Amira & Sam

---

May I have

your attention, please?

The ferry will be

docking shortly.

For your safety, all passengers

are to remain off stairs,

ramps, and landings

until the ferry has come

to a complete stop

at the terminal.

Remain behind the designated

barriers for docking.

Failure to do so could

result in serious injury.

Thank you for riding

the Staten Island Ferry.

Good evening.

He looks pretty, but he's

actually known as Sasquatch.

Let's go.

He's like a caveman.

Don't do that, god damn it.

Hey, buddy, you missed

the toilet by about 100 feet.

Have fun cleaning it up.

Ben, come on, man.

All right, let's go.

Let go of the door.

I'm gonna need an apology.

Look, dude, he's sorry, OK?

Don't apologize

to this rent-a-cop.

No, listen, it's not a big deal.

If you want to

keep your job, let go.

What the f***?

What the f*** is going on?

- What the f*** was that?

- What happened?

Is it not moving?

- Damn!

- Just do it... stop it!

Hey, have you seen

"Yes Man," Jim Carrey?

So funny, man.

Hey, yo, man.

Jim Carrey. "Yes Man."

He says "yes" all the time.

Jim Carrey.

You know "The Mask"? Green face?

This one same.

Hey, girls! "27 Dresses."

Katherine Heigl.

She's been a bridesmaid

27 times.

It's so good.

So romantic.

No, thank you.

What are you looking at?

Hey, man, you like Jim Carrey?

Yes Man?

Says "yes" all the time.

Can't stop saying "yes."

Oh, excuse me.

Some of these buzzers

don't have names.

Do you know Bassam Jafari?

I'm looking for him.

You a cop?

I'm a friend of Bassam's.

Bassam does not have friends,

and you smell like a cop.

I brought him a doughnut.

That's probably what you're

talking about, smell-wise.

Wow.

- Hello?

- Bassam?

Who's this?

Hey, it's Sam Seneca.

Sammy! Come on up!

No more selling DVD.

You hear me?

- Sammy.

- Bassam.

Are you out of the Army?

Yeah, yeah, I just got out,

and I brought your favorite.

Oh.

I have something else for you...

as promised.

You remembered.

Amira!

You have to meet my niece.

- Amira!

- What?

- Come on out here.

- No!

Amira!

- You speak Arabic?

- Yeah.

I should go.

- No. It's just...

- I should go.

Come, come.

Her brother was

a translator with me in Iraq.

He was caught in the crossfire

during a raid and was killed

by U.S. soldiers.

That's why she left.

F***. I'm sorry.

I should definitely go.

No, no, no.

You will stay and eat with us.

Bassam, I should go.

You will stay at our house.

I don't want things

to be awkward, Bassam.

They won't be awkward,

I promise.

This is really delicious.

Thank you.

We're glad you enjoyed it.

Hey, you want to hear

a funny story?

- Yes.

- No.

So, I left the Army in part to

take care of my

dad who is dying, right?

This doesn't sound funny.

It gets better.

Um... uh, OK.

So, my dad spent the last

few years of his life

refurbishing and

selling antiques.

So, the day that I get in,

he takes me out

antique hunting, right?

And we stop at McDonald's

to get some food.

This kid fucks up

his order, right?

And he bites into his hamburger,

and there's a pickle in it.

He f***ing hates pickles,

so starts screaming at

this kid behind the counter.

So, they go back and they're

remaking his cheeseburger,

and he runs into

one of these guys

that used to buy a lot

of antiques off him,

and they're reminiscing

about these old

axes that my dad used to have.

And my dad says, "Wait right

here. I'll be right back."

Runs out to the car, and this

kid behind the counter looks up,

and sees my dad... is now

barreling towards him

with an giant ax.

And he screams, "Aah!

I'm so sorry about

your cheeseburger."

Don't kill me."

Ha ha ha!

Then he shat himself.

Smelled like it anyway.

It's not funny.

All right, well,

I have another story.

So, there's a penguin

who's driving across country,

and he's going

through the desert,

just a penguin

in his little penguin car.

And it was a really hot day,

and he was driving along,

eating ice cream

from the passenger seat,

just like, "Oh,

it's so hot out here."

And then his car breaks down

in the middle of the desert.

So he calls, you know, AAA.

AAA shows up, to find him still

eating his ice cream in his car.

And he says, "I don't know

what happened."

And the guy from AAA says,

"it looks like you blew a seal."

"Looks like you blew a seal,"

'cause he was

eating vanilla ice cream.

Like, blew a seal.

It's kind of like

a double entendre.

You're talking about...

Could be like

a wheel or something

in the engine,

but really like blew a seal.

Is English your third language?

Well, Meredith,

tonight's the big night,

the season finale of "Keeping

Up with the Kardashians."

What can we expect

from tonight's episode?

Well, you know, Steve,

I gotta tell you.

Everything that this family

seems to do just takes off!

Fashion, style, family.

Everything about her is

just great.

She really does

it all, doesn't she?

She really does.

Thank you for a delicious meal

and shitty television.

It's a high five.

You won't give me a high five?

I give high fives to strangers

walking down the street.

We've had dinner...

I only walked you to the door

because Bassam is asleep

and it would be rude

for me not to.

So, I found out

my 6-year-old daughter

has a crush on a boy,

and so I have to

kill that boy, right?

I mean, I think that's the only

logical thing for me to do.

So, I walk up to the school,

and I'm like, "Where's Larry?"

First of all, his name is Larry.

Let's back it up one step, OK?

Who the f*** calls their

6-year-old Larry, all right?

I was already suspect

to this kid's parents.

So, I walk up there

and I lock eyes with him,

and I look at him,

and I say, "Oh, my God,

he's so f***in' cute!"

He's awesome.

He loves sports.

We're hangin' out.

I turn to my daughter.

I'm like, "Marry Larry!"

"Let's just get this thing

over with, right?"

You guys ready for

some more comedy?

Put your hands together for

Mr. Sam Seneca, everyone. Yeah!

Hello.

Whoo! Yeah!

Hi.

Um, I'm Sam Seneca.

And...

what are all of your names?

I'll get into my stuff here.

Uh... so...

"Jokes and Stuff."

Here we go.

I never used to

believe in aliens,

and then I started watching

reality television.

Now I'm pretty sure that

the Kardashians are here

to destroy the planet Earth.

One person watches that show.

Um...

I was walking past

a Kindergarten.

I wasn't going out of

my way to walk past it.

It was just in my route.

But anyway, I noticed that

these Kindergartners

were large in size

and general mass...

They were, like, 450 pounds,

which begs the question:

What are we feeding our kids?

Other kids?

Oh, f*** it. Sorry.

Now...

I know I had it.

I just...

- Because you called.

- Mm-hmm, I did.

- And we spoke.

- That's true.

And I pulled it.

Where did I put it?

Come on, Janet.

It's meow or never.

What?

- Nothing.

- Oh.

Hey, what's your

favorite Broadway play?

Found it!

That's my file.

I knew you could do it.

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