Americans in Bed

---

1

JOE:
The first time

I saw her,

I wasn't thinking about

whether she was a good mom

or she was gonna be someone

I would grow old with.

I wanted to nail her.

That's the truth.

Ha ha!

And then I got to that.

That's what it was.

If you were, like, some,

you know, one-toothed freak,

I don't care how good

you are to my kids.

I wouldn't have been--

or how good of a person

you are; I wouldn't have

wanted to be with you.

OK, that's true.

It's definitely true.

I definitely

have the same...

[Both chuckle]

When you're first

with someone and you start--

and you explore each other

and you start--become sexual,

every moment of your day is

when you're gonna f***,

how you're gonna f***,

when you're gonna

find time to f***,

who's gonna f*** when,

what are you gonna do,

how does she do it.

And then, as you progress

in your relationship,

it's like, "All right,

"maybe Sundays, OK,

you know, but we got

so much to do for the week,

let's make Sunday the time

we're gonna do it."

So we went through that

at the beginning of

our relationship.

All we did was try

to figure out where

we're gonna fool around:

my office, our apartment,

wherever.

But I think now we plan,

like, special times,

do you know what I mean,

to be alone and stuff

like that.

It's a little bit

more romantic and, like,

meaningful, I think--

I got to get you drunk now.

Sometimes.

[Both laugh]

Usually night, morning,

and if we do anything,

if we see each other

during the day,

we'll have sex

during the day.

Right.

So, if we spend nonstop

with each other, 2 or 3

times a day.

Time to have sex.

I think one of the ways

in which Blanca and I

connect to each other

is sexually,

and people often look

at us and kind of, like--

They're like, "How do

you guys have sex?"

'cause, you know.

"Hmm.

"'Cause you're 6'6", 240,

and you're 4'10", 82."

Ha ha ha!

"How the hell?"

And the answer is,

surprisingly well.

She's probably the best sex

I've ever had in my life,

and she continues

to be to this day.

Sure.

A large part of it--

she doesn't believe me,

but it's true,

and it's really important

to me partially because

we managed

to make things work

physically so well

and partially

because of the way

I feel for her.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy

with our sex life

in terms of, you know,

the frequency and what

we do together when we

do things together.

Yeah.

I think chemistry

is non-tangible.

You just know it.

Been two years

and I thought I'd

be bored by now,

and not yet.

[Giggles]

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby.

[Growls]

Yow.

Yeah.

We met because Randy took

13,000 photographs of me.

He made a music video

for me.

I was stalking her.

I remember the first time

we got together.

It was really hot.

It was really hot.

Stop it. Shh.

I think sex is the

most important thing

in a relationship,

and I've always felt

that way.

Now, I don't know

if men see it that way,

but I feel pretty sure

that I'm speaking

for, like, just about

every woman in the world

that, like,

when you have sex

with your partner,

you kind of

can't have sex

with your partner

if you're really mad

at them, if you're upset

about something,

if you're stressed out

about something,

if your house

is a pig sty,

whatever it is.

And because I, like,

I would like to have sex

every single day,

I feel like all

those other things

have to be in order

every single day

as well.

I know not

of a situation

in which that initial

physical attraction

is something you could,

like, develop into,

whereas I think

it's a lot easier

to work on things

like "I'm not gonna

hang my underwear

on the door"

or "I'm gonna call you

if I'm running late"

or whatever, like,

all the little nuances

of your life

that are, like, kind of

the boring stuff anyway.

I'd rather work on

the boring stuff than

have to, like, "work"

on the stuff that's,

like, the fun,

exciting stuff.

Hear, hear.

And that was

a good answer, OK?

[Both laugh]

So eat a dick.

Ha ha ha!

I feel like I've met

my soul mate,

the person that

completes me, you know?

I had a hole

in my chest,

and when I met her,

that hole was filled

and I felt like I'm

a whole person now and not

a part of a person,

being with her.

Being with somebody

who just wanted

to be with me

and not anyone else--

that was really

very important to me.

And respect.

And it's what I needed

at the time and still.

Right.

Somebody who loves

when you walk in

the door,

says hello when you

come in and good-bye

when you go out,

and asks you

how your day is

and really cares

how your day was.

Goes to your

softball games.

And goes to

your softball games

and cheers you on.

[Chuckles]

Watches you umpire.

Oh, she's getting

misty now.

Ha ha ha!

I'd been umpiring

for 12 years

at that point

and nobody came

to watch me do it,

and she would.

She would just be happy

to sit there

and watch me do

my thing,

and she is so cute sitting

in her little chair

with her sunflower seeds

and her drink,

just to, like--

and then the moms

would, like, "Oh,

which child is yours?"

BOTH:
"The umpire."

"I'm with the umpire."

Ha ha ha!

"Oh. Nice.

Ha ha ha!

"My Billy is playing

shortstop."

She's like, "Oh.

I'm with the umpire."

Ha ha ha ha!

That was hysterical.

Oversexed.

Oversexed.

He's...

No, he's normal

and she's not.

He could have his sex

anyplace,

even in the bathtub.

[Giggles]

We had plenty of sex.

Well...

You know, he'd come around

and want to have sex.

Did I ever say no

to you?

Never, never.

In all the years

we're married?

Never had a headache.

I never had a headache,

I never had a backache.

I was always available.

It was me having

the headaches.

Yeah, he was--

Ha ha ha ha!

But I never

refused him sex, never.

I had a very good lover

and he taught me

all I know.

If there's more to know,

I'll never know, so...

I had been living

with an older woman

when I was young,

and she taught me

that a woman has

to be satisfied.

And--

What are you scratching?

I'm just--just

rubbing my arm.

Stop scratching.

And, uh...

she was right.

No doubt.

MAN:
Either you sleep

with each other

right away,

you know, or you don't,

and because we didn't,

I was like,

"OK, you know, what?

Is he interested

or, you know, what's

going on here?"

You know, and I think

he would say, "Oh, I'm not,

you know, I'm not ready

to rush into that."

I remember I used

to play on a gay

softball team,

and all my teammates,

you know, when they--

knowing that George was

10 years younger than

me, they would refer

to him as "chicken."

That's a term, you know,

for someone really young.

"Oh, chicken.

You eating chicken

tonight? You having

chicken tonight?"

And "Well, no, we're not

sleeping together."

"What? What are you,

crazy? You're not

having sex at all?"

I'm like, "No, I'm not."

I wouldn't necessarily--

I wouldn't explain myself,

but I just knew that,

you know, in the past

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes