American Wedding Page #9

I don't know.

I just call it boning.

"Boning"?

When you're doing

other things with Jim,

when you're not boning,

how does he make you feel?

Horny, like I want to bone.

But we can't be boning

from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Oh, you've never tried it?

I certainly have.

I have. I've boned.

From sunrise,

right through brunch,

on more than one occasion.

But boning aside,

I think they call it

making love because

you have to make love work.

You know, it's about

compromise and sacrifice

and I think Jim has

sacrificed for you.

My God, he shaved his

entire pubic region,

which would

baffle most cultures

around the world,

but he did it.

And he did it for you.

You're right.

Love isn't just a feeling.

It's shaving your balls.

Thanks, Dad.

I wouldn't get

into too much detail

on that, dear.

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Touch me. F*** me.

I'm gonna have

sex with Cadence.

You know, Son,

I think this is probably

the right time to

tell you that...

I know, Dad.

(CLATTERING)

STIFLER:

I can't see anything here.

(CLATTERING)

Oh, there you are.

Guys, what are you doing?

Where's Jim's grandma?

The old b*tch sucked.

We had to ditch her.

You what?

Don't worry.

We put her someplace

no one will find her.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Cadence, where are

you going?

Oh, Mom.

STIFLER:
Oh, baby,

I'm so ready for this.

(UNZIPPING)

Your body's not quite

what I was expecting.

But that's okay.

The Stiffman digs

what's underneath.

(CHUCKLES)

(STIFLER MOANS)

Oh, you are so beautiful.

I just wanted...

(BOTH GASP)

Stifler!

Granny.

Granny what?

Focus! Focus! Focus!

(EXCLAIMS)

It's not what

it looks like!

(GROANS)

Shut the f***ing door!

You got it, champ.

(GROANS)

(YELLS)

(CLATTERING)

(GUESTS EXCLAIM SOFTLY)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

You're a hero.

Hey, p*ssy's p*ssy.

Look at the smile

on my mother's face.

Do you know how

long she's been waiting

for a day like this?

I can't imagine.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you.

Don't.

Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

What made Grandma

come around?

Finch said

Stifler talked to her.

Stifler?

Grandmotherfucker.

You're a motherf***er.

Yes, I am.

You son of a b*tch.

And I promise to love you

for as long as I shall live.

Michelle,

you are the one woman

I want to be with

and the woman

I can't be without.

I love you.

(SNIFFS)

Jim, I had trouble

finding the words to

tell you how I feel

and I realized something.

Love isn't just a feeling.

Love is something you do.

It's a dress,

a visit to band camp,

a special haircut.

Jim, you've given me

everything I've ever wanted,

and it is my solemn vow

to give everything

I am to you.

Thanks.

James Emanuel Levenstein

and Michelle

Annabeth Flaherty,

I hereby pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

MAN:
Let's all welcome

Mr. And Mrs.

Jim and Michelle Levenstein

onto the dance floor.

Just follow my lead.

I'll try.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFTLY) I taught him that.

Jim, you learnt to dance.

(INAUDIBLE)

Well, it seems like

everything worked out.

Magnificently.

I feel a bit sad

that tonight

our little Michelle

is gonna be a woman.

Honey, you don't

honestly believe that

Michelle is still a...

I tell you, Mary,

I can't recall a single moment

with either one of them

that would make

me think otherwise.

Thank you. See?

(EXHALES) Whoa!

Hey, tough guy.

Stifler's mom.

Well, we meet again.

I was curious.

Didn't see you here.

I try to keep a low profile.

I never really did

like these things, anyway.

You know,

this has actually made

quite an impression on me.

I have something to

look for in a woman now.

Well, if this is your idea

of a proposal, Finchy,

you gotta know

that I'm over you now.

And I'm over you.

But as they say,

we will always have Paris.

And the pool table.

And the car.

And the two-room

suite I have upstairs.

Come here.

This turned out better

than I could ever imagine.

How did a little perv

like you turn into such

a great guy?

How did a little

nympho like you

turn into such a great girl?

I'm still a nympho.

I'm still a perv.

I know.

What's wrong with us?

You did it.

You know, Michelle,

to quote someone I've

learned quite a bit from,

I think you and I are

"a perfectly natural,

normal thing."

Perfectly natural.

That's her.

Holy sh*t, dude.

I told you this

wedding would be worth it.

Oh, my goddess. My queen.

My MILF.

MILF.

(BOTH REPEATING)

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

No way, bro.

Hey, you're not

finished yet,

are you, Finchy?

No, ma'am.

Just getting started.

This guy is

the f***ing master.

Oh, no!

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Oh, Stifler's mom.

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALTERNATIVE

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes