Amy Schumer: The Leather Special

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1

[announcer] Ladies and gentleman,

and all you other motherfuckers,

get up off your ass

for the baddest b*tch:

Amy Schumer!

-[music playing]

-[cheers and applause]

Yeah!

What the f*** is up, Denver?!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much for coming out.

Oh, my God.

This is such a big deal for me.

I don't know if you guys know this,

but this past year,

I've gotten very rich, famous and humble.

[audience laughing]

Thank you. Thank you.

And maybe you caught this.

I don't know who saw this.

I tweeted out a photo of myself

wearing just underwear.

Nothing but underwear.

[cheering]

Thank you, just the women.

What the f***?

No!

It's too late, sir.

This could have been crumpled

on your floor in the morning, but no.

I like the idea of this being crumpled

on someone's floor.

Having to put this back on

in the morning. Just, like...

[grunting]

And you're like, "Call me." And then--

Imagine doing a walk of shame

in this sh*t.

You're like, "Hi. Taxi."

They're like, "Hmm.

That's an actual trash bag.

It looks like a Glad bag."

I feel like every comedian

needs a leather special.

Right? Every comic has some special

where they wear all leather,

and they regret it later.

It's my f***ing moment! Leather Special!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Already regret it. Already regret it.

Very overheated. Very overheated.

So, I tweet out this photo of myself.

I'm holding coffee. I'm topless

in just underwear, and it goes viral.

It was everywhere, every news show,

every website,

and that's when I learned the word

you don't want people to use

when a nude photo of you goes viral.

"Brave."

Um...

Can you imagine? You take your clothes off

in front of someone for the first time,

and they're just like, "Damn!

You look mad brave right now.

Whoo-ee!

Shorty looks empowered!" Like, no!

As if I'm standing there,

like, "I am brave!"

No, just f*** me.

I am blacking out tonight.

I am blacking out tonight. Anybody?

[cheers and applause]

Who loves you?

[speaks in childish gibberish]

If you're a real winner, then you'll--

Has anyone ever blacked out

and been awake

when they've come out of it?

-[woman] Yes!

-Thank you! Thank you, sister!

It's cool

'cause it's like you're a time traveler.

You're just, like, back in your body,

like...

"What are people wearing now?"

And you just kind of keep moving.

I, one time, in college-- thank you--

I came out of a blackout,

and there was a stranger

going down on me.

So, I was like, "Okay."

I decided to tap him gently.

So as not to startle him, you know?

"Sir!"

So--

'Cause I'm laying there, and I'm like,

"What do I know about this guy

at this point, right?

I know that he has brown hair.

And I know that he is a hero."

He's brave, okay?

He's brave,

and I'm gonna tell you why he's brave,

and this does not leave this theater.

And this does not leave your home.

Here's why he's brave.

On my p*ssy's best day...

It's not every day.

It's almost no day.

But, you know, you wake up,

you're having a good puss day.

And maybe you know

you're gonna have a visitor,

so in the shower,

you get very real in there, you know.

You pull things back you don't usually.

You kind of Minority Report

your own p*ssy.

[grunting]

You get in. It's like Stranger Things.

You just kind of get in.

"Gotta find Barb, guys. She's in there."

If you have access

to a detachable showerhead,

guess what?

I just want you guys to think that

that's how big my p*ssy is.

Just like... hmm.

It's really like... hmm?

After all of that...

on its already best day...

[groans]

my p*ssy smells...

like a small barnyard animal, okay?

Small. Small.

I didn't, like--

not like a big, f***ed-up llama,

like, chewing and spitting

and reeking. No!

Little. Like a goat. You just--

You buy the food pellets, you know,

and you feed it,

and it's like...

And you're like, "Aah! he ate it."

You don't go like, "Eww!"

You go, "I want to get to a sink.

Kind of soon.

Kind of soon would be good." [chuckles]

'Cause it does smell.

That's on its best day.

On its worst day...

after a blackout...

ISIS.

It's f***ed up, guys.

It's bad. And you know what? That's fine.

That is the nature of a p*ssy. Right?

We're so worried and ashamed.

Our moms never sat us down

and said, "Okay, honey,

one day, you're sometimes

gonna have homeless p*ssy.

Lights out." Like, no.

They don't tell you.

And that's just the f***ing nature of it.

And it's like, we're so embarrassed.

I know some girls who won't let

anybody go down on them.

They're just like, "No, I don't know

what's going on down there."

I'm like, "What?"

Like, I will forward your mail. Go.

Head on down.

Head on down to Puss Town. And--

And if that's not your thing, fine,

you know?

If I ever started dating a guy,

and he was like,

"You know what, it's not my thing,"

I'd be like, "That's fine."

And then I would invite him

to go hiking at Red Rocks,

and I would push him

off a f***ing mountain.

Just...

[imitates thud]

[imitates thuds]

Right? And then they come up,

and they go to kiss you, and you go...

"Oh!

No. Mm-mm.

[groaning]

Mm-mm.

I don't want to."

Yeah, right. Me, I'm like... [groans]

I love that sh*t, that's sexy.

That's hot. I'm like, "Mmm. Soup."

I...

Don't even. I see some of the girls,

just a couple, you guys are close.

They're like, "No..."

[muttering]

Yes.

I wish we were raised more like men.

Right? Just, like, here's an example

of how we're different.

We're so worried about our pussies, right?

Have you ever had a guy

come in your mouth and go...

[inhales]

"Does it taste okay?

[whimpering]

I haven't been drinking a lot of water,

and I was a little worried."

[nervous muttering]

No!

That would never happen.

Because, men, you weren't raised

to hate yourselves.

You were raised, and your parents,

they're just like,

"Everything you do is a miracle."

And you're like,

"Yeah, everything I do is a miracle!"

And don't get me wrong, you guys.

We love your come.

Only complaint:
We want more of it.

More, more, more.

We want to do snow angels in it.

Yay!

Yay!

Mmm.

Is there anything bad about come?

I can't think of anything.

Oh, wait, I just thought of something.

If you got even a drop of it

in your mouth,

the rest of the day, you're going...

[grunting and exhaling]

"I'm fine.

[retching]

I'm fine. I'm fine. [retches]

Keep the meeting going."

[grunts]

[gargling]

That is awful.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself...

on the big screens, doing shows.

First of all, I'm like, "Who's that dude?"

Like, I seriously--

I have good self-esteem, I do.

But I'll catch a glimpse of myself

on the screen sometimes,

and I'm like, "I shouldn't be here.

I should be on a mound, going, like..."

You know?

[deep voice] "Good job, ladies.

One more, ladies."

Let me be real,

because I was doing an interview.

It was me and Bill Hader,

and the interviewer

was asking him hard-hitting questions

like,

"What are your favorite German beers?"

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