American Wedding Page #4

Some of my favorites.

Excuse me, guys.

Finch, she thinks

you were being sarcastic.

STIFLER:
Okay.

It's so good to see you.

You want some help?

Here, let me help

you out there.

There you go.

You keep fighting

the good fight, sir.

That's great.

That was really

sweet of you.

Yeah.

I love old people, you know?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, I hate to be

nosy and impolite,

but do you know

Jim Levenstein

and Michelle Flaherty?

Yeah.

Are they here?

Well, I'm Cadence,

Michelle's sister.

I had no idea. I'm their

good friend, Steven.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

Well, they're around town

doing some wedding stuff.

That's cool.

But there's still a few

of us in the other room

if you want to join us.

I don't know.

You look so nice.

I feel underdressed.

Well, I think you look great.

Thank you.

Oh, here they are.

Hi, boys.

Don't stand up.

The dads aren't here yet?

I'll go find them.

Which one of you

is the best man?

Jim didn't pick just one.

Or I mean,

he couldn't decide.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Kevin.

CADENCE:
Mom,

I want you to meet Steven.

He's friends

of Jim's and mine

and everyone's.

You look

very familiar, Steven.

Really? I'm afraid

we've never met.

Oh.

Well, we have now.

Oh!

Looks like you

found Samantha's Sweets.

Oh!

Isn't their

chocolate just to die for?

You have no idea.

Actually, I do.

I love chocolate

more than...

More than life itself!

I was just

saying to your friends

I have something

very precious here.

What is it?

Michelle's grandmother's,

my mother's, wedding ring.

Isn't that precious?

Since all of you

are the best man,

I don't know

who should hold onto it.

I think it's best if I...

Oh, um...

I think you

should get to know us

first and then decide.

You are such

a gentleman, Steve.

I hear that all the time,

but it never gets old.

Hey, Paul,

do you have a camera?

How thoughtful.

(MOUTHING)

I must've forgotten

my camera at home, Steven.

Maybe you could take,

like, a mental note.

(CHUCKLES)

I won't forget this moment.

I'll bet you won't.

Would you care to

join us, Steven?

I'd love to. Thank you.

Good to see you fellows.

Thank you.

(MOUTHING)

STIFLER:
Oh, amazing.

What the hell is he doing

near my flowers?

I love the way

the tulips accentuate the...

What do you call

those again, sir?

Double lisianthus.

Lisianthus.

Double lisianthums.

What a pretty name.

(CHUCKLING)

I told him to be nice,

or he couldn't come

to the wedding.

Okay,

I will take care of this.

I will take care of this.

James. Great.

Come on over.

Great, come on over.

You can see

if I forgot anything.

I don't think I... Oh!

We're having a great time.

I think I've got it all.

Look, look, look.

Sahara and

desert rose for

(MOUTHING)

Your bridesmaids' bouquet.

Give me that. Smell this.

It's fantastic.

Fantastic. And... Oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(SQUEALS)

Look at this!

(LAUGHING)

Let's go look at

the candelabrum, honey.

I think with

the summer blossoms...

Thank you for everything.

What'd you think, girls?

Isn't this adorable?

Bye, Cadence.

Okay, I know

what you're doing. Look,

have you seen yourself?

I can't believe

you're doing this, Stifler.

Just calm down, dude.

It's all set.

What's set?

I'm gonna teach you

to dance like

a Baryshninikov.

Oh, yeah.

He is pretty good.

Jim, he's not

doing it to be nice.

He's doing it

to bone Cadence.

Look, maybe we should

give him a chance.

You know, I think

that underneath

all the "fucks" and "shits"

and "blow me's"

there's a very

sensitive person

who is just

thirsty for acceptance.

That's what I think.

Oh, Jim, you've got

to stop masturbating.

It's melting your brain.

Observe

the f***ing Stifmeister.

What is his

defining characteristic?

He uses the "F"

word excessively.

Thanks, man.

But I also have confidence.

You're one big floppy cock.

Look at you.

You got to stand

like a man.

Your posture tells

your partner where to go.

Okay?

Okay.

Follow my lead.

This is the waltz.

Waltz? Okay.

Waltz. Okay.

That's pretty good.

You're f***ing right

it's good.

I'm gonna save your ass

in this wedding.

Pretty soon you're gonna

want me to shave your balls.

Should I shave my balls?

Do you shave your balls?

How do you do it?

Dude! No.

(STUTTERS)

I'm just... Shaving...

You know, there's

nothing like a local pub.

Mmm-hmm.

It's like real America,

without all

that corporateness

and catchy jingles.

What's wrong

with a good jingle?

I think it was

Voltaire who said,

"A jingle witty

proves everything

for my friends and I."

(CHUCKLES)

Cadence, I didn't know

you were gonna be here.

You're just in time for

Voltaire's greatest hits.

Voltaire? Stifler, please,

who was Voltaire?

Someone much wiser than you,

I'm afraid, Finch.

Actually, I'm getting

a little burned out on all

the intellectual stuff.

Yeah, me, too.

Being smart is so hard.

(CHUCKLING)

I'll give you

some intelligence.

Voltaire can suck

on my balls.

What?

It's about time somebody

finally came out and said it.

Hey, I'm gonna give you

a quote to live by.

"Love life, get paid,

and then get laid."

That is the basic philosophy

of the Finchmeister.

I like that.

(MOUTHING)

Bet you do.

Really? I don't know

why you do,

because

Finchmeister doesn't make

any frigging sense.

Sure it does.

No f***ing sh*t it does.

Cadence, let's leave

the cray-ton here, shall we?

Whatever. F*** it.

I'm walking, anyway.

You know, I think

I'm gonna go stretch my legs

with the Finchmeister.

You don't mind,

do you, Steven?

No.

Ha!

(HUFFING)

It's on like

Donkey Kong, b*tch.

Pack it up, b*tch.

I'm on it. Thank you.

So, Cadence say

anything about me?

Whatever you and

Finch are pulling,

she seems to like you both.

Finch. She gonna be around

tomorrow night?

No, she's going up to

Chicago with Michelle

for the final dress fitting.

What about her parents?

I think her mom

kind of likes me.

They're going up north

with my parents

to get things ready

for the rehearsal.

So that's where they'll be.

So don't bother

looking for them

or anything, you know?

A wedding. (SCOFFS) Sh*t.

How do you know

she's the right girl?

I just do.

I'm a better person

when I'm with Michelle.

Nobody else can...

No, shithead.

You hooked up with

one other girl for what?

10 seconds?

Not to mention

you passed on Nadia.

Dumbest f***ing thing ever.

You're like

a blind man picking

out his favorite porno.

That sh*t is crazy.

JIM'S DAD:

This is just the old

pre-wedding jitters, Son.

JIM:
It's so forever.

You know, it's...

You know,

Michelle is the only girl

that I've been with.

Honestly, now,

would you have passed up

sex with Nadia?

Why? Did she say something?

Hypothetically, Dad.

Hypothetically. Well,

you know, Jim,

I'm a married man.

If you weren't married.

She's a college girl.

If you were a college guy.

In a heartbeat.

Oh, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

First of all,

what you're feeling

is so normal

and perfectly natural.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes