American Wedding Page #5

Marriage is not about

animal lusting,

and kinky sex games.

It's not so much about

who's the dog and

who's the fire

hydrant tonight.

It's deeper than that.

The longer a marriage lasts,

the longer you can go

without sex.

But when that

magic night does happen,

it's all

the more meaningful.

Let me tell you,

your mother, bless her,

can still make me

squeal like a pig.

I mean that

in the good sense.

Do you follow

what I'm saying?

You understand

where I'm going here?

I do. I think...

Anything else you need?

No. No. That's...

Anything I can do.

He's not here.

Park the cars down there

where he won't see them.

Whoo!

F***ing right!

So, you like

my pants, Stiffy?

Whatever, dude.

As long as the girls

are worth it.

They're worth it.

Oh! And if you got

good wine, too,

that'll score

points for you.

I think there's

some in the basement.

I'll get it. You ain't

gonna want to miss this.

(LAUGHING)

Gentlemen,

I would like to introduce

Officer Krystal

und Frulein Brandi!

FINCH:
Oh, my God.

(STIFLER EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God.

You boys have

been very messy.

Whoops.

Can you see my fanny?

Whoops. (GIGGLES)

Oh!

(MOANS)

(STIFLER WHOOPS)

(YELPS)

Oh!

Ow!

You naughty girl.

(GIGGLES)

None of that

pleading the Fifth crap.

You boys are gonna talk.

(STUTTERS)

STIFLER:
Wow! (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!

Are you just gonna

stand there and drool?

Or we gonna have

a bachelor party?

F***, yeah, we are!

Yeah?

Yeah.

What? I can't hear you.

Louder!

(STUTTERS)

Yes.

Bachelor party.

I can't hear you. Louder!

Stick a finger in my ass!

(GASPS)

That's weird.

You just wait.

Maybe we should

just wait for Jim.

F*** Jim, man!

This is for us!

Take her top off.

My girlfriend has

strict rules about this.

No touching.

(GROANING)

What are you,

a dancing clown?

You wipe that sh*t-eating grin

off your face,

you punk-ass little b*tch!

This is awesome!

You like that?

Like it? How much? No!

Yeah, I do.

Boob.

Sorry.

No, not yet.

But you will be.

Like I said,

this is awesome.

Hey, listen,

I think we both know

that Officer Krystal and me

have this, you know...

Thing?

Yeah.

No one has ever

slapped my ass like that.

No one's ever

pinched my nipple

with such ferocity.

I'm a master of

the Tantric art.

I look at her

body and I just see

the chakras and the things

I could do to her and...

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(GRUNTS)

You, you look cute.

Oh, thank you.

You, you're the cute one.

Stiffy, how slimming is this?

What the f***,

Buffalo Bill?

What? The pink too much?

It puts

the dress in the drawer

and does as it's told.

Oh, dude,

now that's f***ed up.

That's f***ed up.

And in closing,

you have been a naughty,

naughty girl.

(CACKLES)

You been naughty, Brandi?

You been f***ing naughty?

Fresh.

(SCREAMS)

Take her top off!

Will you get to cleaning,

you little b*tch f***er.

(SCREAMS)

Do you want to

see us kiss?

F***, no!

None of that "you go,

we go" bullshit.

STIFLER:

We've already done that.

FINCH:
Good of you.

I used to have

this pet bass.

His name was Arnie,

and he was so cute

and he just loved me,

too, you know.

He would look at me...

Maybe you

could dance.

...make this

face like...

Or something like that.

I don't know.

It was great.

I miss Arnie, but...

Sometimes I watch

the Discovery Channel.

I love that show.

I don't care!

Could you just

dance for me, please?

No, that's my favorite...

Well, was my favorite shirt.

Okay...

Hey.

What?

Nothing.

It's a crazy party, huh?

You don't worry about him.

You don't worry about him.

He's a maniac.

You're a maniac,

you know that?

(MUFFLED SHOUTS)

Stifler, why in the world

are you focused on me?

I'm just surprised to

see you don't have tits.

How can I clean you

if you are not dirty?

Go put something on

that I must clean off

with my tongue.

Oh!

Anything for a French person.

If you insist, frulein.

Ah!

Look at you,

you pathetic

little weasel.

Can't I just watch?

Look, you don't have to

do anything

if you don't want to.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hold on!

Don't break character

ever again, okay?

I don't care

if Kevin starts crying

because Finch

bit his cock off.

You're a dirty cop,

you're a prissy maid.

And I'm your filthy cabana boy

in need of

punishment and cleaning.

Don't you ever mouth

off to Officer Krystal,

you dirty little pervert!

Okay.

Now obey!

I obey!

Jesus.

Hey, guys,

are we having dinner?

Let me get that.

Holy sh*t!

Stifler.

I've got something really nice

cooking up for you inside.

Well, we love surprises.

Stifler, you said

you spoke to Jim.

I did. I was secret

about it and everything.

He said he'd be

the only one here tonight.

What the f***,

Shitbreak?

It's chocolate.

I told everyone that

you were up north

with my parents.

So we won't be bothered.

We can just totally relax.

No worries.

(MARY CHUCKLES)

Please come on in.

Make yourselves at home.

Right this way.

Thank you.

(GASPS)

What?

Pink roses.

JIM:
Pink roses.

They're nice, aren't they?

Yes, artificial. Nice try.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I almost got you.

So, has Michelle ever

told you the story of how

we fell in love?

Why don't you retell us now?

It's one of

my favorite stories.

Where should I begin?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Let's see...

Well, I suppose it

all started at...

Tall Oaks.

That's right. At Tall Oaks.

That was the summer

when... Oh!

Oh! The summer

that was so hot!

So hot.

All right, look what I got.

Jesus!

Hey, there.

Guy, there!

Jim, I cannot believe you.

You can't?

You hired help

on our account. That is

entirely unnecessary.

But I will have

some of that wine, sir.

Say please, Harold.

Please. Of course.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)

Absolutely.

It's what he's here for.

The wine. Obviously.

Evidently.

What else would

you be here for?

And I certainly appreciate

your courtesy, sir.

Yes, we have right here

a 1999 Cabernet Say-vun-nun.

Full-bodied, masculine wine.

Just shouts sophistication.

James?

Yes?

I can see

you're very surprised

to see me here.

Little bit.

I'm going to go

check on the dogs.

Yes! In fact why don't

you both go check

on the dogs and...

No! Don't check on the dogs.

They're fine.

How do you know?

Because I just

checked on the dogs.

Because he

checked on the dogs.

I did.

Good work, man.

Jim, I'll help

you with the turkey.

Okay.

And I'll keep

you company.

Thank you.

So, how long have you been

a sommelier, Mister...

Belvedere, ma'am.

Belvedere.

It's chilly in here.

So, how long do we

have to stay in here for?

I don't know.

They said to hide.

I guess we'll just

wait for them to call us.

Who knows what

kind of kinky sh*t

they're getting ready for.

Do these go in your

ass tonight, or mine?

You have

a serving dish ready?

Jim, we need

a serving dish.

Hmm?

Oh! Yeah, of course.

Oh!

What?

Nothing.

Then why the excitement?

I thought the dish

was broken.

Well, is it?

No.

Then are you

going to get it?

Yes.

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