Amy Schumer: The Leather Special Page #3

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Sh*t's coming out all my holes.

Then I realize there's holes in the bottom

of the trash can I'm puking in.

All over my knees.

So, I walk out of the bathroom,

and I'm like...

I'm like, "Are you gonna propose

on this trip?"

He's like, "No, I am not."

Oh, God.

If you know me, you know

I'm on the NuvaRing for birth control.

That's my thing. It's easy,

I don't have to remember to take a pill.

Not that I ever have trouble doing that.

But the NuvaRing, if you don't know,

is this little latex thing

you put in the back of your puss.

And then you take it out

every three weeks

and just bleed all over the furniture.

Am I using it right? So...

I don't know why they won't sponsor me.

So, we're, like--

You can leave it in during sex.

But I wanted to take it out,

just, like, the thought of it.

So, you got to get in there,

it's in the back.

So, he's right over me.

I'm like, "Hold on a sec."

And so, I stick my finger,

and I try to scoop it

with my middle finger.

And I shoot it up there,

and that's when I accidentally

went knuckle-deep with my ring finger

into my own a**hole.

I shrieked. I went...

[screams]

And he went, "What?"

And I went, "I put my finger in my butt."

And he was like, "Can anybody do that?"

I was like, "No!

I'm not opening up

a conversation about this."

The mystery is over.

We made it through that.

I don't know

why I'm on birth control anymore.

You guys know that there's now

a male birth control pill.

Do you know this?

They're still testing it,

but I want him to go on it immediately.

I just can't imagine that era, though,

of guys, like--

Imagine you go home with a guy

and you're gonna have sex with him,

and you get a condom out of your purse,

and he just goes...

"Oh.

No.

It's cool.

I'm on the pill."

"What?

You're on what?"

His phone alarm goes off.

He's like, "Excuse me."

Pop. No.

[sighs] God.

Yeah, I'm all good.

I'm so happy to be in this relationship.

The only problem is

I'm not the girl who's like,

"Yeah, like, ever since

we've been together,

I've just kind of chilled with drinking."

If anything, it's skyrocketed. Like--

Yeah, I still black out on the reg.

I know it's not cool. It sucks because,

for years, I've been blacking out,

and I'll just be by myself,

and I fart in a pillow,

but now there's a witness.

I got a witness.

It sucks.

So, I blacked out the other night.

You know how I do.

Just a little wine, edibles.

I'm like,

"This is missing something. Xanax."

Very dangerous. Do not recommend. Okay?

But I have a very sophisticated palate.

So...

I black out.

And I just wake up in the morning.

I don't even look at him,

but I can feel that he hates me.

You know that feeling?

It's like, "What's that in the air?"

[inhales]

It's rage and it's all directed at me,

so...

I was like, "I'm gonna play stupid."

I just roll over, and I'm just...

"Mmm! Morning!

[giggling]

So, should we list all the things

that we're grateful for?

I'm grateful for you."

[giggles]

And he just stares at me. He's just...

"Well... okay."

I'm like, "Okay,

what did I get into last night?

Did I just, like, say my prayers

and go to sleep?"

[giggles]

Ding! He's like, "No."

Okay.

"Did I give you a surprise blowj*b?"

I like the idea of, like, "Blowj*b?"

A girl who doesn't know how

to do the blowj*b symbol.

What?

And he's like, "Ame, any blowj*b

would be a huge surprise at this point."

And I don't want you guys to think

I'm not giving. I love going down on him.

I think you've got to go down.

Go down. I love it.

I love him, I love doing it.

But there are guys who you go down

for 90 seconds, and they're, like...

[splat]

And you're like, "Still got it."

And then...

There are guys like my boyfriend,

where if I want to blow him to completion,

it takes between ten and 12 years.

And in my twenties,

I'd roll up my sleeves, crack my--

[imitates bones cracking]

You know, I have a--

All right.

[singing practice notes]

Red leather, yellow leather.

I don't even know that girl anymore.

She is gone.

That girl gone.

I go down for a while, though.

I went down on him very recently,

and he yawned.

[yawns]

I'm like, "If there's a God, he'll put

a dick right in your mouth now."

Gong!

If I'm down there long enough

that you're yawning, guess what?

I'm coming up

[humming]

F*** you.

I'm so fun to date.

So, I'm like, "Okay,

what did I do when I blacked out?"

He goes, "Okay. What you did

was you started pounding Ritz Crackers."

I'm like,

"I'm sure I wasn't pounding them."

He's like, "You looked

like a contestant on a reality show."

Okay.

Then he said I started

on the other sleeve.

And this is an exact quote.

He said that I was "using butter

as if it were guacamole."

Just, "Mmm."

Just slack-jawed, dead-eyed butter-eating.

Then he said that I tried to make

two frozen pizzas at once,

because I wanted to eat them

like a hamburger.

And he said that he was like,

"Ame, what are you doing?"

And I accused him of judging me.

I was like, "You're judging me!"

Chasing him around the apartment.

And then he said I got in bed,

and I stacked all of the pillows,

four pillows on my side,

and I put my head right on top.

And he went,

"Amy, we each get two pillows."

And I went, "Not tonight, motherf***er!"

[snoring]

Isn't she lovely

Hey, thank you.

Oh, God.

Soon, it'll be just us.

Oh, my God.

I really love his whole family.

No bullshit. They're from the Midwest.

Yeah. The happiest people.

The happiest people.

I mean, in L.A.,

I feel like they pretend.

Everyone's like, "I'm doing great,"

and you're like, "Stay away from cliffs."

But in the Midwest,

they're just so psyched.

And his mom is the happiest person

I've ever met.

Her name is Deb,

and Deb is just the happiest person.

She gets everything wrong.

She'll be like, "We took a U-ber here."

I'm like, "What?"

She's like, "I like that boy.

What's his name? Seeth Rogen?"

I'm like,

"That's absolutely no one's name."

Everywhere she walks,

it looks like she was called out

as a contestant on The Price Is Right.

She's just, "Whoo!"

I lucked out, though.

I promise you I love her.

I'm not complaining.

I feel like I really lucked out

because a lot of the guys I've dated,

their moms have had a vibe with them

where they're like,

"Ohh.

I wanted to f*** my son.

[groaning]

No, it's fine. You kids have fun.

I just always thought

we'd wind up together. I don't know."

And as the girl, you have to act

like it's not happening.

Like, a stutter. You have to be, like...

So, I know what you guys are thinking

this part of the night.

You're like,

"Amy, well, you're really well-read."

Um...

And I am. Look.

"Wine."

And I don't think I'm any better now.

You guys, I hope you know.

Like, I know I am trash from Long Island.

I have a lower-back tattoo

that is raised and crooked,

and it doesn't mean anything,

and I have been fingered by a cab driver.

At my request.

Constantly reminded,

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