Amors Baller

---

I never got the point of football.

It's wet and dirty, and you constantly

get kicked in the shin.

But for some reason

football is an awesome chick magnet.

Back home in Stockholm

I had buddies and played in a band.

Then mom decides

we're moving to Norway.

Norwegians? What kind of taste

do they have in music? None!

Are we going to live here?

- Yes, we are.

- What's that pile of dirt?

We're renovating.

Look at the house.

Yeah, look at the house...

Feel that air!

- I'm so sorry.

- It's OK. It didn't hurt.

- Do you live here?

- We just moved here from Sweden.

Cool.

Welcome.

- Yeah.

- Bye!

Hey, you forgot your ball!

CUPID'S BALLS

Faster!

You aren't on vacation here!

Good.

Come on, boys,

fight for possession!

You're too spread out!

Compress!

That's good!

Thomas, you have to hold that line

for more than ten seconds!

We can put in a pool here.

And your band can rehearse

in the basement.

I doubt my band will come

all the way from Stockholm.

You can start a new band.

You need to try to fit in here.

Look how lovely!

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- Would you screw her?

- It's a drawing.

Use your imagination.

If she were real, would you screw her?

Lmagine her, in front of us right now.

Big tits, soaking wet.

Ready to be screwed.

Would you screw her?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Are you gay?

No.

- It's totally fine if you're gay.

- But I'm not.

Just stay away from

"my tunnel of love".

Tunnel of love?

You mean your butt?

- You are gay!

- What? No!

- Stian.

- Lucas.

I'm the assistant coach here.

That's my dad.

Stian!

Water!

What is this?

Norway Cup is right around the corner.

You aren't taking it seriously.

The way you're playing now,

we're miles from anything!

Tomorrow we work on conditioning.

What are you doing?

Jogging.

Dad's giving me a moped

if I get below 100 kilos.

- Do you have a girlfriend?

- No.

Me neither.

- Have you dipped it?

- What do you mean?

Done the nasty.

Sampled the goods.

Has the monster

been in the cookie jar?

You mean

"relations of an intimate nature"?

Yes!

Why do you ask?

Norway Cup last year...

This close.

A Finnish right-back.

Laura!

She was bigger than me.

I felt thin, fit, sexy.

This year, you just wait!

- Team party at Petter's.

- Who? The captain?

He always has one before Norway Cup.

But the assistant coach

can't socialize with the team.

- That wouldn't be professional.

- Or don't you dare go in?

Don't you think I dare?

That was such an awesome play.

Semis last year. Norway Cup.

We lost to Brixton Town.

Hi.

Thank you.

Your workout routine

seems to be working, Stian.

So does yours.

So... everything's about football here?

Yeah.

Come and get it.

- Are you chicken?

- Chicken? I'm letting you win.

- You haven't played much football.

- Sure I have.

Where are you from?

It's called "The Venice of the North".

"The City of Lovers".

- Paris?

- What? No. Stockholm.

- What did you do in Stockholm?

- I was in a band.

- I played drums.

- OK.

If you were on a desert island

and could only bring one person...

- Who would you bring?

- On a desert island?

It would have to be a friend.

A friend who never stopped

surprising me. How about you?

I think I'd bring a Norwegian.

A Norwegian?

Who?

Do you know who Thor Heyendahl is?

Thor Heyerdahl?

Why?

Because he could build a raft

and bring us home.

An ant.

- Wait, don't move. Close your eyes.

- What is it?

Your face is full of grass!

Susanne!

What's going on?

See you later.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Hey, Stian.

- Yeah?

You know you're not welcome here.

Bring your new friend,

and get out of here.

No stress, brothers!

You're such an idiot, Stian.

How do I get into Norway Cup?

- As a football player?

- What else?

a big fan of Swedes.

All right.

See you later.

- Have you played any sports?

- No.

Yes. Basketball.

You have played basketball.

- What? No.

- Yes, you have played basketball.

I'm going to coach you.

See you tomorrow at practice.

Try to wear something more manly.

Dad, this is Lucas.

- Lucas Bergstrm.

- Swedish?

- He wants to join the team.

- Have you played before?

Just some basketball.

Sorry, my team's full.

- I can coach him.

- When did you become a coach?

It's OK if the team is full.

Are you letting him try out?

- I'm coaching him.

- You're an ignorant, fat jerk!

I may be fat, but you're ugly.

And I can go on a diet!

What do you care if I coach him?

We can't bring in new players now.

I decide who gets to play

and who doesn't get to play.

There's plenty of room on the bench.

- Are you serious, Jan?

- Get out on the field.

Hi!

I'm going to that tournament.

You know, Norway Cup?

- You'll be there, right?

- Yeah.

So we'll be going there together?

- Yeah.

- OK.

Will we be riding on the same bus?

No, there's a boy bus and a girl bus.

But I'll see you in the evenings?

Yeah...

You know I have a boyfriend, right?

Yeah, sure.

I know that.

Bye.

Looking forward to it!

Oslo?

Yeah.

- For a week?

- Why not?

- You wanted me to fit in.

- Sure, but football? For a week?

- What?

- You've never played football.

Sure I have.

During recess, in my spare time...

I've never seen you talk about

or play football, -

- and suddenly you're going

to some tournament in Oslo?

Mom, I'm fifteen.

I need to follow my dreams.

Come on!

Faster!

Faster!

Dribble past me.

Past me!

Pick up the pace!

Check out those tits!

- You can't do that.

- I got past you.

Never mix women with football.

Get back in position.

Come on, Zlatan!

Ol!

Cold, wet...

Beautiful!

Attack the ball, Lucas.

The ball!

Come on, Lucas!

Hey, take it easy!

- Get up, chicken.

- Take it easy, Petter!

He's a rookie.

This isn't some Boy Scout trip.

This isn't a sex boat in Ayia Napa!

Come on!

Your weight's too far back.

You just want me to be

as fat as you are.

- You need more weight up front.

- You want me to be fatter than you?

Masseur?

There are 30,000 footballers

at Norway Cup.

I simply offer them a form of therapy.

What did you have in mind?

A Thai massage?

"Stian's Thai".

- With a "happy ending"?

- Sure. With a happy ending.

Do you even know what that means?

Of course...

OK, boys!

- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

- One more time:
Are you ready?

- Yeah!

We play our first game

as soon as we get there.

Just dump your bags

and meet me over by Field 9.

We are playing a team from Bergen.

That's the spirit!

Break a leg!

We have met them before.

They're tight in back.

Tight in back?

Yeah, so we have to slip down

along the side and hammer it in.

- Hammer it in?

- Yeah, behind the defenders.

- Past the goalie.

- Right into their tunnel of love?

We're the Grimsrud Boys

We rule the field

With hearts full of power

And legs made of steel

We feint and dribble

And sing our song

The Grimsrud Boys

Are coming on strong!

Grimsrud rules!

Bet your ass!

Grimsrud rules!

Bet your ass!

Be it raining or sunny

Be it muddy or wet

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes