American Wedding Page #7

(COUGHING)

(ALL COUGHING)

Oh, Jimmy, no!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hope

you'll be more careful

with the next one.

My kitchen is

not a toilet, okay?

Boy, pubic hair was just not

an issue when I was dating.

The ladies never complained

when they were, you know,

down in that general area...

Okay, if you never

mention that ever again,

that'd be great.

Shouldn't have brought it up.

So, can I see the ring?

Nope. I promised

to keep it safe.

It's not leaving my pocket.

Okay, Frodo.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You really care

about this wedding,

don't you?

I'm gonna cry

at the ceremony.

I know it.

(SIGHS)

Are you just saying

all of this?

I mean, do you

act differently around

certain people?

Namely me?

Of course not. Why?

Do you act differently

around me?

Generally, I'm just me.

If people don't like it,

that's their problem.

Yeah. F*** those f***ers.

What?

I didn't...

No, you're right. F*** 'em.

Hey, Harold and Mary!

Hi, kids.

How's it going?

Come on. Thanks for

watching the dogs.

I love these guys.

Hey, guys, want more

Snausages? Huh?

There you go.

Eat 'em up.

Give me some.

There you go.

I don't think

I have any left.

What's wrong?

Sh*t.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You kissed Stifler?

Yeah. But then he freaked.

It's like he's been

paying more attention

to the dogs than me.

Can I stop worrying then?

Michelle, he's been

nothing but nice to me.

I mean, do you think

he really likes you?

I don't know.

I hope he likes me.

I mean, I think he likes me.

Yeah, I guess

I hope he likes me.

Do it.

Don't f*** around.

Just relax and let it go.

I'm sick of waiting.

Do it for Daddy.

Will you just

take a sh*t already?

Great.

You fed the ring to the dogs,

didn't you?

(SCOFFS)

(SNICKERS)

Of course not!

You have been staring

at those dogs

like a hawk all day.

I'm a dog lover.

By the way,

apparently you missed

when Cadence kissed me.

Slight tongue action, too.

It was something like this.

(WARBLES)

You're a terrible liar,

Stifler.

If I were lying,

I'd think of something better

than a kiss.

Maybe a blow job

or some tittie grabbing.

No p*ssy for you, Finch.

(SIGHS)

F***ing right, doggy!

It's about goddamn time!

Jackpot!

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have some sh*t to attend to.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Thanks, a**holes.

MARY:
Yeah,

maybe you can call him.

WOMAN:
Okay.

Steve, come over here.

Uh...

I'm a little busy.

MARY:
With what?

Come on over.

We need you.

Get over here,

you little rascal.

We were talking about

Michelle's wedding band.

Could I see it?

Um...

No.

No?

I don't have it.

What?

You mean you lost it?

Of course not.

I'm keeping it safe

in my room,

you silly Sally!

Thank goodness.

I apologize.

That's fine.

I'll see it later.

Okay. All right, then.

What do you have

in your hand?

This one?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No, the other one.

It's a chocolate truffle.

Ooo! Yummy.

Where did you get that?

The caterer said

she was saving

the truffles for tomorrow.

You sneaky devil.

Well, hey,

I managed to sneak

one right past her.

Come on,

this woman

loves chocolate.

At least give

her a tiny nibble.

Give it to Momma.

Momma don't want this.

This is the only piece

that I have.

Idiot.

Break it in half.

Come on.

You know what?

Let's just leave

the surprises till tomorrow.

It's gonna be a great day.

I'd like

my surprise right now.

No, it's mine.

Come on!

Give it to me.

No.

Give the darn truffle.

(GASPS)

HAROLD:
Steven,

that is so selfish.

(GAGGING)

It's good.

Is it? Is it sweet?

It's so sweet.

(GAGGING)

Close your mouth

when you chew, Steven.

Don't do that.

At least you could describe

to the lovely woman

how delicious it is.

Well, tastes like twigs

and berries.

Is it Swiss or

French chocolate?

Maybe German.

Really? Is it creamy?

Yeah, it's creamy.

Easy to go down, right?

Well, I'm trying to

savor the flavor right now.

Is it fresh?

It's so fresh.

Nothing better than

when they're fresh.

Nothing better.

The problem is

you can't eat

just one, can you?

No, you can't.

But you've got to

know when to stop,

don't you?

You really do, but it's hard.

It's really hard.

Droppings

from the gods.

Get me another one, darling.

Come on.

You selfish boy.

Next time,

bring enough for everybody.

Let's keep this to ourselves?

Okay?

Okay.

I gotta go, okay.

Don't have any more,

because it's gonna

spoil your appetite.

Okay.

Hey, look, man, I gotta go.

(GROANS)

Grandma, I want you

to meet some people.

Grandma, this is Michelle.

I'm so proud to be

joining your family.

JIM:

She's real pretty, huh?

Isn't it great?

We're getting married.

It's amazing, Gram.

Not Jewish!

No wedding, Jimmy!

No wedding.

Forget it.

Grandma.

A goyeh!

Sh*t.

Jim, she hates me.

(GRUMBLES)

Oh, my God!

Grandma, look,

we love each other.

Michelle and I

love each other very much.

That's all that matters.

Grandma? Grandma?

Michelle? Michelle?

JIM'S DAD:

But Grandma's okay?

JIM:
Oh, she's okay.

Oh, yeah, Dad. She's okay.

She's just a little tired.

My mother hasn't been well.

She's been feeling...

When your dad sees the look

on Grandma's face,

it's gonna break his heart.

Because of me.

It's not because of you.

Michelle, it's not

because of you at all.

It's because

Grandma thinks it's 1801.

Look, don't worry.

I'll come up with something.

I promised you

the wedding of your dreams

and I'm not gonna

let anything ruin it.

Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)

I would like to

propose a toast.

These last few weeks

have really been something

for my lovely wife and me.

We have met some people

we didn't know existed.

We've experienced

some things we didn't

think were possible.

We've always tried to make

the best of every situation.

This is a good situation.

That's what I'm saying.

This is a wonderful situation.

The coming

together of two families

from different backgrounds.

So to our new son-in-law,

may we say ireann go Brugh.

And to our lovely

daughter Michelle,

L'Chaim.

Did I get that right?

Very good.

And let's hope we can

sit many happy

shivas together.

Here's to

a wonderful wedding.

Cheers.

Cheers.

See that, Shitbreak?

I told you I won.

Hey.

Hey.

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry if I freaked you out

with the whole kiss thing.

You didn't freak me out.

I just wanted to

let you know that

you make me feel special.

I think you're

the most special girl

I've ever known.

Maybe you'd

want to make things

extra special tonight.

Which room is yours?

I'm crashing at Kevin's.

Damn.

But I saw

a big, fluffy linen closet

at the end of

the main hallway.

Yes. Big,

fluffy linen closet is good.

Okay.

Midnight?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Oh!

(SINGING) I'm going to

have-a sex-a with-a Cadence

I'm going to have-a

sex-a with-a Cadence

Whoo!

Jesus! You f***ing stalker!

You're not

a very stealthy thief.

Really?

Guess what, Shitbreak?

It's a wedding.

Everything's free.

What do you want?

Stifler, Jim's grandma

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