?

Michelle...

(MUMBLES)

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Well, I made it.

Where's Michelle? Washroom?

I was so nervous

she was gonna spot me.

Here's the ring, Son.

Oh!

Let me tell you something.

This is some ring.

Look at the rock

on this baby,

Mr. Big Spender.

I hope you

didn't blow your wad

on this, Son.

Not yet.

Your mother and I

could not be more thrilled

for you, Jim.

I mean, we're so happy.

And I know you're excited,

I can see it in your face.

I mean, you look like

you're ready to burst.

I mean, your cheeks,

they're flush.

I wish your mother

could be here.

Not me.

That's what I wish.

You know, this is one

of those moments, Jim,

that you're gonna remember

for the rest of your life.

Yes, it is.

You bet it is.

I cannot believe my son

is gonna pop the question.

(THUD)

What was that?

That?

Knocking on wood.

What is this...

Popping what? What question?

You're a wreck.

What?

You need some air.

You need some air.

Okay, walk me to my car.

No, I'm not walking...

Listen to me!

It's for your good.

(ALL GASPING)

Dad.

Oh! Son!

My pants!

Your penis!

I got my pants, Dad!

What the hell...

(GASPING)

Jeez! God, Dad.

Wear your pants.

I got the pants!

What are you doing?

He had abdominal cramps...

I can explain all this.

Everybody calm

down here, quiet!

Lower your voice.

Disgusting.

Now,

I came here to do something,

(SIGHS) and damn it,

I'm gonna do it.

Michelle?

(CROWD GASPING)

Hello, dear.

Michelle Annabeth Flaherty,

I love you

more than I could

ever explain

at this particular moment.

Dad, the ring.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

My son.

I'm the happiest

man in the world.

(CROWD GASPING)

We should all be so happy.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Cheers. Gentlemen.

Sweetheart.

I'm impressed.

Marriage is a binding,

unifying, eternal,

never-ending,

permanent chaining

together of two people.

Jim, have you

thought this through?

Yes.

Finch, thank you.

I had been trying to

figure it out for a while.

You know,

when is the right time?

Is there a right time?

Then finally I realized,

"Duh, you love the girl.

Marry her."

Aw.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Oh! Let's dance.

Dance? No.

No, you have

to learn sometime.

Come on.

Don't laugh at me.

Yeah, okay.

Just glad that's not me.

Finch,

you don't think

there's one girl

you're destined

to spend your

entire life with?

They're all for me, Kevin.

Not so bad? All right.

Do this.

(GROANS)

I'm sorry.

The wedding should be

rather entertaining.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Bro, that's it?

There's no keg anywhere.

Jim.

Hey, John.

The food and

the drink are really bad.

"F" for presentation.

The good news for you...

What's that?

We're gonna be

ushers at the wedding.

(SIGHS)

This is amazing.

I don't recognize half

the people in this place.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

At least they

all brought gifts.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.

Oh! Hello!

Harold Flaherty.

Hi.

How lovely to meet you.

Please come in.

We've been expecting you.

How was your trip?

Delightful.

Who's excited

about the wedding?

Anxious might

be more accurate.

We've never met your son.

You'll get to meet him.

Rudy and Sam would

like to meet him, too.

Better bring them

in from the car.

They've been

cooped up for hours.

For heaven's sake.

You brought your sons?

Our dogs.

We never travel without them.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, honey, why don't

you go get those

critters out of the car

and we'll start

on some cocktails.

Thank you.

I'd love one.

Long trip?

I'll get the dogs.

There's one thing

that'll make this

wedding perfect.

No Stifler.

That's one dick

we are not inviting.

Motion seconded.

Motion carried.

So, Finch,

what are you gonna do with

that fancy NYU diploma?

I'll frame it.

Then I'll write my memoirs.

You should come

to law school, man.

You know I could

use the company.

Kids,

Michelle's parents are here.

Come on, we're waiting.

Oh, crumbs on the shirt.

That's bad.

Okay, that's fine.

I'll change. I'll change.

F***ers!

Well, polish my nuts

and serve me a milkshake.

What's up?

That's right.

Oh! Cake?

Hope it's good.

Oh, gee.

Thanks for inviting me

to the graduation party,

f***er.

(SCOFFS)

Oh! F***ing right, doggy.

That's good cake! Holy sh*t!

Hi. How are you?

Congratulations.

Hey...

(GIGGLES)

"Congratulation, Jism!"

Excuse me. Stifler?

Hey, Jim!

Stifler,

what are you doing here?

Okay, man...

Happy fuckday, assmouth!

Put the cake down.

Check it out.

I made it all by myself.

Cute.

What happened to my invite?

Got lost in the mail,

fuckface?

Quiet!

Bite yourself.

That's what I thought.

I think I can

spell "Cajun Rectum."

Seriously, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Damn it, Stifler.

Jim, look what you did!

Look what I did?

Look at this sh*t!

What am I supposed to do now?

Are you happy now, man?

Why are you here?

My dick looks like

a corn dog.

I got cake

all over my balls.

JIM'S MOM:
Jim, honey?

Sh*t.

The Flahertys are waiting.

Do you think

he's upstairs, honey?

Oh, you're f***ed now, Jim.

(STIFLER CACKLES)

(GROWLING)

(BARKING)

Stifler, get up.

This dog's great!

Is it weird

that it feels good?

(LAUGHING)

All right...

What about the dining room?

I know you'll just love him.

Jesus, Stifler.

Stop enjoying it so much.

Lick it up!

You little sh*t.

Take your pants off, man.

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

Good Lord!

Oh, God!

Jim?

No, it's not

what it looks like.

What are you doing, Son?

My dogs!

Don't go in there, darling!

Lord knows what

they'll do to you!

I love this dog!

I was trying to

get him off, Dad.

That is your son?

Back away from the animal.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes