American Wedding Page #3

The strip bar's

got free hot wings

before 7:
00.

Now, Jim, let me handle this.

These are my people.

They're gay?

No, you bleeding imbecile,

they have style.

They're cultured.

They're sophisticated.

So they're gay.

So, mademoiselle,

I'm sure that

you can appreciate

that monsieur here

is stuck right between

Scylla and Charybdis.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, I'm afraid

he's no Ulysses.

Okay, what's happening here?

You need to speak

to my dressmaker.

That's who would

actually make the dress,

and I'm afraid Leslie

has gone for the day.

All right, she said

she'd probably be at

one of these bars

here on Halstead.

I say we split up, ask around

for a Leslie Summers.

Right.

Hey there,

sweet little thing.

Hey there,

you sweet manly thing.

You know,

I really love your shirt.

Do I know you?

I'm Jennifer.

Well, Jennifer,

just relax, take it slow,

and let the good times roll,

because Daddy's

a regular here!

Do you wanna get a drink?

You're goddamn right I do.

(WHOOPS)

Two cold ones.

You know, my friend would

really dig your vibe.

Will you wait here?

Sure thing, babe.

Good.

All right.

How you feeling, sexy?

Pretty good.

Whoa! You have a deep voice.

That's not all.

(LAUGHS)

Oh! Right.

You look

really cute tonight.

Thanks. I guess.

What the...

(SMACKS)

Oh, hey!

Feeling a little frisky?

Oh!

Game over.

What's happening here?

Hey. Any luck?

Not so much.

All right, let's...

This is Bear.

Hey!

Wow, you are a bear.

(BOTH ROAR)

Yeah.

(BARKS)

How much you bench?

How much you weigh?

Why? You wanna try

and pick me up?

Yeah, I think I could.

Yeah, I bet you could.

You are big.

I could use a guy

like you on my team.

Are you talking

about our team?

Or an actual team?

What the hell is "our team"?

Hi, where's the girl?

(GASPS) What the f***

are we talking about?

You need to take

another look around.

You look fabulous!

Hey, honey.

Oh, my God.

What the f*** is going on?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on,

is that all you've got?

(GASPS)

P*ssy!

I must have came

to the wrong place.

Stifler.

Stifler.

Oh, man.

Hey.

It's so good to see you.

How did you get up the nerve

to check out a gay bar?

Really don't wanna

talk about it right now.

I just wanna go home.

Your friend here

was just leaving.

Eat sh*t.

Did you find Leslie?

F*** your stupid dressmaker.

You guys know Leslie Summers?

We're trying to find her.

You know what?

I think you guys

are out of luck.

Why don't you go home?

No. You know Leslie Summers?

He knows her.

My friends and I,

we just drove

all the way from Michigan

to find my fiance

the wedding dress

that she deserves.

We need Leslie

to make it for us.

Can you please

help us find her?

I'm sure Leslie always helps

associates of a**holes.

What are you looking at?

I'm not a steak.

Listen, breeder,

not every gay man wants

to have sex with you.

Yeah? Listen up, ass jockey.

If I were gay, you'd want me!

Really?

Really.

I got style. I'm cultured.

I'm sophisticated.

And all that just radiates

from your oh-so-sexy self.

That's bullshit.

Everyone wants a piece

of the Stifmeister.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, right!

Without a doubt.

I'll show you f***ers.

Bye.

Everybody say bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Good luck with the dress.

Give us a drink.

(SONG CHANGES)

(OMINOUS SYNTHESIZED MUSIC)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

Mother of God.

B*tch!

(SONG CHANGES)

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

What is this, a dance-off?

Oh, yeah?

(SONG CHANGES)

(ALL CHEERING)

I love you!

What?

Fabulous. Seeing that

was worth anything.

Look, I'm Leslie Summers

and you've got yourself

a dress.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

Say, who's your friend?

(STUTTERS) Kevin.

Was that the best

night ever or what?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, it was amazing.

Hey, guys!

When you get your

bachelor party together,

I manage some girls in town.

Real ones.

All right.

Call me.

Damn, Stiffy,

you got some moves.

I told you that guy

wanted to f*** me.

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe this.

They're really gonna

make the dress for me?

They're expecting your call.

Go ahead.

This is so cool.

I love you.

Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Well, that worked out.

Maybe it's time

we had that special

dinner chat.

I'll have turkey.

Thanks for helping out.

We're so close

and there's still

so much to do.

Cadence!

Hey!

Hi!

Cadence, this is Paul Finch.

Finch, meet my

younger sister, Cadence.

Nice to meet you.

You're reading Descartes.

Yeah. Cogito ergo sum.

"I think, therefore I am."

Hungry.

So, when's Mark getting in?

Let's see.

That would be never.

Did you guys break up?

How tragic.

Sorry, Paul Finch.

Girl stuff.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING)

Just stay calm.

I'm available,

she's available.

It's all good.

She's a beautiful girl,

and you're you.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

MICHELLE:
Spill it, sister.

What's the problem?

I dumped him.

But it was Mark.

I thought you really

liked him. He was nice.

Yeah, but sometimes

nice isn't so nice.

Wait. Hold on.

Let me get this straight.

He didn't want to do it.

He said he didn't

want to ruin what we had

by deflowering ourselves.

Who the hell uses

the word "deflower"?

(MICHELLE GROANS)

It's like

something Mom would say.

Yeah.

And I'm starting to realize

Mom and Dad's idea of

appropriate behavior

might be a little bit

different than mine.

Mish, you're in love.

Shh.

You're getting married.

I mean, what's this like?

It's like it's...

I'm never going to

be able to explain it.

I wanted us to

write our own vows

for the wedding

and now I can't do mine.

How do you explain love?

I guess I wouldn't know.

I don't think

I've ever felt

that way about a guy.

Someday you will.

Maybe.

But in the meantime,

I don't think it would hurt

to get a little

rowdy this weekend.

Jim's got

single friends, right?

Is Finch a possibility?

Finch is bonable.

Yes, he is bonable.

(THUD)

(WATER SLOSHING)

D*ckhead. Do not send sh*t

to my office at school.

Hey, Stifler, why don't

you come in and make

yourself comfortable?

Your letter made

a great impression

on Coach Marshall

when he read it.

Let me refresh

your memory, partner.

"Dear Steve, I will

be forever in your debt

if you teach me to dance

"like you did

in the gay bar."

I put serious thought

into that letter.

Don't push me,

'cause I'm close to the edge.

I'm trying not

to lose my head.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(LAUGHS)

CADENCE:
These are really

nice for a bridesmaid dress.

At least something

you can actually wear again.

You don't think

it's too sexy, do you?

I mean, I don't want to seem

slutty or anything.

I'm trying to

attract a decent guy here.

MICHELLE:
It's a wedding.

They'll all be decent guys.

I just don't feel

quite like a virgin in it.

Oh!

So, you guys

have to be psyched

to be done with college.

I mean, I swear,

I'm running out of room

in my brain for everything.

There's always room

for Plato and Aristotle.

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