American Wedding Page #6

Here you go.

One serving dish.

Excellent. Now what we need:

A cutting board.

No, stop!

What?

I will get it for you.

Nonsense,

I can get a cutting board.

Let's see, there you go.

This should do nicely.

I presume

we're having white wine

with the turkey.

Let me go check.

(MARY CHUCKLES)

What happened here?

JIM:
Oh, um...

That's mud.

I meant to clean

that up this morning.

How embarrassing.

That's gonna stain.

We're gonna need a mop.

I'll get it.

It's in this closet.

No.

No, it's not.

It's in there.

It's not in this closet,

because I moved it.

Where? I'll go get it.

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

You know why

I don't remember

is because I actually

did not move it.

The cleaning lady did.

Your mother said

you don't have

a cleaning lady.

I don't know why

she would say such a...

You called, master?

Holy...

Well, there you are. Hello.

How do you do?

Uh...

So, cleaning lady,

we were wondering

where the mop was.

Master put

the mop in my fanny.

You what?

Who put what where?

I did no such thing anywhere.

Shall I clean?

(GIGGLES)

Harold!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(SIGHS)

Very well.

It is so hot in here!

(SCREAMS)

Holy Jesus!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SCREAMS)

Brandi, Brandi,

what are you doing?

You're not in

Eastern Europe anymore.

You can't do that.

I am so sorry

about my cousin.

She's not used to

our customs.

Jim, I apologize

for recommending her to you.

Here's this, by the way.

Ah!

Got the mop.

Brandi,

you left the mop

in the car.

Now remember,

it's called a car,

not a fanny.

Remember last time

when you wanted me

to take a ride

in your fanny.

(LAUGHS)

BRANDl:

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

You know what?

We should

probably just go.

I'm so sorry about this.

I came by to

make sure everything

was in order.

The food smells great.

BRANDl:
Au revoir.

Jim, you have

unique friends.

Harold!

Let's get that

cleaned up.

I think I saw some

Pine-Sol in here, too.

(SCREAMS)

My gosh!

Baby, Mary and Joseph.

Oh, my Lord!

He's okay.

Are you all right?

(MUFFLED RESPONSE)

Who did this to you?

I'm sure he's okay.

You okay?

Get some help!

Harold, call the police!

All right!

Jesus.

I'll take charge

from here!

My God, they are fast here.

And nicely attired.

What's going on here?

She's here to

protect and serve.

Quiet!

Okay.

Who let this boy

out of the closet?

(STUTTERS)

You are all in for

a hard punishment now.

Don't you touch him!

He's been hurt.

No. This is hurt!

You can't do that.

Silence, f***er!

Ow!

You like it.

Oh!

Harold,

what's gotten into you?

I meant... Ow!

Dirty whore.

Shut your hole. Obey!

(SCREAMING)

HAROLD:

You can't do that.

You're a disgrace

to the police force.

I'll be giving you

an enema!

Hey, somebody untie me!

Wait, not the face.

Back off!

All right, forget it.

We give up.

Steven!

It's okay, Mary.

What's going on?

Listen,

this isn't working, guys.

Krystal, you can drop the act.

This isn't a real cop.

Kevin wasn't assaulted.

I just wanted to

make Jim look good

for you guys.

Like a real hero.

Kind of like me.

We hired a fake cop,

tied up Kevin,

and put him in the closet.

Jim was supposed to

rescue him, untie him,

give him mouth-to-mouth.

I don't know

what he likes to do.

Then Paul Finch

hired an exotic dancer

instead of a real actor.

Jim, is this true?

Every word of it.

That is the stupidest idea

I have ever heard.

You've embarrassed me, Harold,

and Mr. Belvedere.

What?

It's all my fault.

I'm a bad person.

Oh! You're not a bad person.

You were just

trying to help out

your best friend.

It was an awful idea,

but I suppose

it's the thought that counts.

You know, actually,

(STAMMERING)

I never should have allowed

such a crazy plan to

happen in the first place.

If you're gonna

blame anybody here,

blame me.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I didn't realize

how much pressure

we put on you.

I'm sure you both

learned your lesson,

and I suppose I understand.

Jim, if you put

half as much energy

into your marriage

as you put into tonight,

I'm confident that I can

give you my blessing.

And, Steven,

we still adore you, honey.

In fact, I think I know

who should hold onto this.

We adore you.

You'll take good care of it.

You've got to

be kidding me.

No.

Lookit, Jim, Kevin.

Boy, this really makes me

important to the wedding.

MARY:
Yes.

Well, Mr. Belvedere,

it's gonna be one

f***ed-up wedding.

Absolutely.

Drive carefully.

More bags in the study.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ow!

Is there

any room for me?

Nope.

I'll just drive up

north all by myself.

That sounds good.

We'll see you later.

No, I'll drive with you.

Thanks, Cadence.

Beautiful lady.

Hey... I know. Shut up.

Kevin!

So, my mom found

the dogs playing

with something

unusual this morning.

What?

I told her it was

a neck massager.

These are great.

He's hilarious.

Yes.

That kind of thing

is so lethargic to me.

What do you mean?

I'm not sure.

Mr. Stifler,

I already told you

you called two days ago

and canceled

your reservation.

Since you now

wish to stay here,

I thought you could persuade

Mr. Finch to share his room.

Hey, Shithead, I didn't

cancel my reservation.

Mr. Fuckface Finch

called here.

And Mr. Idiot Behind

the Desk canceled it.

Christof, please pardon

my friend's uncouth behavior.

I did no such thing.

Nor did I, sir.

And your rudeness

and obscenities

won't change anything.

Well then,

I guess it doesn't matter

if I call you a crotchface,

you ball-scratching f***er.

Or better yet,

go blow your dad.

My dad?

Hear, hear.

While you're there,

stick a finger

up both their asses

while you're down there.

Finch, rudeness and obscenity

won't change anything.

Here's a thought:

Grow a sack,

fill it with some balls,

magically sprout a dick,

shove it up your ass,

and start f***ing yourself

like, "Yeah, baby!"

You going

with what I'm saying?

(GRUNTING)

This is disgusting.

Why don't you go dust

with your

perverse European cousin?

Is she here?

Unbelievable.

I'd like to book

a tee time for my husband

and a European

pumpkin peel facial

for me, please.

Make that two.

JIM'S DAD:
You'll have

a fun weekend, Ma.

I am missing my soap.

Don't you worry

about your soaps.

Will you push faster?

I'm tired.

And wait till

you meet Michelle.

You're gonna love her.

She's sweet as sugar.

I can't eat sugar.

I know,

because you're diabetic.

You know, Ma,

I know things haven't been

going well for you.

I know that.

But wait till you

see Jim standing up there

at the altar tomorrow.

If ever there was

a time to be happy

and smile the biggest smile,

now is the time.

Okay, okay. I'm overjoyed.

That's a start.

Proud grandmother

coming through.

Grandson's getting

married tomorrow.

You think she's happy now,

wait till tomorrow.

"Congratulations."

"Grooming."

(BUZZING)

You got bigger.

The flowers

stay refrigerated

until morning...

Oh! I'm sure they will.

They're so pretty...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes