American Wedding Page #8

doesn't approve

of the wedding.

We're trying to

run interference,

and, reluctantly,

I am asking for your help.

Sorry, Finchmeister,

I got plans with Cadence.

Stifler, maybe you could

forget about your dick

for one second

and actually be useful.

F*** you, Finch.

You didn't eat sh*t, okay?

You didn't prance around

like a ballerina

for the whole week.

Wedding this,

suck my ass that.

I'm special, you're special.

We're all just

a bunch of special f***ers,

aren't we?

You know what?

I'm-a gonna get laid,

Finchfucker.

And it's gonna be oh-so-good.

It's gonna be like,

"You like this sh*t, momma?"

She's gonna be like,

"F***ing right, doggy.

Give it to me!

"Suck on my nipples

like you're milking a cow."

Like... (SUCKING)

(MEWING)

You been here long?

(SUCKING)

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah...

Cadence, it is

my distinct pleasure

to introduce you

to the real Steve Stifler.

Hi.

Pumpkin. (SIGHS)

You are quite

the gentleman, Stifler.

You could've told

me she was behind me.

Between Grandma,

Stifler, and Cadence...

The cake.

I mean, are you kidding me?

You know,

I thought I had grown

out of this sort of behavior.

But I keep messing up.

These things keep

happening to me.

If I can't bring it

together for one day,

how am I gonna

hold it together

for the rest of our lives?

I'm really afraid

this is how it's

always gonna be.

Yeah, but you always

manage to get yourself

into serious sh*t,

and somehow you always

come out of it better

than you went in.

I don't know how,

but you do.

Everything is gonna be fine.

Yeah...

You need to come into

the kitchen right now.

There's... Yeah.

Jesus, now what?

(SIGHS)

There is no way to remake

all these in time, is there?

Something must have

disrupted the power.

The compressors need time

to reset after a power loss

or they overheat.

Essentially, it turns

the refrigerator

into an oven.

Stifler was in here

earlier flipping switches.

Michelle, I am so sorry.

Hey.

Those flowers look hideous.

That's 'cause you

killed them, Stifler.

You've ruined everything.

What are you talking about?

You obviously don't care

about this wedding,

or anyone in it.

Cadence...

Jim?

Shitbreak, come on.

Maybe you should

just leave, Stifler.

Fine. Adis.

STIFLER:
F***ers!

It's not my fault!

I'm not an electrical

Einstein. I'm not...

Damn it.

F***!

Hey, flower f***ers,

you there?

"Zyskowski."

Hello? Are you awake?

Sh*t. Come on.

Come on. Anybody awake?

Oh!

Are you Ms. Zyskowski?

Who are you?

I'm the guy who just

killed all the flowers

for the Levenstein-Band

Geek wedding.

What?

Yeah, I'm that guy.

Now, what I need you to do

is drag your ass down

to your little store,

gather up some flowers,

slice them,

dice them,

jam them all together,

and cart that crap

down to the wedding.

Are you completely insane?

You have no idea.

Even if I

overlooked the fact

that this is the rudest thing

I have ever encountered,

there is no time to

redo all that work.

I had four assistants

working two full days

on that wedding.

I'm sorry. It's impossible.

(STIFLER SCOFFS)

We don't quit

at halftime, ma'am!

You don't score

until you score!

That's the spirit,

sweetheart.

STIFLER:
Come on.

F*** the pain.

You guys keep

working this hard,

we'll be able to

beat the Wildcats.

You remember how tough

they were last year.

Come on. Let's see

some determination.

Determination!

Hold the vase. That's it!

Come on.

Come on, keep working!

Good, Connor. Very good.

Good, DeBoer.

It really sucks.

Go fix it.

Hey, party guy, having

a good time? Can I get

you a gin and tonic?

Hold on a second.

Hello? Okay. It's for you.

It's get to work, f***er.

We are gathered here today

to join these

two great people

in a blessed union

and

blah-da-blah-da-blah

and crap.

Coach? This is kind of gay.

Yeah, it is.

Good work.

Hey, no problem.

So, you got

a date for this thing?

Don't push it.

Sorry.

Holy sh*t.

How the hell did this happen?

It's a miracle.

Stifler.

Save it, d*ckhead.

I'm working.

You're an a**hole.

I know.

You really are an a**hole.

Thanks.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't do apologies

so good.

Well,

you get an "A" for effort.

This is amazing.

(LAUGHS)

Cool. I was always

kind of a "C" student.

So did you do all this

just to have sex with me

or because you really care

about the wedding?

Both.

And...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I really like you.

What?

I like you.

That's an honest answer.

I gotta go.

Steve Stifler

just gave a rose to

a girl, and meant it.

This is huge.

It's like watching monkeys

use tools for the first time.

Are you still pissed

about me and Cadence?

No, let's see,

she wasn't into

the heavy

intellectual stuff.

She actually liked me

being that imbecile.

No. Somehow, I think

she's probably

better off with you.

Thanks, Shitbreak.

Dick. I f***ing

hate not hating you.

I did f*** your mom.

Twice.

That's better, f***er!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh. Whoa!

Ready to go?

Um...

The wedding's not

for another hour.

No, I mean you and me.

(GASPS)

Hold on.

Do I still got to do

this bullshit meeting?

Stifler, you are not

bailing on Jim.

Sh*t! Give me 10 minutes?

I'll meet you at the closet.

At the closet.

You wanted to

see me, Michelle?

Oh! Okay. Sit.

So, Jim said

that you've always kind

of been there for him

when he needed you.

So I thought maybe

you could help me.

Jim said that?

What's the problem?

I still can't

get my vows right.

I haven't been this confused

since I got my first period.

That's a very confusing time

for any young lady.

You know, your body is

going through changes.

Stuff coming out,

stuff going in.

No. I need help with

my vows, not my period.

Oh, your vows.

(CHUCKLING) Your vows.

Yes, good. Go on.

Jim just wants

a groomsmen meeting

before the wedding.

It shouldn't take long.

Just don't let

her talk to anyone.

All right.

Be careful. She's feisty.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming out

here and meeting me.

I just have a couple

of things I want to say.

This sucks.

Did I say that out loud?

Keep going. It's good.

You know, I thought

about what you said, Kev,

about how my problems

always seem to work out.

And I realized that

the reason

things always work out

is because you guys

have always been there

to back me up.

Even you, Stifler.

For the first time

in my life,

I actually feel like

I can't mess anything up.

(SCOFFS)

Which is pretty amazing.

So I guess I just

wanted to say thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks? This whole

thing was about thanks?

(GRUNTS)

You're welcome, cock block.

That was good, Jim.

Real nice.

Let's get you married.

Okay.

Love is very

difficult to describe.

And I understand the angst.

I mean, it's your wedding.

And it's natural.

It's perfectly natural.

But it's impossible

to describe a feeling.

Okay, first,

nothing is impossible.

So let's not focus on that.

Why do you think, Michelle,

they call it making love?

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