Amy Schumer: The Leather Special Page #2

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And then

he was asking me softballs like,

"What's it like to f*** you?"

And Bill was upset. He was like,

"You don't have to answer that, Amy."

And I was like,

"He's gonna find out anyway, Bill!

Shut up, Bill."

But I told him, and I will tell you guys

exactly what it's like to f*** me.

Have you ever seen somebody

standing on a box,

painted all silver, in a town square?

And you don't know

if they're alive or not.

But every once in a while, just, "Boop!"

You're like, "Oh, it's a person!"

That's what it's like to f*** me.

That's it.

Like a street performer mime

in a town square.

Except no one's ever given me a dollar.

I don't do sh*t.

I lay there. I either lay on my back,

like that,

or if I want to blow his f***ing mind,

sometimes I lie on my stomach,

just like this.

Comes right away.

Men deserve more credit.

They do, when it comes to sex.

We don't have to do anything.

You guys, men,

you have to work so hard to f*** us.

You have to get hard,

you have to stay hard,

and you have to go like this.

[grunting]

I feel like it would be funny

to do that longer, but it hurts.

I can't believe you guys do that.

That sucks for you.

My boyfriend usually comes in me.

He usually comes in me,

but sometimes you want to mix it up.

You gotta have fun.

We'll be having sex,

and then he'll ask my favorite question:

"Where should I come?"

First of all, I'm like,

"Thank you for thinking of me.

[chuckles] Like...

How did I even come up in your thoughts?"

And...

"Where should I come?"

As a comic,

I want to f*** around and be like,

"In this jar!" I'm just, like...

"Where should I come?"

[belches]

What do you think?

What do you think?

There's three answers, right?

If you're lying on your back,

what are the three places?

-[man] Tits!

-[second man] Face.

-[woman] Butt!

-Yes.

She goes, "Your butt." What?

I'm laying here.

I just went over. I'm not

on the f***ing Broncos or whatever.

I'm not in practice...

[grunting]

"Your butt." You're so cute.

No!

He goes, "Your head."

What are you talking about?

Just... [imitates splat]

"I'm the prettiest girl in Colorado."

"Your head."

-No.

-[woman] Tits!

Yes.

Your tits.

Great answer. Your tits.

And you have to say it

like your psyched about it.

"Where should I come?"

You have to go, "My titties!"

And--

And he goes, "Are you sure?"

And you go...

"Uh-huh! Mm-hmm.

I love it. I love it."

I hate not having come on my tits.

I just--

Walking around all day,

I'm at the bank, "Zero come on my tits.

Ohh."

My titties.

I also love the question

because of the confidence of it, right?

"Where should I come?"

I don't know about you guys.

I've never dated anyone

with American Sniper type accuracy.

Where I could be like, "Right here.

Hit the moving target."

I'm like, "Okay, Katniss... Um..."

Now, most of the time--

tell me if this is true for you guys--

he's like, "All right, are you ready?

Are those titties ready?"

And you're like, "Mm-hmm."

He's like, "Here it comes."

[imitates dribbling sound]

Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just--

A second ago,

you were the most powerful man alive.

Now you're just the last boy

at a carnival

with a melting ice cream cone.

And, God, we don't care.

I've never been, like...

[whining voice]

"Well, you said you'd come on my titties."

We don't. No girl cares.

But then there's that move

where in a moment of desperation,

the guy will be like...

And they try to finger paint.

You're like, "No, no, no!

It didn't happen for you. We're closed."

Sometimes it happens.

For three seconds, that means you go...

"Yay!"

And then you just kind of look

at each other, like...

And if you're with a really sweet guy,

he'll go, "Babe, do you want me

to go get you a..."

[snoring]

You're like, "No, I got it.

You catch some much deserved shut-eye."

And then that's when we make the shelf.

Right, girls? That's what you do.

You don't want it to just f***ing--

You don't want to--

So you block it and you walk it.

Mm-hmm.

It's the saddest shelf in the world.

And I've been to the Anne Frank House.

I'm a German Jew.

There used to be more of us.

So... what happened?

Oh, my God.

It's weird to have a boyfriend.

I've been on the road for so long.

I really like having a boyfriend.

I really love this guy.

I met him on a dating app.

Yeah. We met--

When I signed up, they were like,

"Congratulations.

You have a free lifetime membership."

And I was like,

"Well, that's discouraging."

Like, "What the f***?"

When I met him, he was the first--

He's the only guy I met on there.

I liked him right away.

I really liked him.

I was like,

"I'm gonna make this guy wait."

And I did. Like, all through dinner.

No, we didn't go to dinner. I--

I don't know. I don't have an adult

manning the ship.

There's no one like, "Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Not till date seven." I'm just--

If I want cake,

I'm like, "We're having cake today."

If I'm wet, I'm like,

"Well, let's get a dick in there."

Just... [humming]

But I am a germophobe,

and that's why I told him,

before we did anything sexually,

"Look, just so you know,

I know for a fact

that I don't have any diseases left.

They all burned out."

I was like, "What about you?"

And he was like,

"I've never been tested."

And I was like, "Oh, mysterious.

Is David Blaine in the house?"

We went to Paris.

I'd never been to France

because I'm trash.

And...

we went, and we were excited.

We've been together

under a year, so...

we've been trying to keep it pretty sexy,

but we both got violent food poisoning.

Like, violent. So, yeah.

And we're not the couple that's like,

"I'm gonna go take a deuce, babe."

You know, like...

We're trying to keep it, like--

Under a year. We're still lying.

So--

So, our last night, after all week,

we're like, "Eiffel Tower--"

just the biggest d*ckheads--

we both get violent food poisoning,

and our hotel was one of the rooms

where we had one bathroom,

and it was the kind where, like,

the bed was right there,

then you're in the bathroom,

and if you went...

[soft grunt]

you would loudly hear it.

So, it hits him first.

And he's in there, just...

[retching]

And then,

the way it manifested itself in me...

is--

How do I say this and not be gross?

I was in the bathroom just, like...

[imitating machine gun]

Machine-gun shitting out of my ass.

Just...

[imitating machine gun]

Violent diarrhea.

He... It's over. I'm yelling at him.

[imitating machine gun]

I'm like, "It was so cool dating you.

Good luck.

You're gonna meet the greatest girl.

She's out there for you."

[imitating machine gun]

He's f***ing puking.

He's putting his head where I was.

[imitating machine gun]

And this is puke. And it's--

And then I thought I was just gonna be

the one, the sh*t one,

and he was the puke one,

but I'm in there, and I'm--

And then he hears me go, "F***!"

And I grab the trash can, and I start...

[retching]

All my holes.

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